I put my $20 paper shredder to work today. I nearly burned the motor up getting rid of all the paperwork from the last 18 months of my ttc life. I needed to get it all out of my spare room and even more importantly, out of my mind. So, as I sat there watching the pages and pages of (literally) blood, sweat, tears and money exit the shredder in tiny little confetti shaped bits, I felt both sadness and finality.
Now what? Despite it being only 4 short days since my D&E, I am thinking about the next steps. I think I'm pretty well set on trying again. Even if the chromosomal analysis comes back with major findings, I would have to believe that not all my eggs are so impacted by my elderliness (is that even a word?).
I don't know if this next revelation is weird or not, but throughout six IUI's I never used the same donor twice. BFN? Well, as Donald Trump would say, "You're fired!". I never gave the guy a second chance. I quickly dumped him for another.
I was all starry-eyed at first: tall, dark, smart, somewhat sarcastic, outgoing, athletic and "open ID"? Sign me up! As I went along I became more educated on what I wanted in a donor and as my BFN's stacked up my requirements changed: successful pregnancies. Period.
I guess one could call it settling but in reality, I thought it was just being practical.
I never wanted to buy a mass of vials, never wanted to see the baby pictures, get attached, ask the staff questions or otherwise develop a bond with my donor. Wham bam, thank you sir is all I wanted.
So, now what? Do I return to the donor that gave me my BFP? Do I revisit ghost of IUI's past or venture out with a stranger?
I feel somewhat like a SMC floozy, never sticking with one man, popping around the sperm donor site, looking only for men who will get the job done.
What would Freud say about all of this?
I think that's an entirely different post!