I've noticed that many bloggers have a nickname for their RE. At my consultation I met with a male doctor. He was thorough in running blood tests, discussing my chances and recording my health history.
He even opened up and shared some boyhood stories with me. He is from Germany and I got a kick out of him going to Goo.gle Maps and pulling up a satellite picture of his parents' home...with this mother standing in the garden! I liked him immediately but as the blood tests rolled in I began to get frustrated with him. His main form of communication was email and in a few he left me hanging on the edge of my seat. The last straw was something like, "You may have Thelassemia and I would not recommend getting pregnant with this disease". Nothing else. I burned up the web looking for info on Thelassemia and the days until that blood test came in were excruciating (ha...if I only knew how bad waiting for blood tests would eventually get!). I eventually nicknamed him Dr. Doom.
After that test came back negative I had my first unmedicated IUI (now about 2 months after the initial meeting with Dr. Doom) and I was astounded when the nurse said I had "something" in my uterus. The subsequent months were spent waiting for surgery, surgery and recovery and then treatment for complex hyperplasia. All in all, by the time all of this was said and done, a full year had passed since I first saw this doctor.
It may have been irrational but I was angry that Dr. Doom did not even wand me in the initial appointment. Beyond that I was mad that my OB/Gyn NP didn't find any issues at my last appointment which was two months before my RE consultation. (It's amazing what perspective knowledge and experience gives you in hindsight!)
Not only had I lost time but I felt like I had been let down. Why weren't more tests done before I started to ttc? I eventually realized it was pointless to become caught up in the "what ifs". If I started down that road I would have to ask myself "What if I..." (insert all the twists and turns that got me to 39 and single. Answering that question would take days).
So, back to my current RE's nickname. For my lap and hysteroscopy I happened to get the female partner in the practice. She had the first available surgery slot and I jumped on it. She agreed to keep me on her panel after my surgery and I am so glad she did. She is calm, patient, understanding and has a sense of humor. She also has an ego (I often hear about her training at Stanford) which I do not mind at all. Her knowledge and expertise normalizes my fears when I come in fresh from a Googling jag. The bottom line though is that she is positive. No matter what the news (and she's given me some crappy news in our time together) she explains it fully but in a balanced way that allows me to leave holding on to some scrap of hope, feeling like I have possibilities, that I can achieve my goal. Thus, I have nicknamed her Dr. Conceivable.
I met with Dr. Conceivable today and she feels that I have a good chance of becoming pregnant again and there's no reason to expect I would not progress further in the pregnancy than I did the last time.
The pathology report is not in from the D&C and she said there's a chance that it won't come in at all. So, even lacking that information there's no reason why I cannot move forward with a more aggressive protocol and try again in May.
I know the fears, the grief and the sorrow that I have pushed to the edges of my mind are itching to creep back into focus but right now, having just turned 41, I do not have time or energy to allow them into the forefront of my mind. I must stay positive, hopeful and focused.
I want to hold my baby in my arms. After today's appointment it's entirely conceivable that someday soon I will.