Fact

My first DE IVF was a failure.

The official beta test day is tomorrow but it was clear to me that the trigger was turning into a negative and would remain a negative.  By 10dp5dt the trigger was totally gone and I knew it was over.  I arrived home Wednesday and asked my home RE for a beta test Thursday and she emailed me the results yesterday morning.  Gah.

I've had a couple of really rough moments but I haven't fully broken down or allowed myself to slip into the darkness that found me after my m/c and mother died.  I just cannot let that happen again.

I can't put off trying again for months on end.  The planning for this ivf took over 7 months.  Screw work, screw finances, screw personal commitments.  I'm planning for an fet in December.  My home RE will do the monitoring and I hope to be able to make an appointment for the transfer the third week of December.

My ivf consultant has asked if I want a post-cycle report from the CZ doctor with his suggestions for moving forward.  Absolutely!  I'm sure included will be my lining issues and a possible hormonal impact of that last minute D&C.  What do I know though?  Maybe even things that appear perfectly "perfect" do not work out.  I think I'd rather buy into that than feeling that my body failed again and/or that I did something wrong.

So, until I get my plans sorted out I'm on austerity measures to afford the trip back.  I suppose there are worse things than a Christmastime visit through Vienna again.

My return to life stateside, work especially, has been a little like death by a million cuts:

• cancelled flight home (without notice) which resulted in airport crying and many hours delay in getting home.
• emails to my personal email account from work two days before I was due back.
• a team meeting 4 hours after being in the office to detail my "top priorities" and a look at 2013's projects.
• people asking how many emails I had (you know, because the more emails you have that pile up in your absence, the greater your importance).
• my very pregnant coworker/friend bringing her 2 year old in to visit and playing in my cube (in all fairness, as she is the only one who knows what's going on, she asked me if it was ok first.  What could I say?  It just brought back the memories of when we were ttc-ing together and how now she has a 2 year old and one on the way).
• another coworker who left for another department coming to visit me yesterday and tell me all about her new baby and how I "HAVE to see the new show Call the Midwife".
• coming back to the same old shit and remembering how I felt all those months planning this and thinking I would come back pregnant.  

Obviously work figures prominently in my life and I think I've posted before about how this job is unfulfilling, brings me much stress and is soul sucking.  It's all that but it's also the instrument by which I've been able to do all that I have ttc-wise and that is what I must remember.  

I'm going to catch up on sleep today, unpack and try to let go of the rest of the sadness and anger that is bubbling below the surface. I'd rather hope be my driving force.  I have so little reserves left that I must purposely choose what keeps me going every day.  

Thank you all for being so supportive and helpful during this process.  Thousands of miles away I never felt alone.