That was the date of my last post. I haven't been able to come back to my blog since then. I've considered deleting it altogether but my stubborn streak that always likes to finish things has prevented that from happening. I have to finish this at The End and not the next to the last chapter.
Due to holiday clinic closures in both countries I did not have the fet in December as I had hoped. It wouldn't have worked anyway as lining problems plague me still. Too thick. I've done two rounds of a drug called Ay.gestin but it had no impact. I'm now on a very low progesterone bcp but if history teaches me anything, my next scan will show little improvement. Too much progesterone, too little progesterone. Both logical approaches to thinning the lining out. Unless it's mine and knows no other growth pattern than DefCom 4.
My emotional state has been dark. I am approaching 43, have been at this since 2009 and am approaching the point where my shattered bits blow away. I never ever thought I would not be a mother. The concept I have of my self, the core of my being and my reason for being a part of humanity has always had motherhood as a central component. I cannot fathom moving forward with what is quite plainly, a totally new identity.
I watched a PBS show a month or so ago that explored the meaning of human happiness. One of the scientists found that once the expectation or hope for something has been removed, the human brain "accepts" this new altered reality and the brain can search for and latch on to another concept that allows for happiness. Watching this show ironically brought me the exact opposite of happiness but the science and facts presented made logical sense.
I wish I could turn off my brain and disconnect my heart. I'd gladly live out the rest of my life working and contributing to society. I'd be a good citizen, I'd pay my taxes and I'd recycle and compost. To live out the rest of my life never having what most have, what some take for granted or don't appreciate, to be the embarrassment of the family, the one to be pitied and to know that I tried so very hard yet failed time and time again? I just don't think I can do it.
I'm so sorry for this state you found yourself in. I know it must be a painful place. I think many of us have had to consider the prospect of living childless and it hurts. I still have some hope for you yet and will pray that you still have your chance. I do understand wanting to move on and find your other happiness however. It's so hard to live in disappointment. No matter what path you choose or are made to choose, I wish you peace.
ReplyDeleteI am exactly where you are, at times I have these exact feelings. All I can say is that if we have to, we will. But I'm assuming you still have frozen embryos left as I do so there is still some hope left. Truthfully most of the time I feel very little hope but its there. I started in 2009 too and it's been such a long battle...hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I wish I had better words than those to offer you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry. I have thought of you these past months.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry too. Been thinking about you and chceking your blog for updates since Oct.
ReplyDeleteMe neither!! I can't do it either!! I am praying that you have a successful FET and don't have to. HUGS!!!
ReplyDeleteI didn't start until 2010, but I do know this feeling. I hope the lining gets thinned out enough (but not too much) and you can have your FET. If we have to accept it, we will, but it sure sucks.
ReplyDeleteDid they give any indication of how long it takes for the brain to 'accept'?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It just sucks.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how incredibly frustrating your lining problem must be. It's bad enough to deal with infertility, but dealing with an unusual flavor of infertility, where the old standby "cures" like IVF and DE don't work, is a whole new kind of horrible.
ReplyDeleteI'm not in the same place as you (other than blog neglect, ugh), but I do understand what a hard place limbo can be. I hope that when you get to FET, it all comes together for you. And if that doesn't happen. I hope that another kind of happy life is waiting for you.
I'm gone to inform my little brother, that he should also visit this weblog on regular basis to get updated from newest news update.
ReplyDeleteMy weblog : Ways to Become a Millionaire