Dollars and $ense of Family Building

I am participating in Lori's Write Mind Open Heart project. I have found the answers to other blogger's situations to be very interesting and enlightening.  Building a family is full of emotional and physical complexities but nothing can snap things into line faster than finances. 

My journey thus far is out for all to see so I'll just move on to answering the questions that apply to me and my situation:

1.  Consider your now or future children as adults, and consider the fact that you had to spend money to either conceive them or make them part of your family. What effect do you think the latter will have on the former one day? What do you think your grown children might feel about the funds it took to create your family?

I do not think this will be an issue when my future child is an adult.  Personally I do not feel the expense is any different from the “extracurricular” expenses parents spend on children already.  Expenses for orthodontics, tutoring, tennis lessons, field trips, etc. are expenses above and beyond the typical “care and custody” expenses parents pay.  How are fees I pay to my RE or sperm bank any different?  I pay them and I pay them gladly because even now, with my future child an unknown, I still have love for the child and will spend the money.  To make this happen I have made "sacrifices" in my life such as stopping cable and newspaper service, driving an old car and curtailing all unnecessary spending.

I would hope my future child would feel fairly neutral about the finances incurred to make them a reality.  It’s a fact about them just like any other fact.

2.  How did/would you handle it if your child asks you, “Mom, how much did I cost?” How would you answer at age 7? At age 18?

I would answer age appropriately of course but honestly.  This fact is simply a part of my future child’s story.

3.  When calculating the costs of your family building, what do you include? The direct costs are easy (such as RE fees for a cycle or homestudy fees), but what about fees that didn’t directly lead to your child’s existence in your life, such as cycles that didn’t work, adoption outreach avenues that didn’t work, failed adoptions, avenues that were explored (and that cost something) but not pursued, etc.?

I add it all in:  the failed cycles, the opk sticks I used in the beginning, the surgery fees, the books, the mileage, everything.  This is more a result of my overly organized way of dealing with my life but also I keep track to submit to my pre taxed spending account.

4.  To what extent have finances determined the family-building decisions you have made? How have you able to balance financial considerations against other factors such as medical, ethical, emotional…?

Finances were a concern of mine in my early thirties.  That is one of the reasons I chose not to do this earlier.  Of course now I could kick myself because while my finances are ok, the clock is ticking. 

I do not have unlimited resources or a contributing partner.  Therefore I am financially limited in what I can do.  I have full insurance for all IUIs and medications but only partial coverage for IVF.  I am willing to spend the money because I think it’s worth it however there is a finite limit to what I can do. 

I have been researching embryo donation and egg donation outside of the US.  While I am not trying to do this “on the cheap” I do have to be aware of my financial limits.

All in all, these limitations do make me frustrated and angry at times. 

5.  Has institutional and governmental support for certain family-building paths impacted your choices? For example, ART being covered by insurance, tax deductions for adoption expenses, etc.

Before I began my current job I had a career in the field of domestic open adoption, which ironically did not cover any type of ART services (this fact will be a dead giveaway to anyone who knows me IRL so if this happens to be true, please respect my personal confidentiality) so I knew I could never swing ttc-ing while working there.  I looked for a job with better IF coverage and landed in a company which has great coverage.  

I still feel that the government has a long way to go in bridging the gap for people/families who are financially caught in the middle between upper class and middle class.  Fertility issues are no less damaging and painful than any other illness or disease traditionally covered fully by insurance.  I hope by the time my future child is an adult this will no longer be an issue.

6.  Have you considered having ART treatments abroad, either due to lower cost or due to certain methods being unavailable or illegal in your own country? In your decision-making, how did you balance the financial savings against issues like the unknowns of the country, perhaps not speaking the language, and medical practices that may differ from those of your home country?

I have looked into this and have a close friend who went abroad and had great success.  I have absolutely no qualms about doing this.  I have traveled abroad extensively and would not have a problem combing ART treatments with a vacation. 

My RE's Nickname

I've noticed that many bloggers have a nickname for their RE.  At my consultation I met with a male doctor.  He was thorough in running blood tests, discussing my chances and recording my health history.

He even opened up and shared some boyhood stories with me.  He is from Germany and I got a kick out of him going to Goo.gle Maps and pulling up a satellite picture of his parents' home...with this mother standing in the garden!  I liked him immediately but as the blood tests rolled in I began to get frustrated with him.  His main form of communication was email and in a few he left me hanging on the edge of my seat.  The last straw was something like, "You may have Thelassemia and I would not recommend getting pregnant with this disease".  Nothing else.  I burned up the web looking for info on Thelassemia and the days until that blood test came in were excruciating (ha...if I only knew how bad waiting for blood tests would eventually get!).  I eventually nicknamed him Dr. Doom.

After that test came back negative I had my first unmedicated IUI (now about 2 months after the initial meeting with Dr. Doom) and I was astounded when the nurse said I had "something" in my uterus.  The subsequent months were spent waiting for surgery, surgery and recovery and then treatment for complex hyperplasia.  All in all, by the time all of this was said and done, a full year had passed since I first saw this doctor.

It may have been irrational but I was angry that Dr. Doom did not even wand me in the initial appointment.  Beyond that I was mad that my OB/Gyn NP didn't find any issues at my last appointment which was two months before my RE consultation.  (It's amazing what perspective knowledge and experience gives you in hindsight!)

Not only had I lost time but I felt like I had been let down.  Why weren't more tests done before I started to ttc?   I eventually realized it was pointless to become caught up in the "what ifs".  If I started down that road I would have to ask myself "What if I..." (insert all the twists and turns that got me to 39 and single. Answering that question would take days).

So, back to my current RE's nickname.  For my lap and hysteroscopy I happened to get the female partner in the practice.  She had the first available surgery slot and I jumped on it.  She agreed to keep me on her panel after my surgery and I am so glad she did.  She is calm, patient, understanding and has a sense of humor.  She also has an ego (I often hear about her training at Stanford) which I do not mind at all.  Her knowledge and expertise normalizes my fears when I come in fresh from a Googling jag.  The bottom line though is that she is positive.  No matter what the news (and she's given me some crappy news in our time together) she explains it fully but in a balanced way that allows me to leave holding on to some scrap of hope, feeling like I have possibilities, that I can achieve my goal. Thus, I have nicknamed her Dr. Conceivable.

I met with Dr. Conceivable today and she feels that I have a good chance of becoming pregnant again and there's no reason to expect I would not progress further in the pregnancy than I did the last time.

The pathology report is not in from the D&C and she said there's a chance that it won't come in at all.  So, even lacking that information there's no reason why I cannot move forward with a more aggressive protocol and try again in May.

I know the fears, the grief and the sorrow that I have pushed to the edges of my mind are itching to creep back into focus but right now, having just turned 41, I do not have time or energy to allow them into the forefront of my mind.  I must stay positive, hopeful and focused.

I want to hold my baby in my arms.  After today's appointment it's entirely conceivable that someday soon I will.

NaBloPoMo Prompt For Today

Gave me a good chuckle:

If you could have a tree in your yard that would sprout anything, what type of tree would you have?

umm...how about a tree that sprouts mature and genetically perfect eggs?  Of course my kindly RE would be doing the harvesting, not the mutton-chopped farmer in the picture!  I girl can dream, can't she?

Simple Sunday

Early morning three mile walk with two friends 

around a spring-tacular lake.

Shopping at Trader Joe's for a week's worth of healthy food.

Making progress on a sewing project I started in January.

Calling my dad and hearing the happiness in his voice.  

Bonus:  my stepmom getting on the phone and hearing the happiness in her voice too.

Visitation from my foster kitty who visits me once a day.

Folding and putting away my last load of laundry.

Fresh steamed artichoke for dinner. 

 

Welcome Back You Beautiful Bitch

CD 1

The Mae West Lips Sofa Designed by Dali 1937

image courtesy of Google images

Like most women I've had a love/hate relationship with my period.  At 13 I remember being so jealous that I was the last of my friends to begin menstruating.  In my teen years I was certain she existed only to bring me pain and embarrassment.  As I grew older there were times in my life I was overjoyed to see her and other times, more recently, when any sign of her has brought me to my knees.  

She has made me feel like a vibrant healthy woman and she has me feel like a monstrous failure.

Her arrival today on April 16th makes it exactly one calendar month since my D&C. Once again I find her to have a wickedly sharp sense of humor. 

In man, the shedding of blood is always associated with injury, disease, or death. Only the female half of humanity was seen to have the magical ability to bleed profusely and still rise phoenix-like each month from the gore.
~ Estelle R. Ramey

So today I welcome her back with sincerity and respect.   Now more than ever I understand the complex and integral coexistence she and I have and move I forward with hope and acceptance.

She may be a bitch, but today she's beautiful and I love her.

Sunburned and Sore

On the last day of my mini vacation I took a long hike with my bff. The scenery was gorgeous- pastureland, meadows, lakeshore and oak trees. It felt great to be outside and exercising. I don't even mind the sunburned spots on the top of my head or my sore leg muscles!

So far being 41 is ok but I am fundamentally a different person than was a few short months ago. This different me is going to take some time to get to know and to get used to. I have a feeling that by the time I turn 42 my life is going to be vastly different as well. I've reached and surpassed my tipping point.

Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are

I've had a lovely couple of days in the mountains, enjoying fresh clean air, beautiful greenery and the occasional deer or two. I had a good birthday, received many warm birthday wishes and devoured a gigantic piece of chocolate cake.

A great trip, right? Then why the hell does the "Guaranteed to Jack Up Your Vacation Menstruation Principle" not apply this one time in my entire life?

***********

Dearest AF,
I have one more day of vacation left. For old time's sake, let's say you pop in and mingle. I would be ever so grateful.
Hugs, SD

41

                          image courtesy of Google 

Read of the Week

The mailman just delivered my order from Amazon.  I love getting packages!

Along with random vacuum cleaner filters, a bag of cheapie hpt tests and a book for my friend's son I bought Laura Day's "Welcome to Your Crisis:  How to Use the Power of Crisis to Create the Life You Want".  

I figured the happenings of the last few weeks have all qualified as true crises.

Right from the beginning the author compares the medical word "crisis" with the other version of the word which is typically associated with a life-changing situation.  In the medical sense a crisis happens when the person's health is at its most precarious.  The person is either going to improve or not.  If this premise is applied to a life-changing situation then a crisis is a point where you're either going to croak or jump up off the hospital bed, flex your Popeye arm muscles and  drop kick your oxygen tank out of the way.

I like the author's theory that one can learn from a crisis and perhaps emerge as a stronger and better person.

Just Three Words

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt is what three words do you hope other people use to describe you?

A couple of years ago I hope people would have used the words funny, strong and friendly to describe me.

Today if I queried people I hope they would use the words thoughtful, empathetic and determined to describe me.

If I were to use three words to describe myself today I would use fragile, anxious and afraid.

I Have Fallen Off the Wagon

...and fallen hard.  We're talking a triple iced vanilla latte hard.  Oh well, I've chalked it up to getting through a tough time and keeping myself going when my body doesn't exactly feel like it. 

I recently purchased Cindy Bailey's, The Fertile Kitchen Cookbook, Simple Recipes for Optimizing Your Fertility and plan to really dig into it in the next week or so.  I need to regain control of my eating and exercising and say good bye once again to espresso.  The starting part is always hard but I know once I get a week into the new regime I will be fine and will feel so much better about myself and the control I have over this part of my life.

I am now off to catch up on my blog reading!

Plan C

Plan A, to meet a man, marry and have a family hasn't panned out. Neither has Plan B, to have a baby on my own. Plan C is what exactly? In my mind I keep coming up with leaving the country and teaching abroad or joining the Peace Corps. *throws back of hand to forehead in dramatic fashion*

I wish life came with an instruction book and an Allen wrench like you get with Ike.a furniture. Sure, the instructions are vague and the process challenging, but without fail if you do it right you end up with a sturdy desk or functional table.

Feeling a bit frustrated and lost. I know it will pass but in the moment...it sucks.

Weekend Plans

I've taken a couple of weeks off work and am staying with a friend in another city while my mother's affairs are put in order. As a distraction, or perhaps just as a function of moving forward as life seems to do no matter what happens to an individual, I plan to do a few fun things this weekend. I plan to see a movie, attend a home and garden show and catch a minor league baseball game. Oh, and sleep. Despite some lovely sleeping aids, sleep has been elusive the past few nights. I hope this weekend brings fun, distraction and good sleep to everyone out there.

Thank You

I want to convey a deep and genuine thank you for all of the kind and thoughtful comments left on my blog. Each comment and warm wish has touched my heart and provided great comfort.

I Knew It Would Happen One Day

My mother passed away unexpectedly on Monday.

I haven't written about this until today because my thoughts were not connecting in any clear way to words which would articulate the feelings I have, the relationship I had with my mother or the impact her passing has on my life.

My mother had a significant mental illness most of her life.  This illness prevented her from being a whole person, a healthy partner in marriage and a capable parent.  Through two marriages, two sets of children, many jobs, moves, physical illnesses and stages of her life, she was always suffering, unable to find relief from her torment, unable to accept love and to find peace.

After many years of estrangement, I came back into my mother's life last summer.  Ironically, now burdened with dementia and early Alzheimer's, she had finally found some relief from her mental torment. 

Through therapy, education and distance I had long since forgiven her for things which she had no control over but which greatly impacted my childhood, my own mental health and later my adult life.  Our relationship, one which had roots in maternal love but gradually withered under the onslaught of mental illness, and my subsequent need to break free for my own survival, has always been a part of me.  It has crept into the crevices of every relationship I've ever had, fueled many of my life's choices and defined some of the sharpest corners of my self.  

  

Although I knew it would happen one day, this watershed event in every person's life- the death of one's mother- I never knew exactly how I would feel.  Driving back home today after taking care of some of the arrangements it finally hit me.  All the appropriate feelings are there picking at my heart and making my soul ache but I finally realized today that they are old feelings.  I had grieved the loss of my mother many many years ago.  What's now left is immense sadness for her life and the waste of a relationship that was never viable.  

Strangely though, much like the feeling of a very sore muscle, behind the sadness there is relief.  I feel relief that her physical  and emotional suffering is now over.  I feel relief she is no longer confined to a bed in the only care home her state funds could afford.  I feel relief she is no longer afraid, no longer so very sad and no longer feels so alone.

I believe that those who had always loved her but have since passed were there to greet her and to gently take her hand, kiss her cheek and welcome her, finally to a peace which she never knew her whole life.  

That thought bring peace to my heart.  As my mother I think she would find peace in that too.

What I'm Waiting For At This Very Moment

The Journey

At the beginning of this journey/battle/quest I felt normal.  I remember thinking to myself that the initial call to the sperm bank would be the hardest part (blush). 

Puhleeze self, get real!!!

I’ve read many blogs whose authors have had similar feelings of innocence and naiveté.  I lost those feelings long ago.  This change has not just been brought about by my own experience but by being a “part” of so many others whose experiences have been similar and much more difficult and traumatic.

This journey has exposed to me fear, pain, desperation, embarrassment, indignity and the double edged sword which is hope.  It has changed my personal relationships, impacted my financial and emotional stability, altered how I perform at work, required me to reexamine my spirituality and question the purpose of my life.

I now have a new normal. 

Eventually this issue will be resolved, either through a baby (by whatever means) or the realization that I will live child free.  Still, I can’t help but miss that old girl, the person who I was before. 

Today’s NaBloPoMo prompt is “How do you usually feel at the beginning of a journey?”  I thought about that for awhile and knew that for me, at the beginning of any journey I hope to experience new things, but above and beyond that, I want to change, to be different because of the experience.

And that I am.

Dear Family Members

To the family members who said, "You brought this on yourself", "It's only your first pregnancy", "You're taking this too hard" and "Miscarriage happens all the time" when I told them about my loss...go fuck yourselves.

I cut these family members out of my life about a year ago because I knew they were toxic and I was unable to keep up with things going on in my life and also be involved in their chaotic lives.  I had only recently reconnected with them (before I became pregnant).

I had already worked through my feelings about removing myself from the family dynamics and making a life with minimal contact or none at all.  The recent developments were shocking but but also provided closure and confirmation.  In one way it's refreshing to hear how they really feel, as opposed to feeling uncomfortable because I had been picking up on strange vibes for several months before I originally stopped contact.  I now know I was picking up real vibes and I now know where they stand.

What's ironic is that the direct quotes above came from my cousin, herself a single mom, pregnant by her best friend's brother (not telling the father or BFF about the baby) who does not work, lives at home with her parents and obviously has a control issue, besides being the family tyrant.

I debated about posting this for fear that someone who knows me IRL might see it although I've only told a couple of my friends about this weird family issue.  I think getting the ugly facts of the situation out of my head is very important.

P.S. dear family members...seriously, go fuck yourselves.

I Am a Stalker

No, not a creepy stalker!  I am a real estate stalker.  Although I currently rent and am not looking to purchase a home or condo any time soon, it does not stop me from spending hours trolling the two most popular real estate sites on the web.  I've looked all over the United States, in small towns and large, college towns and metropolitan cities.   I find it thrilling to look at the different floor plans, to see how a kitchen is configured and how the backyard is landscaped.   I especially love the listings where the pictures show a home that's being lived in.  It's fascinating to see how people decorate their spaces.

Deep down, I think I am restless.  I live on the west coast in one of the most expensive housing markets in the US.  I will never be able to afford to buy here.  Not ever.  I would love to own my own home but wonder if I'll find the vibrant diversity and culture that I now have here somewhere else.  I also wonder if my choice to be a single mother will be as accepted elsewhere.

I long for a place not crisscrossed by freeways which are packed on Friday night and Sunday night,  a result of the "Weekend Warrior" syndrome.  I want to feel safe, to have a sense of community, to experience the outdoors which does not include man-made ponds and overly manicured greenbelts and I want to stop paying half of my salary for rent.

In five year's time I could see myself leaving this state and relocating.  But where?  Is life happy and liveable outside of the Golden State? Do we really have a corner on culture, food, jobs and diversity?

I'd be interested in hearing about other places around the US (in general terms of course!).  Do you like where you live?  Why or why not?

What I'm Ready To Let Go Of

I'm ready to let go of my current hairstyle.  I've had it for such a long time.  Due to its general frizzy unruliness, I'm not sure there's much that can be done about it but I'm headed to see my hair stylist this afternoon to see what magic can be worked.  I'm ready for a new look!