Rubber Ducky Is Staying Home

The clinic said that I should be fine to take a dip before the transfer but there is a small chance of infection.  That small chance is not one I am willing to take so I'll just be taking the tour of Szecheny Baths and not taking a dip in any of the pools.  Peace of mind is a great trade off!

Since I am not really comfortable sharing my plans for DE IVF with most of the people in my life I've created two travel itineraries.  I feel like a real jerk when people ask me about my plans and I have to tell them the fake itinerary.  I'm not a great liar and although I feel badly about it, I know it's the best way to handle this situation.

Regardless of the version of my trip I share, I always hear astonishment (and pity?) that I am traveling alone.  I've done many trips all over the world, on my own and with groups of one to 8 people.   I am completely comfortable traveling solo.  I actually enjoy it because I can go and do and see what I want.  I find that I stretch my social skills and become a different version of me (normally I'm a bit shy).   Some of my fondest travel memories are those where I've met new people.  

So, in my typical Planny McPlanner style, I am busily filling in my days before and after the transfer, thrilled with the opportunity to see new things and have new adventures.

Here's the real itinerary:

9/12-9/16:  Budapest
9/17-9/21:  Vienna
9/22-9/25:  Brno, Czech Republic
9/26-10/2:  London

I plan to blog along the way (WiFi willing) so I won't really be all alone, will I?

To Bcp Or Not To Bcp

With a transfer date of 9/22 or so I was supposed to start bcp on this month's CD1.  This would sync me up with the donor and enable me to move on to my mock cycle which starts with CD1 of August.  I've opted out of this month's bcp protocol because my cycles are never late and never vary and because bcps seem to over suppress me.   I hope this was the right call and CD1 starts just as expected.

I've just emailed my coordinator and asked if I can enjoy the baths in Budapest prior to transfer.  I am trying to keep my anxiety level at a minimum while planning the rest of my trip.  I'll be gone a total of 3 weeks with the transfer happening about 7 days before I go home.  It looks like this is really going to happen.  

"You come most carefully upon your hour." (Francisco) ~ Hamlet

Weekend With An Old Friend

Shortly after I got my BFP in 2011 I went to visit a friend who had herself fought a long and hard IF battle.  She was at the end of a twin pregnancy via DE IVF.  She had kept her DE IVF plans secret, even from me, but had opened up about it during my visit.  I remember being hurt about not being in the loop beforehand but it wasn't an issue any longer and I was glad I got to spend time with her and her husband.  The end of my trip coincided with her being admitted for preeclampsia.  Her twins were born a bit early and by the time they were home I had miscarried and for obvious reasons, our lives were full of very different issues.  

After some well-meaning but insensitive comments on her part I pulled away and stayed away.  It was just easier that way.  There wasn't any way I could find to cope with what was going on with me and be involved with what was going on with her.  It just wasn't possible.  I felt the loss of her in my life acutely but as the months passed and I become less shattered I thought that maybe it was better to just let the friendship go.  

In April of this year she called me and left me a happy birthday message.  I was stunned to hear her voice but was also unsure if too much time had passed to repair the friendship.  Communication back and forth reinforced our deep connection and we both felt that our relationship was too important to let go.

Fast forward to this weekend when I was able to spend some time with her and her husband and girls during their road trip.  We kept the conversation light and I just enjoyed spending time with them and doing some touristy things in my area.  Her children are beautiful and all are relaxed and happy.  

I haven't yet shared my DE IVF plans with her and I'm not sure when I will.  It's not that I am hiding it, it's more that I fear a BFN and don't want to drag others through that again.  I also don't want to have anyone feeling sorry for me at future get togethers and events.  Truthfully, I also fear they if they know, I would be really uncomfortable with my ability to carry on "as normal" in our relationship.  

So, for now I am just happy to have her back in my life.  The rest will fall into place eventually and I'm ok with not knowing exactly what that looks like right now.

In the meantime my friend and workmate knows about my plans and is very supportive.  I also have my DE IVF Abroad consultant who is a great source of information and support, along with the NP at my RE office.  She's been amazingly supportive throughout everything.  

It goes without saying of course, that I have my friends out in blogland, whose support and understanding is phenomenally important and amazing!

"You've Got the Perfect Little Life"

This is what my father and stepmother said to me last night over the phone.  They had asked me what I was going to do on Sunday and I said I was going to meet my walking group, then take a class, do my grocery shopping and work in my garden.  Ok, so yeah, maybe it does look like a nice life but the next statement was kinda weird, "....no one to look after but yourself".  

I guess this is how they see dependents.  My dad just turned 70 and my stepmother is 12 years younger.  My stepmother's grandson is staying with them this summer and they also have an adopted daughter who is 15 (she is the half-sister of the grandson but different father.  They adopted her rather than see her go to foster care.).  So yeah, maybe my life, without dependents, appears to be perfect to them.

To me however, it's not the life I want nor ever wanted.  Like many I always thought I would have at least a couple of children.  Now that I've been fighting for quite some time to have one, my life is far from perfect and in fact, is quite little (so that part of their assessment in true).  I do not enjoy all of the joys and challenges of having a family.  It's just me, and to them, that's perfection.

I guess there's also a generational difference.  My stepmother had her first child as a teenager so to her children were, have been and will always be a burden.  At this point my dad is too old and has health issues which prevent him from being a parenting parent.  

My dad and his wife have no idea that I have been ttc-ing and I haven't formulated what I will say when/if that time comes.  I know I will not be sharing the donor egg angle and am not sure what I will say about the "father".  Although have a close relationship, it's rather shallow due to many issues from my childhood (a much, much longer story).  

Also part of this disconnection in our relationship is their view of me as someone in suspended animation.  I have not passed through many of the rites of passage that most adults pass through.  My stepmother has never planned my bridal shower, my dad has never walked me down the aisle and I have never attended any family function as a married daughter with my own family.  Thus, they still view me (and sometimes treat me) like a child.  I guess it's only natural under the circumstances but it can be suffocating and irritating at times.  I can only guess that any announcement I am ever lucky enough to make will shock the hell out of them.

I can only hope they will see this as my life and accept my choices and my path.  I can only hope that should I ever become a parent I will do the same.  That's what parents do, right?