Slow Meltdown

It all began with an email from my consultant:  "You're lining was a bit too thick so the doctor wants you to reschedule your next scan to after your next cycle starts."  I got this on my phone just as I sat down for lunch in a busy restaurant with my pg work friend.  I million things went through my mind and continued to do so after I returned to my desk.  It was such a busy day that all I could do was shoot my RE's office an email and request to have my next scan changed from the 30th to the 4th.

Running through my mind in no particular order:
1.  (I lied.  This was number one for sure).  The damn hyperplasia has come back.
2.  I am going to have to have a hysterectomy.
3.  I know my RE's last day before vacation is the 30th. I am not so sure others in the practice will do the scan since I am doing IVF abroad.  I belong to the health group that proclaims to T.hrive yet oftentimes has a very narrow view of medicine practiced outside their dominion.
4.  I do not have the extra money to pay for a scan out of pocket.  Mind you I haven't priced them but I've seen people charged $1200 at the desk when I've been waiting to be seen.
5.  I failed my mock cycle.
6.  The transfer cannot happen.
7.  I cannot reschedule my vacation.
8.  I'm screwed.

I rushed home and Googled the hell out of "lining too thick mock cycle DE IVF" and came up with everything from "mock cycle canceled" to "Russian RE likes thick lining".

(a weepy hour passes)

After a few emails with my consultant I am feeling much better than I was. She explained that most US doctors prefer a thick lining but that the CZ doctor wants to know if my scan measurements (14mm and 15mm) were indeed accurate.  To determine this I have to finish my estradiol and progesterone, shed some lining and then get a scan before I begin taking taking estrogen.

I hope to hear back about rescheduling the appointment on Monday.

Work isn't helping with all of this.  It's incredibly stressful and I don't feel that I get much support, mostly because others are equally overwhelmed.  Still, I'm working on the largest project of the year and I've had so many things thrown at me (other projects, people out of the office, deadlines I've set for others not met, etc.) that I am really feeling scared/anxious/overwhelmed and angry.

I suppose the meds are not helping.  I've never particularly like 400mg of progesterone a day.  It makes me bloated, exceptionally tired and weepy.

I've also been struggling to the point of sleepless nights on how many embryos to transfer.  I've seen studies that with two, the stronger pulls the weaker one along so both typically make it.  I've seen studies where one and one only, make for a healthy pregnancy.  I've done calculations on daycare, looked at places to move so I could afford daycare and rent, read twin pregnancy stories with no hitches and those with some rough spots and some with some major problems.

What to do?  My mind is exhausted and this week has been one I'd rather forget.

Damn! I started planning this whole thing months ago.  I should have evenly distributed my panic and anxiety over the past several months.  I can't handle it all at once!

The Awkwardness Of Discovering I Drunk Emailed A Psychic

Well...probably more like "tipsy"emailed really.

I was cleaning out my email inbox yesterday, which is very time consuming as I rarely delete my emails, and came across a PayPal payment for a reading to a "conception psychic".  I felt my ears and face grow hot when the memory of drinking a bit too much Kahlua and cream one night right around the New Year came back to me.  It doesn't take much to make me loopy but I think I was extra sensitive to alcohol that night as I was grappling with the realization I would not/could not move forward with my own eggs.

I don't remember how I found the psychic but I notice the charge was only $7 so at the time I probably thought it was a great investment.  Nothing in the reading seems to relate to me, except for maybe the part about being disappointed (who hasn't been?).  I chuckled at her worry about my "partner" and I think her vision of me having PCOS is probably based on the picture I apparently sent (more ear and face burning).  Hey lady, don't you know fertility meds, taken for months on end, lead to a bit of chubbiness?  Humpf.

Anyway, this find in my inbox reminds me of where I was just a few months ago.  Although the Kahlua might have softened the edges that night, I can now almost immediately touch that familiar place of pain and desperation.  I don't think I'll ever lose those feelings but now I can also see how I have moved through it and on to a hopefully more positive place.

At this point it's too painful to take the entire walk down memory lane and proclaim "it was all worth it", but embarrassment aside, I'm feeling ok about about the last few months (mind you not "ok" enough to forgo digging through all emails from that time period to see who else I had sent my hard earned  money to!).

For your entertainment...my reading:

I hope this reading finds you happy and healthy.  I also appreciate your patience. 

When I connect with you, I sense passion and discouragement.  I feel you are very apprehensive on your ttc journey.  I feel at times you feel it will never happen.  I feel with each cycle, you and your partner at times don’t know what to say anymore when it is a BFN.  I also feel partner took miscarriage harder than you thought he would.  He too is apprehensive and worried.  I do see a positive cycle ahead.  I see some good cycles for ttc.  I feel it is part of your destiny to be a mom.  I feel there will be more than one child.  I see 2 in total. 

As far as fertility, I feel you may have PCOS. I sense issues with ovulation.  I feel as though tubes are open and uterus is healthy.   I feel you have tried fertility meds and they do get you to ovulate.   I do feel you need IUI or IVF in order to conceive.  Is there any issue with partner??

I see March as the month to conceive or find out.  I see a boy.  I do feel it will be an IVF cycle.  I feel you will some fatigue prior to testing, and will just “know” you are pregnant.  I do sense some morning sickness at the start, but feel medications from cycle may make you feel “yucky.”  I feel you will have nausea and heartburn throughout pregnancy, and I don’t see a lot of weight gain due to food aversion.  I see a healthy pregnancy.  Keep your feet up when you rest; I see some swelling in ankles.    

I feel you will go full term.  I see a smooth delivery and a vaginal delivery. J

Good Luck!!  

"$7-richer psychic lady"

You Do Know This is Decaffeinated, Right?

"Yes I do, thank you", I said to the clerk through gritted teeth and then turned and slunk out the door of my local S.bux gripping a bag of decaf espresso beans.

The monkey is off my back.  Of course it's now dancing on my brain with its little monkey feet, squeezing my cranium in an iron grip with its little monkey paws.

Someone please tell me to stop this "first world problem" lament.  Seriously.

I'm now caffeine free!

Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!

How convenient that I left off the biggest item on my To Do List.  Ceasing all caffeine intake!  My mind tried to shield me from the horrors of such a task.  Nevertheless, it belongs at the top of the list.

I am a double shot kinda girl.  Specifically an iced skinny single pump vanilla latte kind of girl.  I make my own at home to cut down on expenses and I enjoy it both taste-wise, energy boost-wise and prevention from throttling my coworkers-wise.

I've quit at various point in my ttc attempts and I'll do it again, it's just that I don't look forward to it.  I'm going away on Thursday for a four day camping trip.  Instead of dragging along my campfire espresso pot and accessories I think I will go cold turkey.  Hopefully the lazing about, the clean air and the daily hikes will make the process easier.

Who am I kidding?  Any bears in the area better watch their step because the first couple of days without my fix I am going to turn into a beast in two seconds flat.

To Do List

Yesterday was CD1 as I expected.  I am now glad I did not take the BCP before my mock cycle!

I emailed my consultant and she provided me with the clinic's mock cycle protocol which consists of inactive and active BCPs and then a scan to measure my lining on the 20th at which point the protocol may be adjusted before the next scan on the 30th.  I have to say I have enjoyed not doing the injectables involved in an IUI cycle.  I guess "enjoyed" isn't the right word.  More like appreciated not having to do them.  And relieved.

I have been keeping a mental list of things I need to complete before my trip, with the hope that should I return with a bfp, these things would be done and I could relax and *somewhat* enjoy the next 8 months or so.  The first item was to shampoo all the carpets in my apartment and buy a new sofa.  I was not looking forward to that cost or the work involved.  In a very bizarre turn of events, some of my furniture was damaged by rodents (I know, it sounds gawd-awful but I live in an old duplex apartment owned by people who do not maintain their property) so my landlord agreed to pay to have the entire place shampooed and I found a new sofa & free chair on C.raigslist.  It worked out so well and although that weekend was a logistical challenge, finding someone to haul the old stuff to the dump and then transport the new stuff to my place, it's done and I love the new-to-me furniture and my clean carpets!

Another little project involved my backyard which I have really let go in the last couple of years.  I had quite a junk heap growing by the side of my apt. which included a large tub full of water and from what I could see, baby mosquitoes.  Today I spent most of the afternoon cleaning up the yard, weeding, pruning, sweeping and most satisfying of all, dumping.  It needs more work to be the beautiful garden I once had, but it will do for now.

Also on my to do list...lose the pounds I had piled on during my ttc cycles.  I've never been exactly svelte but I was once down to a weight I felt good at.  I wanted to lose these 18lbs before leaving for my trip.  I'm at -11lb now and doubt I'll lose 7 more before the second week of September but I'm not complaining.  Er, maybe I will just a little.   It's been very difficult to lose that weight!!!!!   I don't know if it's my age or where the weight is on my body but it's been a real struggle.  I've been doing my B.ar M.ethod classes 4-5x a week and walking the others days and using the MyF.itness P.al every day (now at 90 days straight!) but I'll be damned if it hasn't taken precision measuring and constant focus to lose this weight.  I realize (and hope) I may be losing to just gain it, and more, back but I have never worked this hard to see such small progress.

Other items on my list, which will not get done I'm afraid, include replacing my car windshield (giant crack that I could have prevented if I had fixed the small chip), painting my bathroom, cleaning my oven and fridge and organizing my linen closet.  There just hasn't been the time.

I am now in the busiest time of the year at work.  It's going to be constant until 4 days before i leave.  I think this is a good thing for it will keep my mind busy and my anxiety focused on something tangible.  At some points during my day though, or when I am standing at my sink washing dishes, or driving on the freeway, I think about what I am doing, what I've been through and what my future may look like and I feel like a character in a book.  Who IS this person I've become?  I hope by the time all is said and done I look back and feel comfortable with my decisions and proud of my efforts.  Right now though I feel like I'm living someone else's life!