The Eagle(s) Have Landed

All 65 million of them! 

This morning's iui went very smoothly with no hiccups.  As always, I worry that I O'd too soon but there's nothing I can do about that now.  Dr. C said she was very pleased with how my body reacted to Lupro.n so hopefully at least one of the five to six eggs will be both mature and healthy.  Is that too much to (effing) ask?

This time around I lounged about afterwards on the lovely yet uncomfortable table and watched a little of "The Wire" on my iPad and thought good thoughts.  I really appreciate all of the kind thoughts and words that have been coming my way.  I have attributed the calmness I feel this cycle to this support.  With all of my previous cycles I was on my own.  A couple of friends knew what I was doing but no one really knew what I was going through. It truly does make all the difference.

Er, or Not

I am much relieved the world didn't end at 6pm today.  As I lay there enjoying the gentle attentions of LaWanda (that came out weird but you know what I mean), I told Dr. Conceivable I would be really pissed off if the world ended just as things were looking so good for this cycle.

Today's scan showed:

Lining:  11.6

Right:  19.3, 15.8, 11.1, 12.4

Left:  12.4, 12.9, 11.8

So, Tuesday is iui day, which as any IF struggling gal would agree, the world ending 3 days before would really screw up the plans!

A short chat with Dr. C about the potential ending of life as we know it brought up the subject of disaster preparedness.  It sounds like the doctor has her disaster plans (and kits) fully organized and in place, ready to go in case of any emergency or natural disaster.   I wish I could say the same for me! 

I did at one time have a huge disaster preparedness supply in my shed in the backyard.  Slowly, through the years, I raided it and barely anything remains.  I have a rudimentary one in my car but it's nothing really that would keep me for more than two days (and that includes me digging under the seats for old french fries to keep me going).  

As I live smack dab in earthquake country (with The Big One predicted to hit within the next 30 years or so) I realize I am being imprudent and naive.  

What kind of person am I (mother will I be?).  I have no water jugs stashed, no cash tucked into a safe place, no case of Cliff bars or bags of freeze dried food, no extra shoes, antiseptic, toilet paper, dental floss, band aids, matches, radio, batteries or even a flashlight stored anywhere on my premises.  

I'm screwed.

What about you?  How prepared are you?

PS.  Here's a few sites which give comprehensive lists for building your own disaster kit.  It will either make you feel very assured or send you straight into a panic (me).

Ready America - Prepare. Plan. Stay Informed

FEMA - Are You Ready?

American Red Cross

  

Lupronicity

This is only the second time I've used Lupron and I had forgotten how it S L O W S things down.  I am used to stimming a max of 4 days before an IUI.  Not so with Lupron!  No ma'am, we're on a slow and steady path here.

Today's scan by Dr. C showed my lining is at 8.9 and I have five eggs on deck:

Left- 10.3, 11.9, 13.5

Right - 9.6, 10.2, 11.1

I came home happy with my internal workings and satisfied with the conversation I had with Dr. C about my situation.

I proceeded to run some errands, eat lunch, do some real work (thank goodness for telecommuting) and some housework.  If there was a cartoon bubble over my head it would have read, "tra lalalala lala".  Then I snapped to and realized DUH, I need some DNA to make this thing work!  Sperm decisions.  Ugh.  Back to the drawing board.

For the next three hours I analyzed the sperm bank's website like a bookie consulting the weekend racing forms.  I made Venn Diagrams with new donors and my ghosts of donors past.  I plotted eye color and height, constructed loose genetic equations based on given family health information, I called and got vial counts, baby counts, motility and volume counts.  I did it all.  Then collapsed in a puddle, picked up the three pieces of paper with my top three contenders and threw them up in the air.  The one that landed in my lap is the one I chose.  Once I saw it I was happy.  It was the one whose personality I was most drawn to and makes it official...I've never used the same donor twice!

Not scientific by any stretch of the word, but I can tell you I've put less work into picking some of the men I've dated in the past.  I am satisfied, exhausted but satisfied.

Now all I have to do is pick up Frank the Tank and I'm on way come Monday or Tuesday!

btw, the use of the above photo in combination with the title of this post severely ages me.  I realized this when looking up the photo.  Where has the time gone??

Stimming Right Along

Photo by Erin Fagart

I began my protocol last night with no problems.  The Lupron (5 units) doesn't impact me but as I've experienced before, moments after the injections my lower abdomen began to tingle and bloat.  As I lay in bed, wondering what I might fit into for work the next morning,  I imagined the medications herding my (good) eggs, poking them gently with with long sticks, urging them to get in line and shape up for their trip to market.

This time around I am making some subtle adjustments to improve the quality of the herd:

Physical

• Thanks to new mama Shannon for suggesting Coenzyme Q10 which has has been suggested to improve egg quality.  I've been taking a total of 400mg each day.
• I have started walking 3 miles a day.  I am very grateful to the re-emergence of an old friend who is training for the Nike Women's Marathon in October.  My fast walking lines up with her slow running so our partnership is working out well!

Emotional

• I am listening to the Circle+Bloom IVF/IUI series each night.  I've never been one for meditating but so far I like what I hear and it helps me fall asleep (not entirely sure that's the purpose!).
• I rejoined Weight.Watchers online.  My eating habits have become deplorable and it shows.  I joined with a workmate and we've committed to 3 months.  I need to regain control and become more aware of what I am eating and why.  WW and I are longtime frenemies so I expect we'll be uncomfortable with each other for a few days but then things will settle down.

Psychological

• I opened my calendar again.  I am a paper-calendar type of person and haven't been able to open my pocket 2011 calendar since my first/last OB appointment in March.  I've vigorously clipped all the previous months' pages together and am only looking forward now.  Thank goodness for whiteout for all the milestones that were not to be.
• With a shaking hand and a sweaty mouse I purchased a ticket for George Michael's Symphonic Tour.   On October 29th I'll be at the Royal Albert Hall in London, Dress Circle P, front row and I'll be happy estatic.  I have to have something to look forward to, something to pull me through all the days before me.  The ticket was expensive and the trip will be as well but all in all, it's a hell of a lot cheaper (and more enjoyable) than therapy and I figure I need some happiness this year.  Who knows, maybe by then I'll be two attending for the price of one?  

My Ticket is Punched

As I checked into my RE's office this morning I felt like I was buying a ticket on a carnival ride.  I was excited but a part of me felt a little queasy.

A day 2 ultrasound is never a pleasant experience but I was able to laugh about the awkwardness of it all.  I told told the NP, "dignity be damned, bring on LaWanda!".   Aside from my ever present 30mm paratubal cyst on the left side all looks good and I am cleared to begin again.  My protocol this cycle so far is 1 Lupron, 3 Bravelle and 2 Menopur beginning on day 4 (Monday) and another scan on Thursday with an IUI on Friday or Saturday.  I am starting day 4 as opposed to day 3 because I am prone to hyperplasia and I need to "bleed a bit more", which in any other situation would have sent me running down the hall like this.  Seriously, two years ago I would have just about tossed my cookies at most of this stuff.  But now?  Meh, it's all included in the price of admission.

This is the exact same protocol from the last cycle which produced five eggs and gave me a BFP.  I am ok with doing the same thing again for the first time back and I am certainly not a big fan of OHSS which the poor Infertile Gynecologist is beginning to experience.  Dr. Conceivable doesn't work on Saturday but I'll see her Thursday and perhaps she will change things up as she alluded to in our last chat.

I came home fully intending to be an energetic and productive person.

What did I do instead?  Um, well, fell asleep on my love seat.  I never do this because my love seat is only 5'.  I am 5'10" and can never fully recline on it, I more like drape myself over one of the arms.  Anyway, I fell fast asleep and awoke 3 hours later to find I had bled all over the place, through two protective covers and down to the cushion.  I was so out of it I never woke up!  Ugh.  I felt like back when I was a young teenager, not quite used to this monthly hygiene issue.  Oh, and I should mention that upon waking and cleaning up I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror.  Talk about a carnival show!!  I looked like a wild woman (thankfully minus the snakes and bare bosom) with my hair practically on end and my clothes all askew.

I guess this beginning again took more out of me than I realized.  The waiting time after my loss has been extremely stressful and I think I am now feeling the results of that as well as the usual anxiety that comes along with any ART cycle.

I plan to begin blogging more regularly.  I've been in one of Dante's lesser known circles of hell, one that many fertility-challenged 41 year old (single) women can relate to.  When stressed, my natural inclination is to self isolate.  This behavior just adds more stress and anxiety.  And so on and so on.

I've been missing the support of my blogging friends. I realize I need it.  Besides, have you ever had fun at the carnival all by your lonesome?

CD1

Right on time at 28 days two months after D&E. At least that part of me works. Scan tomorrow and the roller coaster begins again...

Mother's Day Secret

and many other thought provoking postcards on today's Post Secret.

Interesting Thoughts About the Journey

...and those you meet along the way...

Check out The Infertility Therapist's latest post "Unexpected help, unlikely alliances, and other surprises along the journey of infertility".

Have you received unexpected help or made unlikely alliances along the way?

Genetics Counselor Weighs In

I love how important phone calls never come when you expect.  I was on a busy street this morning waiting for someone and of course the call I have been waiting for popped up on my cell.  To maintain my privacy I ducked into an alcove and hoped my colleagues would just assume I was late.

I jotted down some of the words the genetics counselor used:

• Random
• Sporadic
• Fluke
• Not a carrier

She interviewed me for background/ethnic/health information and then told me she saw no reason why I should not try again.  I just happened to fall into the 0.06% pit of women who have that aneuploidy as well as the overall 0.7% of women my age who have chromosomal issues with my eggs.  Damn probability. Funny how this never works for me when I play the lotto.

The counselor gave me her number and told me to call her when I get another positive.  She said she'd walk me through any testing I wanted to do and provide me with information so I could make educated decisions.

So understanding was she that she talked a bit about the recent loss of my mother, the stress of being single and doing fertility treatments and the anxiety I am having about trying again. She ended with giving me a great deal of encouragement and said that I was "in good company" because many women my age have healthy babies.  She told me to have confidence and to have hope.

I have enough hope to sink a ship, it's the confidence I am worried about although after talking to her I feel like I now have my second wind.

IBMD

  United in grief, we find love and strength.

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On the first Sunday in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition.

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