Thinking

Shannon's post about Father's Day has been stuck in my mind.  Thinking about all of the possible (typically negative) outcomes that could come of my choice to be a SMC, and a double donor SMC to boot, my anxiety has been getting the better of me lately.

If, perchance, I fall into the statistical category where a BFP from my DE IVF turns into a real live baby, I worry about what my child will face in life.  Will s/he be hurt at school during some genealogical unit of study?  Will my child wonder why I am so much older than the other mothers?  Will my child become resentful that s/he cannot celebrate Father's Day?  These scenarios, plus about a billion more, rattle around in my brain constantly.

I attended a conference last week where a speaker gave a presentation about personal wellness.  His presentation was excellent in that it tied together many practical points on how to balance life at work and at home, as well as how to reframe how one thinks about life and what is important enough to worry about and what isn't.  I found the following quote to be very helpful to my current situation:


“For many this life is a vale of tears; for no one is it free of pain. But we are so designed that we can cope with it if we can live within some context of meaning. Given that powerful help, we can draw on the deep springs of the human spirit, to see our suffering in the framework of all human suffering, to accept the gifts of life with thanks and endure life’s indignities with dignity.”
Gardner JW:  Personal renewal.

I am looking to this quote to reframe the way in which I see my (potential) child's life.  The phrase "context of meaning" is making me look at the future in a different way.

It's up to me to build and support a context of meaning of life that is healthy, supportive and positive for my child.  Should I get to that point I feel that I can do that, especially with the support system I have built and continue to build.

On another note, thank you for the very helpful comments about my friend and how I am feeling about her pregnancy and our relationship.  I took the excellent advice and spoke to her about what I am going through.  She was very understanding.  We've made plans to renew our friendship with revised expectations.  Just knowing she "gets it", as much as a someone in her second pregnancy can, is enough for me.  I will try to be a bit more understanding of myself and my feelings as well.

The Post Wherein I Proclaim I Find It Very Hard To Look At Myself In The Mirror

My most closest friend and coworker is pregnant.  Again.

We both started trying around the same time, I was about six months ahead of her and was well versed with temperatures, EWCM, OPKs, Toni Weschler, pre-seed and supplements.  When we compared notes I realized she was doing many things wrong.  She was at the point of making an appointment to be seen by an RE when I shared what I knew.  BAM!  BFP!

It was hard for me, but I buried my feelings and was the most supportive friend I could be.  I listened to the little complaints, went shopping for clothes, looked at nursery stuff, talked about names, was on the shower planning committee (both at work and in real life) and was there the day her son was born. I've been to his naming ceremony, his first birthday and several events in between.

She had an early mc or chemical in January which I found hard too.  How lame is that?  I know that four years ago my friends would have said I was a kind, compassionate and caring person.  I don't think those words fit me now and it makes me sad.

I am trying to be more available for my friend, to listen more, talk more and be normal.  In the meantime I am fully disgusted with myself.  Mind you I am perfectly ok with my feelings when it involves someone I don't particularly like or am close to.  This friend though, this person who has been so wonderfully supportive, kind and caring towards me, I cannot scrounge up enough happiness for her.

I am going to really work on my behavior with the hope that my feelings will change or evolve.   She deserves better.

2013 EDD

According to a nifty IVF due date predictor I found online, if all goes well in September, one year from tomorrow will be my due date.  As I looked at dates on the screen I thought to myself, "Just WHO is this cocky little calculator who easily spits out these dates as if to make them true?".  I know that this date represents a lot of things going right, most of which I have no control over. 

Of those things I do have control over:

• Straws - of the sperm holding kind, not the sipping kind!  I have purchased one straw from a bank in Denmark.  Although I have been purchasing vials from a small local bank, and thought I would want to use it for the DE IVF, the cost of shipping a tank there would be around $3500-$4000 (cue fainting).  So, I found a donor I really like and next week that straw will be on its way to the Czech Republic.
• Meds - arrived!  I am sure my nosy neighbor was dying to know what arrived in a box marked "medicaments". 
• STD panel - scheduled.  The clinic requested one within three months of treatment.  I know it's mandatory but I could not help but snicker at my own lack of STD opportunities lately.  As IF!
• Mock cycle scans - approved!  I belong to a large "HMO"ish type healthcare plan and did not think I would be able to have scans done there since I am not going through this health plan for the DE IVF.  Surprisingly my RE's NP welcomed me back for these treatments.  This is a huge relief as I thought I would be going to (have no idea where I would go) and paying full price. 

I am trying to keep my anxiety at a low roar.  Who am I kidding?  I am a bundle of worry!