Did You Hear?

Picnik will be ending its services on April 19th.  Fortunately Premium Services are FREE until the site shuts down.  I thought this edit nicely summed up my feelings about my life as of late...

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt is Would you rather make your own choices or have someone make them for you?

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to make decisions for me.   Passing along the responsibility would certainly reduce the toll on my already overtaxed brain and relieve some of the agony of making a choice.

All good things EXCEPT when it comes to my hairdresser.   For way too long he had made the choice of what my hair was going to look like (even when I asked for something quite unlike what he did).  I took that power back today and tried out someone new.

I won't pretend to swagger when I say that.  I was a cowering and quivering ball of angst for about five months, trying to build up the confidence to make an appointment with someone new.  On my way to my appointment today I actually had a tummy ache.  What a wimp!

This afternoon when I looked into the mirror as the final touches were put on my hair, I met my own eyes and smiled.  I loved my hair but better yet, I loved the fact that I made the choice.

Whether

...or not I would return to my blog was never a question.  It was a matter of when I would return to it.  When I could return to it.  When I saw this month's NaBloPoMo prompt, I was motivated and willing to not only revisit my past words but to move in a forward direction with new ones.

PS. I was incredibly touched by those who left comments and wished me well during my absence.  Thank you.

A Proper Send Off

One of Those Weeks

I swear, I am not always whiney but this week work has been much like how Misery Bear experiences it:

IF Colored Glasses

I can't help it.  Everything I read, watch or experience (at least in the last two years or so) is done so through IF colored glasses.  For better or worse it seems IF has just become part of me, part of my perception of the world. 

I've recently been watching the English show "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding", a pseudo documentary on the Traveller/Gypsy culture in Great Britain.  There are arguments on either side about the focus and clarity of the show and even some in the Traveller and Gypsy community are not supportive of the program.  As a lover of sociology and anything remotely different from my own culture, I am eating this show up! 

For the most part the episodes I've watched are about Irish Travellers.  Although historically they have had a nomadic lifestyle, the 21st Century has begun to impact their culture and change their way of life.  Several aspects however have not changed; the duties and status of men and women, the celebrations of life's milestones (birth, marriage, death) and the exclusion of the outside world from their lives.

In the episode "Desperate Housewives" the women (teenagers really) explain that their role in life, their purpose for being, is to get married and have babies.  Period. In between those events they are expected to take care of their husbands, clean the family caravan (trailer) and look back on their wedding day as The Most Important Day of their life. 

As an American (ok, older and single) woman I cannot relate to marriage aspect of this culture but I sure can relate to the producing babies part.  For some reason I felt intense anxiety at the producing babies part of this episode.  Not the usual "OMG, pregnancy and babies are being mentioned" stuff but anxiety over what a Traveller or Gypsy woman would do if she encountered fertility issues.  To whom would she turn?  Would she be shunned?  How would the community and culture handle this diagnosis?  What would their support (or lack of) look like? On and on and on went the questions in my head.

I doubt very much the show would ever wade into these very personal waters but as someone already five nautical miles out in the IF sea, I could not help but factor this into my viewing experience.  Funny, hearing that the teens drop out of school at 11 or 12 did not bother me at all.

What have I turned into?

 

Cyst-tastic!

After the sting of the post-miscarriage bfn in May I decided to take June off.  I felt it wasn't even worth going in for a baseline as I was sure there would be a cyst. 

Fast forward to CD3 on July 5th. I felt so confident as I strolled into the exam room, head on straight and positive attitude affixed to my being....however July wasn't meant to be.  I have two cysts, one on each side with the largest measuring 15.  I didn't cry, pout or otherwise feel defeated.  I figured my body must need some more time.  Maybe my body is manifesting the needs of my mind and heart?

It's all I can do/feel/think at this point.  To allow any negativity would put me back on a pretty dark path, one I am really not wanting to experience again. 

So, I've committed to being healthier this month, cleaning up my eating behaviors and picking up my regular workout routine.  If I am being handed this "off" month I figure I had better use it for something good.

PS. Thank you for the warm welcome back!

Stepping Back and Stepping Back In

I've been wanting to return to blogging after taking time to step back and mend.  Beautifully Mundane's post yesterday gave me the push I needed:

Brand Fan

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt is Are you the fan of a certain brand? 


I use several brands from which I will never ever stray:

For making my own (decaf) skinny vanilla lattes at home.

I attribute my lack of crow's feet to this eye makeup remover. 

To hermetically seal my ears so I can sleep at night.

The only brand with a wide enough toe box for my Flintstone feet.

The only sunscreen that doesn't break me out.  It also recently made the list of the top sunscreens by EWG

Cheap and in bulk.  'Nuff said.

See's scotchmallow, the only scotchmallow that will ever cross my lips.

A note about all of the warm and positive comments left on yesterday's post:   I read and reread them throughout the day today.  They are the only reason I made it through this particularly difficult CD1.    A simple thank you is insufficient but I am writing it just the same.  

Can Anyone Else Tell?

Today during a first-thing-in-the-morning-on-a-Monday-meeting at work I was sitting in the back of a row looking around at everyone, wondering if they could tell my heart was hurting so bad I could barely keep it together.

As people chatted about their weekends, their kids and in one case, their new engagement ring, I felt like I must have missed jumping on the Train of Life at some point.  Like I've been left at some out of the way depot, watching the train speed by, seeing all the people living typical lives in their little compartments and feeling like I forgot to get my ticket punched or something. 

This post is more of a brain-pain dump than a real substantive post I suppose. 

I tested bfn on Sunday and stopped the Prometrium and will most likely get AF tomorrow.

It hurts.

If I stop for a moment and look outside myself and see what I've lost this year already, my mother, my miscarriage, the family who had always been such a large part of my life, it's no wonder this bfn has been so hard to take. 

I know I will be ok in a couple of days and by the next cycle will be ready to jump back into things, but for now?  I look around at all the people I see and interact with and wonder if they know that inside, right now, I feel more dead than alive.

Just Not Feeling It

At 10dpiui I am feeling like this cycle is a bust.  As a frenetic POASer I have tested out the trigger and am now looking at stark whiteness.  My successful cycle gave me a bfp on 9dpiui and although part of me is whispering, "it's just too soon" the realistic side of me knows it's a done deal.

Moving on...

Next month:

Expected cyst(s) + mental fatigue x giant work project = break

Oh, This is Too Easy!

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt: 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Tell us about your favourite band/musician.

Since I am traveling halfway across the world at the end of October to see him it's pretty clear my favorite musician is George Michael!  

I fell in love with his voice from the first moment I heard him.  His music kept me company, kept me sane and kept me moving forward during some very rough teenage and then adult times.  Of course he is also easy on the eyes as my grandma would say.

I have received much ribbing throughout the years for my love of George.  He may be self destructive, impulsive, addicted and/or power happy but his talent and appeal cannot be denied.  

This is one of my favorite fan videos of his surprise appearance at Beyonce's London concert in July of 2009.  Beyonce has been a George Michael fan for years as well. 

Captive

Not only has it been over a week since I last blogged but I also failed miserably at May's ICLW.  Even if Blogger didn't have a ghost in the machine screwing up the commenting feature, I am fairly certain I would have failed ICLW anyway.

Since my iui I have been held captive by and in my own mind.  I became immobile, fully consumed with my thoughts of failure, or worse yet, success and then failure.  True to form, instead of turning to blogging which I have found to be so helpful, I kept it all inside, the synapses of my mind firing roughly 24/7 with nothing but pure anxiety and let's face it, abject panic.

Rather than remaining trapped behind the curtain of my angst (why yes, I do love being melodramatic) *puts back of hand up to forehead*, I am jumping right back in and participating in NaBloPoMo, starting tomorrow.

Today though, I have to admit in this post that I have created a map in my mind akin to the footpath created by the comic strip character Billy in Family Circus.

Like Billy, my starting and ending points are quite linear but in my mind the twists and turns of the path have careened all over the map.  So far I have decided that if I don't succeed in getting pregnant by the end of the year I will do one or more of the following:

• quit my much-loathed job
• sell everything I own
• teach abroad
• enlist in the Peace Corps
• move across the country
• keep my much-loathed job and get a weekend job to make more money to then quit my much-loathed job and do any or all of the above.

I am exhausted.  I've researched my eyeballs out and am now sure that my life will be radically different if I do not reach my goal.  

I haven't even begun to map out the donor egg or embryo option.  I need to give my eyes time to heal.  Oh, the other option?  The two pink lines, big old Beta number and a take home baby option?  I haven't let myself think too much about that.  It's just a little too soon and a little too scary.  

The Eagle(s) Have Landed

All 65 million of them! 

This morning's iui went very smoothly with no hiccups.  As always, I worry that I O'd too soon but there's nothing I can do about that now.  Dr. C said she was very pleased with how my body reacted to Lupro.n so hopefully at least one of the five to six eggs will be both mature and healthy.  Is that too much to (effing) ask?

This time around I lounged about afterwards on the lovely yet uncomfortable table and watched a little of "The Wire" on my iPad and thought good thoughts.  I really appreciate all of the kind thoughts and words that have been coming my way.  I have attributed the calmness I feel this cycle to this support.  With all of my previous cycles I was on my own.  A couple of friends knew what I was doing but no one really knew what I was going through. It truly does make all the difference.

Er, or Not

I am much relieved the world didn't end at 6pm today.  As I lay there enjoying the gentle attentions of LaWanda (that came out weird but you know what I mean), I told Dr. Conceivable I would be really pissed off if the world ended just as things were looking so good for this cycle.

Today's scan showed:

Lining:  11.6

Right:  19.3, 15.8, 11.1, 12.4

Left:  12.4, 12.9, 11.8

So, Tuesday is iui day, which as any IF struggling gal would agree, the world ending 3 days before would really screw up the plans!

A short chat with Dr. C about the potential ending of life as we know it brought up the subject of disaster preparedness.  It sounds like the doctor has her disaster plans (and kits) fully organized and in place, ready to go in case of any emergency or natural disaster.   I wish I could say the same for me! 

I did at one time have a huge disaster preparedness supply in my shed in the backyard.  Slowly, through the years, I raided it and barely anything remains.  I have a rudimentary one in my car but it's nothing really that would keep me for more than two days (and that includes me digging under the seats for old french fries to keep me going).  

As I live smack dab in earthquake country (with The Big One predicted to hit within the next 30 years or so) I realize I am being imprudent and naive.  

What kind of person am I (mother will I be?).  I have no water jugs stashed, no cash tucked into a safe place, no case of Cliff bars or bags of freeze dried food, no extra shoes, antiseptic, toilet paper, dental floss, band aids, matches, radio, batteries or even a flashlight stored anywhere on my premises.  

I'm screwed.

What about you?  How prepared are you?

PS.  Here's a few sites which give comprehensive lists for building your own disaster kit.  It will either make you feel very assured or send you straight into a panic (me).

Ready America - Prepare. Plan. Stay Informed

FEMA - Are You Ready?

American Red Cross

  

Lupronicity

This is only the second time I've used Lupron and I had forgotten how it S L O W S things down.  I am used to stimming a max of 4 days before an IUI.  Not so with Lupron!  No ma'am, we're on a slow and steady path here.

Today's scan by Dr. C showed my lining is at 8.9 and I have five eggs on deck:

Left- 10.3, 11.9, 13.5

Right - 9.6, 10.2, 11.1

I came home happy with my internal workings and satisfied with the conversation I had with Dr. C about my situation.

I proceeded to run some errands, eat lunch, do some real work (thank goodness for telecommuting) and some housework.  If there was a cartoon bubble over my head it would have read, "tra lalalala lala".  Then I snapped to and realized DUH, I need some DNA to make this thing work!  Sperm decisions.  Ugh.  Back to the drawing board.

For the next three hours I analyzed the sperm bank's website like a bookie consulting the weekend racing forms.  I made Venn Diagrams with new donors and my ghosts of donors past.  I plotted eye color and height, constructed loose genetic equations based on given family health information, I called and got vial counts, baby counts, motility and volume counts.  I did it all.  Then collapsed in a puddle, picked up the three pieces of paper with my top three contenders and threw them up in the air.  The one that landed in my lap is the one I chose.  Once I saw it I was happy.  It was the one whose personality I was most drawn to and makes it official...I've never used the same donor twice!

Not scientific by any stretch of the word, but I can tell you I've put less work into picking some of the men I've dated in the past.  I am satisfied, exhausted but satisfied.

Now all I have to do is pick up Frank the Tank and I'm on way come Monday or Tuesday!

btw, the use of the above photo in combination with the title of this post severely ages me.  I realized this when looking up the photo.  Where has the time gone??

Stimming Right Along

Photo by Erin Fagart

I began my protocol last night with no problems.  The Lupron (5 units) doesn't impact me but as I've experienced before, moments after the injections my lower abdomen began to tingle and bloat.  As I lay in bed, wondering what I might fit into for work the next morning,  I imagined the medications herding my (good) eggs, poking them gently with with long sticks, urging them to get in line and shape up for their trip to market.

This time around I am making some subtle adjustments to improve the quality of the herd:

Physical

• Thanks to new mama Shannon for suggesting Coenzyme Q10 which has has been suggested to improve egg quality.  I've been taking a total of 400mg each day.
• I have started walking 3 miles a day.  I am very grateful to the re-emergence of an old friend who is training for the Nike Women's Marathon in October.  My fast walking lines up with her slow running so our partnership is working out well!

Emotional

• I am listening to the Circle+Bloom IVF/IUI series each night.  I've never been one for meditating but so far I like what I hear and it helps me fall asleep (not entirely sure that's the purpose!).
• I rejoined Weight.Watchers online.  My eating habits have become deplorable and it shows.  I joined with a workmate and we've committed to 3 months.  I need to regain control and become more aware of what I am eating and why.  WW and I are longtime frenemies so I expect we'll be uncomfortable with each other for a few days but then things will settle down.

Psychological

• I opened my calendar again.  I am a paper-calendar type of person and haven't been able to open my pocket 2011 calendar since my first/last OB appointment in March.  I've vigorously clipped all the previous months' pages together and am only looking forward now.  Thank goodness for whiteout for all the milestones that were not to be.
• With a shaking hand and a sweaty mouse I purchased a ticket for George Michael's Symphonic Tour.   On October 29th I'll be at the Royal Albert Hall in London, Dress Circle P, front row and I'll be happy estatic.  I have to have something to look forward to, something to pull me through all the days before me.  The ticket was expensive and the trip will be as well but all in all, it's a hell of a lot cheaper (and more enjoyable) than therapy and I figure I need some happiness this year.  Who knows, maybe by then I'll be two attending for the price of one?  

My Ticket is Punched

As I checked into my RE's office this morning I felt like I was buying a ticket on a carnival ride.  I was excited but a part of me felt a little queasy.

A day 2 ultrasound is never a pleasant experience but I was able to laugh about the awkwardness of it all.  I told told the NP, "dignity be damned, bring on LaWanda!".   Aside from my ever present 30mm paratubal cyst on the left side all looks good and I am cleared to begin again.  My protocol this cycle so far is 1 Lupron, 3 Bravelle and 2 Menopur beginning on day 4 (Monday) and another scan on Thursday with an IUI on Friday or Saturday.  I am starting day 4 as opposed to day 3 because I am prone to hyperplasia and I need to "bleed a bit more", which in any other situation would have sent me running down the hall like this.  Seriously, two years ago I would have just about tossed my cookies at most of this stuff.  But now?  Meh, it's all included in the price of admission.

This is the exact same protocol from the last cycle which produced five eggs and gave me a BFP.  I am ok with doing the same thing again for the first time back and I am certainly not a big fan of OHSS which the poor Infertile Gynecologist is beginning to experience.  Dr. Conceivable doesn't work on Saturday but I'll see her Thursday and perhaps she will change things up as she alluded to in our last chat.

I came home fully intending to be an energetic and productive person.

What did I do instead?  Um, well, fell asleep on my love seat.  I never do this because my love seat is only 5'.  I am 5'10" and can never fully recline on it, I more like drape myself over one of the arms.  Anyway, I fell fast asleep and awoke 3 hours later to find I had bled all over the place, through two protective covers and down to the cushion.  I was so out of it I never woke up!  Ugh.  I felt like back when I was a young teenager, not quite used to this monthly hygiene issue.  Oh, and I should mention that upon waking and cleaning up I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror.  Talk about a carnival show!!  I looked like a wild woman (thankfully minus the snakes and bare bosom) with my hair practically on end and my clothes all askew.

I guess this beginning again took more out of me than I realized.  The waiting time after my loss has been extremely stressful and I think I am now feeling the results of that as well as the usual anxiety that comes along with any ART cycle.

I plan to begin blogging more regularly.  I've been in one of Dante's lesser known circles of hell, one that many fertility-challenged 41 year old (single) women can relate to.  When stressed, my natural inclination is to self isolate.  This behavior just adds more stress and anxiety.  And so on and so on.

I've been missing the support of my blogging friends. I realize I need it.  Besides, have you ever had fun at the carnival all by your lonesome?

CD1

Right on time at 28 days two months after D&E. At least that part of me works. Scan tomorrow and the roller coaster begins again...

Mother's Day Secret

and many other thought provoking postcards on today's Post Secret.