A bit over two years ago to be exact. Insert platitudes about time slipping away and life moving on.
My last post was a final point in my journey. Well, until I hit "publish" and then I decided to keep going. The blur between that time and now resulted a very energetic and sensitive now two year old conceived via donor egg.
I may continue blogging after this post, but for now, I felt I had to satisfy the nagging voice in my head that was urging me to "finish it", or at least reclaim that bit of undetermined energy from this important corner, yet neglected, corner of my world.
If anyone is still reading this, I sincerely hope this time has brought you peace and happiness.
May 5, 2016
April 7, 2013
The Time In Between
I've received so many entertaining spam "comments" from my last post! I guess the title of "Meas.urements" will bring the spam bots out of the woodwork.
In the time between that post and now I had failed mock cycles in February and March. Life went on but I was stuck waiting and cursing my body and the situation in which I find myself. I did a lot of thinking but obviously not a lot of blogging. There's only so much I can write about being sad and disappointed. And frustrated. And angry.
This mock cycle was successfully executed and the result? An actual fet date on the calendar. Finally. I'll be leaving in about a week and a half to go and claim the two frozen embryos from my failed fresh donor cycle. As always, the prospect of travel is thrilling, but I don't really have any hope this cycle will yield any different result than any of the others.
I've started to plan a life quite different than the one I had dreamed of my entire life. I may do some teaching abroad eventually but in an attempt to repair some deep wounds and find the person I used to be, I expect I'll do some extended travel in 2014. I see no point of continuing the rat race lifestyle of the American corporate cube-dweller I've been living if I'll never get to take part in the American dream.
In the time between that post and now I had failed mock cycles in February and March. Life went on but I was stuck waiting and cursing my body and the situation in which I find myself. I did a lot of thinking but obviously not a lot of blogging. There's only so much I can write about being sad and disappointed. And frustrated. And angry.
This mock cycle was successfully executed and the result? An actual fet date on the calendar. Finally. I'll be leaving in about a week and a half to go and claim the two frozen embryos from my failed fresh donor cycle. As always, the prospect of travel is thrilling, but I don't really have any hope this cycle will yield any different result than any of the others.
I've started to plan a life quite different than the one I had dreamed of my entire life. I may do some teaching abroad eventually but in an attempt to repair some deep wounds and find the person I used to be, I expect I'll do some extended travel in 2014. I see no point of continuing the rat race lifestyle of the American corporate cube-dweller I've been living if I'll never get to take part in the American dream.
January 29, 2013
Measurements
This fet cycle is eleventy billion times more stressful than the fresh donor cycle. At my scan appointment last week my RE measured my lining at 3.1 and said she felt I could move right into the fet cycle. I was giddy with relief as she wrote out my treatment schedule and as I left the front desk after making my next scan appointment I thought about what I had to do at home and work to prepare for an fet in late February. As usual I relayed the appointment results to my American consultant along with a picture of my newly slim uterus.
The CZ RE was not as impressed and rejected the plan. This has happened before and it's beyond frustrating. I don't want to pick apart the clinic at this point because as a patient I feel I owe it, and the doctor there, some loyalty. I made this choice and have to abide by this RE's treatment plan. And so I will.
However, the delay, the new plan, the new timeline, the different med regime, it has all just chipped away a little bit more of my sanity, my (illusion of) control and my hope that this emotional pain and this physical "abnormality", for lack of a better word, will always be a part of my life.
The new plan has an fet around the third week of March. I can't help but feel any chance of a 2013 baby is slipping away. I hate that I think that way because the goal of this whole blasted thing is not on the same plane as a date or an age or a financial sum, logically thinking that is. I've long since lost much of my logical thinking skills and pretty much function on pure emotion now. I hope it's due to the meds and is not the 'new me'.
The CZ RE was not as impressed and rejected the plan. This has happened before and it's beyond frustrating. I don't want to pick apart the clinic at this point because as a patient I feel I owe it, and the doctor there, some loyalty. I made this choice and have to abide by this RE's treatment plan. And so I will.
However, the delay, the new plan, the new timeline, the different med regime, it has all just chipped away a little bit more of my sanity, my (illusion of) control and my hope that this emotional pain and this physical "abnormality", for lack of a better word, will always be a part of my life.
The new plan has an fet around the third week of March. I can't help but feel any chance of a 2013 baby is slipping away. I hate that I think that way because the goal of this whole blasted thing is not on the same plane as a date or an age or a financial sum, logically thinking that is. I've long since lost much of my logical thinking skills and pretty much function on pure emotion now. I hope it's due to the meds and is not the 'new me'.
January 16, 2013
October 6, 2012
That was the date of my last post. I haven't been able to come back to my blog since then. I've considered deleting it altogether but my stubborn streak that always likes to finish things has prevented that from happening. I have to finish this at The End and not the next to the last chapter.
Due to holiday clinic closures in both countries I did not have the fet in December as I had hoped. It wouldn't have worked anyway as lining problems plague me still. Too thick. I've done two rounds of a drug called Ay.gestin but it had no impact. I'm now on a very low progesterone bcp but if history teaches me anything, my next scan will show little improvement. Too much progesterone, too little progesterone. Both logical approaches to thinning the lining out. Unless it's mine and knows no other growth pattern than DefCom 4.
My emotional state has been dark. I am approaching 43, have been at this since 2009 and am approaching the point where my shattered bits blow away. I never ever thought I would not be a mother. The concept I have of my self, the core of my being and my reason for being a part of humanity has always had motherhood as a central component. I cannot fathom moving forward with what is quite plainly, a totally new identity.
I watched a PBS show a month or so ago that explored the meaning of human happiness. One of the scientists found that once the expectation or hope for something has been removed, the human brain "accepts" this new altered reality and the brain can search for and latch on to another concept that allows for happiness. Watching this show ironically brought me the exact opposite of happiness but the science and facts presented made logical sense.
I wish I could turn off my brain and disconnect my heart. I'd gladly live out the rest of my life working and contributing to society. I'd be a good citizen, I'd pay my taxes and I'd recycle and compost. To live out the rest of my life never having what most have, what some take for granted or don't appreciate, to be the embarrassment of the family, the one to be pitied and to know that I tried so very hard yet failed time and time again? I just don't think I can do it.
Due to holiday clinic closures in both countries I did not have the fet in December as I had hoped. It wouldn't have worked anyway as lining problems plague me still. Too thick. I've done two rounds of a drug called Ay.gestin but it had no impact. I'm now on a very low progesterone bcp but if history teaches me anything, my next scan will show little improvement. Too much progesterone, too little progesterone. Both logical approaches to thinning the lining out. Unless it's mine and knows no other growth pattern than DefCom 4.
My emotional state has been dark. I am approaching 43, have been at this since 2009 and am approaching the point where my shattered bits blow away. I never ever thought I would not be a mother. The concept I have of my self, the core of my being and my reason for being a part of humanity has always had motherhood as a central component. I cannot fathom moving forward with what is quite plainly, a totally new identity.
I watched a PBS show a month or so ago that explored the meaning of human happiness. One of the scientists found that once the expectation or hope for something has been removed, the human brain "accepts" this new altered reality and the brain can search for and latch on to another concept that allows for happiness. Watching this show ironically brought me the exact opposite of happiness but the science and facts presented made logical sense.
I wish I could turn off my brain and disconnect my heart. I'd gladly live out the rest of my life working and contributing to society. I'd be a good citizen, I'd pay my taxes and I'd recycle and compost. To live out the rest of my life never having what most have, what some take for granted or don't appreciate, to be the embarrassment of the family, the one to be pitied and to know that I tried so very hard yet failed time and time again? I just don't think I can do it.
October 6, 2012
Fact
My first DE IVF was a failure.
The official beta test day is tomorrow but it was clear to me that the trigger was turning into a negative and would remain a negative. By 10dp5dt the trigger was totally gone and I knew it was over. I arrived home Wednesday and asked my home RE for a beta test Thursday and she emailed me the results yesterday morning. Gah.
I've had a couple of really rough moments but I haven't fully broken down or allowed myself to slip into the darkness that found me after my m/c and mother died. I just cannot let that happen again.
I can't put off trying again for months on end. The planning for this ivf took over 7 months. Screw work, screw finances, screw personal commitments. I'm planning for an fet in December. My home RE will do the monitoring and I hope to be able to make an appointment for the transfer the third week of December.
My ivf consultant has asked if I want a post-cycle report from the CZ doctor with his suggestions for moving forward. Absolutely! I'm sure included will be my lining issues and a possible hormonal impact of that last minute D&C. What do I know though? Maybe even things that appear perfectly "perfect" do not work out. I think I'd rather buy into that than feeling that my body failed again and/or that I did something wrong.
So, until I get my plans sorted out I'm on austerity measures to afford the trip back. I suppose there are worse things than a Christmastime visit through Vienna again.
My return to life stateside, work especially, has been a little like death by a million cuts:
The official beta test day is tomorrow but it was clear to me that the trigger was turning into a negative and would remain a negative. By 10dp5dt the trigger was totally gone and I knew it was over. I arrived home Wednesday and asked my home RE for a beta test Thursday and she emailed me the results yesterday morning. Gah.
I've had a couple of really rough moments but I haven't fully broken down or allowed myself to slip into the darkness that found me after my m/c and mother died. I just cannot let that happen again.
I can't put off trying again for months on end. The planning for this ivf took over 7 months. Screw work, screw finances, screw personal commitments. I'm planning for an fet in December. My home RE will do the monitoring and I hope to be able to make an appointment for the transfer the third week of December.
My ivf consultant has asked if I want a post-cycle report from the CZ doctor with his suggestions for moving forward. Absolutely! I'm sure included will be my lining issues and a possible hormonal impact of that last minute D&C. What do I know though? Maybe even things that appear perfectly "perfect" do not work out. I think I'd rather buy into that than feeling that my body failed again and/or that I did something wrong.
So, until I get my plans sorted out I'm on austerity measures to afford the trip back. I suppose there are worse things than a Christmastime visit through Vienna again.
My return to life stateside, work especially, has been a little like death by a million cuts:
- cancelled flight home (without notice) which resulted in airport crying and many hours delay in getting home.
- emails to my personal email account from work two days before I was due back.
- a team meeting 4 hours after being in the office to detail my "top priorities" and a look at 2013's projects.
- people asking how many emails I had (you know, because the more emails you have that pile up in your absence, the greater your importance).
- my very pregnant coworker/friend bringing her 2 year old in to visit and playing in my cube (in all fairness, as she is the only one who knows what's going on, she asked me if it was ok first. What could I say? It just brought back the memories of when we were ttc-ing together and how now she has a 2 year old and one on the way).
- another coworker who left for another department coming to visit me yesterday and tell me all about her new baby and how I "HAVE to see the new show Call the Midwife".
- coming back to the same old shit and remembering how I felt all those months planning this and thinking I would come back pregnant.
Obviously work figures prominently in my life and I think I've posted before about how this job is unfulfilling, brings me much stress and is soul sucking. It's all that but it's also the instrument by which I've been able to do all that I have ttc-wise and that is what I must remember.
I'm going to catch up on sleep today, unpack and try to let go of the rest of the sadness and anger that is bubbling below the surface. I'd rather hope be my driving force. I have so little reserves left that I must purposely choose what keeps me going every day.
Thank you all for being so supportive and helpful during this process. Thousands of miles away I never felt alone.
September 30, 2012
Life Is A Beautiful Bitch
I'm not sure where I heard that line but I think about it often, especially today as my trip is winding down.
I've had a wonderful trip. The past five days in London have been full of all the things I love - art, music, history and good food. The weather has been a little chilly but sunny with very little rain. I've been out and about every day and I've never once not marveled about how fortunate I am to be here and be healthy enough to travel (lots of walking!).
I so wanted to not test until today (7dp5dt) and I met my goal. My reasoning included needing time to compose myself before returning to work. Returning to work after vacation is a rough transition in general, but I feared returning from vacation with a bfn would really send me down a deep and dark path.
So, this morning at 7 days past a 5,000 Pregnyl trigger I tested. I then tested this evening about 12 hours later. The results are inconclusive. It could be leftover trigger. It could be an evap line. I just don't know.
This is where life being a (beautiful) bitch makes me chuckle. I can't help it. When I saw the test this morning and read it as a negative I laughed out loud. All of this, not just this cycle, but all the others, the m/c, the time, the stress, the heartache, the money, the life I've put off having...all for naught. I can do nothing else but laugh at this point.
I'll test tomorrow but I don't feel anything other than PIO symptoms.
I've also been thinking of another saying that has more to do with prayer, something I no longer rely on much anymore. The gist of the saying is to not feel that God/the Universe/Mother Nature is ignoring your pleas.
Sometimes the answer is simply "no". It's always been no. I've just not been listening.
I've had a wonderful trip. The past five days in London have been full of all the things I love - art, music, history and good food. The weather has been a little chilly but sunny with very little rain. I've been out and about every day and I've never once not marveled about how fortunate I am to be here and be healthy enough to travel (lots of walking!).
I so wanted to not test until today (7dp5dt) and I met my goal. My reasoning included needing time to compose myself before returning to work. Returning to work after vacation is a rough transition in general, but I feared returning from vacation with a bfn would really send me down a deep and dark path.
So, this morning at 7 days past a 5,000 Pregnyl trigger I tested. I then tested this evening about 12 hours later. The results are inconclusive. It could be leftover trigger. It could be an evap line. I just don't know.
This is where life being a (beautiful) bitch makes me chuckle. I can't help it. When I saw the test this morning and read it as a negative I laughed out loud. All of this, not just this cycle, but all the others, the m/c, the time, the stress, the heartache, the money, the life I've put off having...all for naught. I can do nothing else but laugh at this point.
I'll test tomorrow but I don't feel anything other than PIO symptoms.
I've also been thinking of another saying that has more to do with prayer, something I no longer rely on much anymore. The gist of the saying is to not feel that God/the Universe/Mother Nature is ignoring your pleas.
Sometimes the answer is simply "no". It's always been no. I've just not been listening.
September 23, 2012
Blasts On Board And I Accidentally Ate Ostrich
My eyes popped open at 4am this morning. There was no snoozing until my alarm at 6. It was transfer day!
My appointment was at 9am but I arrived by taxi at 8:20 or so. I knew I had to submit some paperwork and go over my meds with the nurse to see if I needed anything before leaving.
I was the only one there (patient-wise) and after handing over my originals and receiving photocopies of all my forms the nurse led me to the aftercare area where I was to meet the embryologist. I was surprised by the size of the clinic. Although the outside, and structurally inside, it appears to be a late 19th century estate, full of graceful lines and swirls of baroque detail, the inside is gleaming white and modern.
The bright and sunny aftercare room was upstairs and contained three beds which had fluffy duvet covers on them and big square European sized pillows plopped at their heads. The radiator was set to "toast" and as I waited for the embryologist to come in I considered crawling under one of the duvets and taking a nap.
The embryologist brought with her a spreadsheet of my embryos' life since retrieval. Today, day 5, I had two hatching blastocysts and two blastocysts. Although I had been wrestling with the "how many embryos do I transfer" issue, when she asked me how many I'd like to transfer I quickly answered, "two". She said the other two were strong and would freeze nicely. Two as potential backups? I couldn't even digest that as I was assuming there would be nothing to freeze.
After she finished talking about the embryos and the procedure, the embryologist took from her pocket an object wrapped in paper. She said she is a painter also and painted something for me. She unwrapped a shiny white quartz-like rock about the size of a Chapstick cube. On it she had painted a four leaf clover with each leaf resembling a heart. She said she wanted this token to bring me good fortune and happiness. I was taken aback by this unexpected act of kindness. As I held it in the palm of my hand I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes and had to fight the urge to stand and hug her. Instead I thanked her sincerely and rushed to the restroom. Not exactly graceful but I hadn't prepared for that.
Next the nurse came to take me to the "operating theatre" where, when I entered the outside room, I was asked to step on a sticky piece of flooring and leave my shoes placed on it. I then put on my socks (not lucky ones, just plain ones to cover the horrific state of my pedicure due to travel), removed my pants and underwear and put on a paper skirt given to me by the nurse. It was more like an apron and it reminded me of the ones Lucy Ricardo wore on "I Love Lucy" (where this odd thought came from at a time like that I do not know!). I then crammed my size ten feet into the white Crocs given to me by the nurse and shuffled into the theatre.
The doctor explained the procedure (his English was very good so I think the first time I met him he was just using the nurse-translator for medical terms). The embryologist came in with the catheter, then left to check it and I was done! The nurse stood by my side the whole time with her hand on my shoulder and when he was done the doctor said I had a "perfect transfer" with perfect lining, perfect embryos, no cervix problems and no bleeding. As he was telling me this I felt like he was talking to someone else. "Who me? L'il ole me?" *dragging one toe in a circle in the dust*. Also at this time it finally came to me that he looked like a young Dominic West. This had been bugging me since I first met him. I could not figure out who he reminded me of. Again with the arcane thoughts apropos of nothing.
I was then left to rest on the table for 15 mintes after which the embryologist brought me. ACD of my embryos' development. The nurse then let me change and led me back to the aftercare room where I got my trigger shot in the rear, collected my things and went down to reception to pay 350 Czeck Crowns for my trigger shot (about $16). A taxi was then called and I headed back to the hotel where I took a short nap.
I wandered to the town square to discover a food festival hosted by restaurants in the area. For about $1.25 I could buy a ticket to exchange for small plates of food at any of the 25 booths. I bought 8 tickets and moved from booth to booth sampling homemade potato gnocchi smothered in mushroom sauce, small mountains of garlic mashed potatoes under thick slices if roasted ham and several other delicious offerings. It was pretty crowded, especially at the last boo, so I stood in line and handed over my last two tickets for a plate filled with two skewers of roasted meat with apples. I went over to a table to devour the food, marveling at its tenderness and rich flavor. I got up and moved towards the trash container and froze in my tracks. There, just after the booth, was a small pen filled with straw which contained two fuzzy and gangly baby ostriches. They were lurching around the pen, snapping at each other with their beaks and batting their long eyelashes at the kids who were peering between the fence. I just ate one of their relatives! I'm obviously not a vegetarian but I didn't expect to see those two adorable creatures after eating one of them!
I then walked back to my hotel where I am now snuggled under a feather duvet watching old episodes of "Frasier". For some reason this all-Frasier channel is the only English channel. Kelsey Grammer must be getting even more wealthy from Czech tv!
I feel great and am going to take it easy for the next day and a half. It's hard to sit still when I've been constantly on the go. London is my next stop before home. I am now wrestling with testing. I brought along some cheapie strip tests. I just don't know if I want to test while in my most favorite place on earth. If it's bad news I don't want the two associated. Like S.carlett, I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.
My appointment was at 9am but I arrived by taxi at 8:20 or so. I knew I had to submit some paperwork and go over my meds with the nurse to see if I needed anything before leaving.
I was the only one there (patient-wise) and after handing over my originals and receiving photocopies of all my forms the nurse led me to the aftercare area where I was to meet the embryologist. I was surprised by the size of the clinic. Although the outside, and structurally inside, it appears to be a late 19th century estate, full of graceful lines and swirls of baroque detail, the inside is gleaming white and modern.
The bright and sunny aftercare room was upstairs and contained three beds which had fluffy duvet covers on them and big square European sized pillows plopped at their heads. The radiator was set to "toast" and as I waited for the embryologist to come in I considered crawling under one of the duvets and taking a nap.
The embryologist brought with her a spreadsheet of my embryos' life since retrieval. Today, day 5, I had two hatching blastocysts and two blastocysts. Although I had been wrestling with the "how many embryos do I transfer" issue, when she asked me how many I'd like to transfer I quickly answered, "two". She said the other two were strong and would freeze nicely. Two as potential backups? I couldn't even digest that as I was assuming there would be nothing to freeze.
After she finished talking about the embryos and the procedure, the embryologist took from her pocket an object wrapped in paper. She said she is a painter also and painted something for me. She unwrapped a shiny white quartz-like rock about the size of a Chapstick cube. On it she had painted a four leaf clover with each leaf resembling a heart. She said she wanted this token to bring me good fortune and happiness. I was taken aback by this unexpected act of kindness. As I held it in the palm of my hand I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes and had to fight the urge to stand and hug her. Instead I thanked her sincerely and rushed to the restroom. Not exactly graceful but I hadn't prepared for that.
Next the nurse came to take me to the "operating theatre" where, when I entered the outside room, I was asked to step on a sticky piece of flooring and leave my shoes placed on it. I then put on my socks (not lucky ones, just plain ones to cover the horrific state of my pedicure due to travel), removed my pants and underwear and put on a paper skirt given to me by the nurse. It was more like an apron and it reminded me of the ones Lucy Ricardo wore on "I Love Lucy" (where this odd thought came from at a time like that I do not know!). I then crammed my size ten feet into the white Crocs given to me by the nurse and shuffled into the theatre.
The doctor explained the procedure (his English was very good so I think the first time I met him he was just using the nurse-translator for medical terms). The embryologist came in with the catheter, then left to check it and I was done! The nurse stood by my side the whole time with her hand on my shoulder and when he was done the doctor said I had a "perfect transfer" with perfect lining, perfect embryos, no cervix problems and no bleeding. As he was telling me this I felt like he was talking to someone else. "Who me? L'il ole me?" *dragging one toe in a circle in the dust*. Also at this time it finally came to me that he looked like a young Dominic West. This had been bugging me since I first met him. I could not figure out who he reminded me of. Again with the arcane thoughts apropos of nothing.
I was then left to rest on the table for 15 mintes after which the embryologist brought me. ACD of my embryos' development. The nurse then let me change and led me back to the aftercare room where I got my trigger shot in the rear, collected my things and went down to reception to pay 350 Czeck Crowns for my trigger shot (about $16). A taxi was then called and I headed back to the hotel where I took a short nap.
I wandered to the town square to discover a food festival hosted by restaurants in the area. For about $1.25 I could buy a ticket to exchange for small plates of food at any of the 25 booths. I bought 8 tickets and moved from booth to booth sampling homemade potato gnocchi smothered in mushroom sauce, small mountains of garlic mashed potatoes under thick slices if roasted ham and several other delicious offerings. It was pretty crowded, especially at the last boo, so I stood in line and handed over my last two tickets for a plate filled with two skewers of roasted meat with apples. I went over to a table to devour the food, marveling at its tenderness and rich flavor. I got up and moved towards the trash container and froze in my tracks. There, just after the booth, was a small pen filled with straw which contained two fuzzy and gangly baby ostriches. They were lurching around the pen, snapping at each other with their beaks and batting their long eyelashes at the kids who were peering between the fence. I just ate one of their relatives! I'm obviously not a vegetarian but I didn't expect to see those two adorable creatures after eating one of them!
I then walked back to my hotel where I am now snuggled under a feather duvet watching old episodes of "Frasier". For some reason this all-Frasier channel is the only English channel. Kelsey Grammer must be getting even more wealthy from Czech tv!
I feel great and am going to take it easy for the next day and a half. It's hard to sit still when I've been constantly on the go. London is my next stop before home. I am now wrestling with testing. I brought along some cheapie strip tests. I just don't know if I want to test while in my most favorite place on earth. If it's bad news I don't want the two associated. Like S.carlett, I'll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.
September 21, 2012
Inviting Rampant Speculation Because Google Makes Me Cower In Abject Terror
I've received an update this morning from the clinic. My time it's about 3 days past retrieval (give or take half a day as far as I can calculate. The status thus far is two-8 cells, one-5 and one-4. I did a cursory web check but actually developed an upset stomach. Weak as water am I!
Any ideas from those more experienced?
My transfer is set for Sunday at 9am so it sounds like the clinic expects at least something to make it.
I experienced my first travel bump today. I stayed last night in a midieval (yet surprisingly well touristed) city. I got there from Vienna by shuttle van and had a very nice room at a family-run pension. I was to be picked up by another shuttle company at 5pm to get to the city where the clinic is. The shuttle driver received wrong pick up info and left without me. An hour later they sent a driver (who was probably in the middle of dinner and sports on the tv from the looks of it) who drove like a maniac to the closest city with a train station. He gave me cash back for half of what I paid via PayPal (around $25). So I get to this town and the mean soup Nazi-ish woman at the ticket office says what I finally realize is that no more trains to the city I need to get to tonight. I then go across the street to the bus station. Same results. So now I'm standing there at 7:45pm in a strange bus station wondering what the heck to do. Thank goodness for my iPhone! I found a hotel with availability for about $45. I hopped in a cab and here I am. I emailed the hotel where I was supposed to be tonight and promised to pay for tonight when I arrive tomorrow. I also sent the shuttle company a disgruntled email and they said they would refund the other half of my fare via PayPal. I won't hold my breath though. Anyway, standing there in that Communistic era train station I felt rather alone and scared. I found some teenagers who spoke a little English and who helped me figure out how to get to the busses and how to read the schedules. I'm so glad now I allowed one "cushion" day before transfer. Just a minor bump and I think I'll forget it as soon as I leave tomorrow morning.
Any ideas from those more experienced?
My transfer is set for Sunday at 9am so it sounds like the clinic expects at least something to make it.
I experienced my first travel bump today. I stayed last night in a midieval (yet surprisingly well touristed) city. I got there from Vienna by shuttle van and had a very nice room at a family-run pension. I was to be picked up by another shuttle company at 5pm to get to the city where the clinic is. The shuttle driver received wrong pick up info and left without me. An hour later they sent a driver (who was probably in the middle of dinner and sports on the tv from the looks of it) who drove like a maniac to the closest city with a train station. He gave me cash back for half of what I paid via PayPal (around $25). So I get to this town and the mean soup Nazi-ish woman at the ticket office says what I finally realize is that no more trains to the city I need to get to tonight. I then go across the street to the bus station. Same results. So now I'm standing there at 7:45pm in a strange bus station wondering what the heck to do. Thank goodness for my iPhone! I found a hotel with availability for about $45. I hopped in a cab and here I am. I emailed the hotel where I was supposed to be tonight and promised to pay for tonight when I arrive tomorrow. I also sent the shuttle company a disgruntled email and they said they would refund the other half of my fare via PayPal. I won't hold my breath though. Anyway, standing there in that Communistic era train station I felt rather alone and scared. I found some teenagers who spoke a little English and who helped me figure out how to get to the busses and how to read the schedules. I'm so glad now I allowed one "cushion" day before transfer. Just a minor bump and I think I'll forget it as soon as I leave tomorrow morning.
September 19, 2012
Zehn
Is German for ten. Thats how many eggs were retrieved from my donor! European clinics do not push IVF patients as hard as American clinics do so I was not expecting a bumper crop of eggs. As of late yesterday 7 were fertilized and 6 were in "a prenuclear stage". Not sure what that indicates. I havent heard anything later today and i am ok without daily embryo updates. I think it's wise for me just to let go. I can't change anything now anyway.
So when I visited the clinic last week I was struck by how different the waiting room felt. It was its own separate room with multiple tables with chairs around them. It was more like a cafe than a waiting room. In fact I was even asked if I wanted tea or coffee! No one else was there so I tucked into some free Internet and waited to see the doctor. When I was led back I couldn't help but feel like I was in a Scandinavian Design store. I saw one picture of a baby done professionally and hung in the hall. I braced myself for a room full of Christmas cards with babies in the exam room like at home but there was only a picture of some zen-esque rocks. The doctor's desk and computer was at one side of a large room and the table at the other end. I changed in a little dressing room and then hopped on a chair-not really a table. It was like a futuristic BarcaLounger with flat paddles instead of one long foot rest. The machinery was all very modern and new and the scan was quick. When I came into the room I shook hands with the doctor, who greeted me warmly. I didn't realize until later, when he was saying things to the IVF coordinator who was also in the room, that either his English wasn't fluent or he was trying to have the info relayed in a non medical way I could understand when translated. After the scan I was able to ask both the doctor and the coordinator questions. I wasn't charged for the scan and was driven back to the train station by the coordinator.
I don't know what I was expecting but I admit I was nervous. I needn't have been!
I left that Wednesday expecting to hear from the IVF coordinator on Friday. I was to receive word to do a 5,000hcg shot. When I didn't hear by 7pm I called my American consultant who was able to get the info for me. I think there was a misunderstanding about how to reach me. The ivf coordinator used text but that wasn't working on my phone. Anyway, minor panic but got word to trigger on Sunday and begin my PIO today. Done and done!
I wondered why I needed a trigger shot as a DE IVF recipient and was told the clinic has found that it helps the body to prepare as it would naturally. I'll also get a 5,000 booster on the day of transfer.
I've been reading your blogs but have only been successful at commenting on a few! I'm not sure what the deal is but I'm keeping up from afar!
I'm in Vienna btw. I fell off the "no coffee" wagon. Who can pass up a cup of Viennese coffee and a slice of apple strudel? Not this girl, that's for sure!
So when I visited the clinic last week I was struck by how different the waiting room felt. It was its own separate room with multiple tables with chairs around them. It was more like a cafe than a waiting room. In fact I was even asked if I wanted tea or coffee! No one else was there so I tucked into some free Internet and waited to see the doctor. When I was led back I couldn't help but feel like I was in a Scandinavian Design store. I saw one picture of a baby done professionally and hung in the hall. I braced myself for a room full of Christmas cards with babies in the exam room like at home but there was only a picture of some zen-esque rocks. The doctor's desk and computer was at one side of a large room and the table at the other end. I changed in a little dressing room and then hopped on a chair-not really a table. It was like a futuristic BarcaLounger with flat paddles instead of one long foot rest. The machinery was all very modern and new and the scan was quick. When I came into the room I shook hands with the doctor, who greeted me warmly. I didn't realize until later, when he was saying things to the IVF coordinator who was also in the room, that either his English wasn't fluent or he was trying to have the info relayed in a non medical way I could understand when translated. After the scan I was able to ask both the doctor and the coordinator questions. I wasn't charged for the scan and was driven back to the train station by the coordinator.
I don't know what I was expecting but I admit I was nervous. I needn't have been!
I left that Wednesday expecting to hear from the IVF coordinator on Friday. I was to receive word to do a 5,000hcg shot. When I didn't hear by 7pm I called my American consultant who was able to get the info for me. I think there was a misunderstanding about how to reach me. The ivf coordinator used text but that wasn't working on my phone. Anyway, minor panic but got word to trigger on Sunday and begin my PIO today. Done and done!
I wondered why I needed a trigger shot as a DE IVF recipient and was told the clinic has found that it helps the body to prepare as it would naturally. I'll also get a 5,000 booster on the day of transfer.
I've been reading your blogs but have only been successful at commenting on a few! I'm not sure what the deal is but I'm keeping up from afar!
I'm in Vienna btw. I fell off the "no coffee" wagon. Who can pass up a cup of Viennese coffee and a slice of apple strudel? Not this girl, that's for sure!
September 15, 2012
Lady In Waiting
I've had some trouble with my Blogger app. I am attempting this from the site via my phone so just a quick update.
I arrived safely but a bit exhausted. My travels were smooth save for one militant security woman in Frankfurt. She went all through my meds and even matched up the doctor's letter to what I had with me. My heart nearly froze after she approved of that and then moved on to my bag of liquids. I was way overthe limit and explained it was for three weeks. She tisked at my lack of checked baggage but let me through.
I made it to the clinic in the CZ. The IVF coordinator met me at the train station and whisked me to the clinic. I was apprehensive that after the D&C I would have too little lining at that point, even with a hefty estrogen regime. It was 10.5 though and the doctor proclaimed it to be "perfect for transfer". It was so worth the extra 8 hours of travel that day just to know for sure.
I got an update last night that the donor will have retreival on Tuesday and I'll have a transfer on Sunday the 23rd. I've had to do some rearranging of my itinerary because I've now got two extra days that I Havebefore I have to be near the clinic. It's a great problem to have at this point.
I am doing this blog via free wifi at a cafe in the square of St. Stephan's church in Budapest. It's a lively city and it's beauty has made me tear up a couple of times. Must be the meds! All for now but in my next post I'll talk a little about the clinic and my first impressions.
Curious note: why is it that at home cigarette smoking is repulsive but I'm finding it to be quite sophisticated here????
Please excuse any errors btw. I can't see what I'm writing for some reason...
I arrived safely but a bit exhausted. My travels were smooth save for one militant security woman in Frankfurt. She went all through my meds and even matched up the doctor's letter to what I had with me. My heart nearly froze after she approved of that and then moved on to my bag of liquids. I was way overthe limit and explained it was for three weeks. She tisked at my lack of checked baggage but let me through.
I made it to the clinic in the CZ. The IVF coordinator met me at the train station and whisked me to the clinic. I was apprehensive that after the D&C I would have too little lining at that point, even with a hefty estrogen regime. It was 10.5 though and the doctor proclaimed it to be "perfect for transfer". It was so worth the extra 8 hours of travel that day just to know for sure.
I got an update last night that the donor will have retreival on Tuesday and I'll have a transfer on Sunday the 23rd. I've had to do some rearranging of my itinerary because I've now got two extra days that I Havebefore I have to be near the clinic. It's a great problem to have at this point.
I am doing this blog via free wifi at a cafe in the square of St. Stephan's church in Budapest. It's a lively city and it's beauty has made me tear up a couple of times. Must be the meds! All for now but in my next post I'll talk a little about the clinic and my first impressions.
Curious note: why is it that at home cigarette smoking is repulsive but I'm finding it to be quite sophisticated here????
Please excuse any errors btw. I can't see what I'm writing for some reason...
September 10, 2012
We Have Lift Off
Literally and figuratively! My flight leaves tomorrow afternoon and in 14 short hours (gulp) I'll be in Budapest! It hardly seems real.
My American RE emailed me today to tell me that the pathology report was clean. No hyperplasia. I felt sweet relief wash over me. The feeling was fantastic. She also said they discovered a small polyp and that it was a very good thing I had the procedure before the transfer.
Unfortunately the CZ clinic could not locate a Hungarian clinic to do a lining scan so Thursday, the day after I get there, I have to take a train from Budapest to the CZ to visit the clinic for a scan. It's a four hour train trip each way but I guess at this point the inconvenience is to be overlooked. After all of this my perspective is greatly changed and nothing they tell me to do would be argued with. It has to be done and so it shall.
I hope to get some rest the next couple of travel days. This weekend was really rough. The work event went well but I wasn't feeling 100%. People commented that I was pale but I wasn't in pain. I was just exhausted and felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Despite all of that, I received recognition for my work and left the office today with everything tied up very neatly. That too is a great feeling.
As I finish my minor packing details I can't help but look at my small carry on and see my hopes and dreams tucked alongside the clothes, meds and toiletries. It's a fragile bundle. Kinda like me at this point but there's no going back now and I'm ready to take the leap. Thank you for coming along with me.
My American RE emailed me today to tell me that the pathology report was clean. No hyperplasia. I felt sweet relief wash over me. The feeling was fantastic. She also said they discovered a small polyp and that it was a very good thing I had the procedure before the transfer.
Unfortunately the CZ clinic could not locate a Hungarian clinic to do a lining scan so Thursday, the day after I get there, I have to take a train from Budapest to the CZ to visit the clinic for a scan. It's a four hour train trip each way but I guess at this point the inconvenience is to be overlooked. After all of this my perspective is greatly changed and nothing they tell me to do would be argued with. It has to be done and so it shall.
I hope to get some rest the next couple of travel days. This weekend was really rough. The work event went well but I wasn't feeling 100%. People commented that I was pale but I wasn't in pain. I was just exhausted and felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Despite all of that, I received recognition for my work and left the office today with everything tied up very neatly. That too is a great feeling.
As I finish my minor packing details I can't help but look at my small carry on and see my hopes and dreams tucked alongside the clothes, meds and toiletries. It's a fragile bundle. Kinda like me at this point but there's no going back now and I'm ready to take the leap. Thank you for coming along with me.
September 7, 2012
"This Is A Big Deal"
That's what my RE said to me last night after she arrived at the hospital and I thanked her profusely for treating me that night. It IS a big deal to me and she got that. I tried not to get too emotional in pre op and I think I did ok. I felt like I didn't really have the time or energy to get too emotional.
The D&C was fast and I was in and out of the hospital in four and a half hours. My RE says everything looked normal and her work had a very light touch. I woke up very quickly, drank whatever was put in front of me so I could produce the required sample showing I was back to normal, and was off. It was a bit nerve wracking keeping my friend/neighbor/ride out of my business during check in, etc. but overall, it was an ok evening.
The only thing that could go wrong now (well, the biggest) is that the pathology report shows hyperplasia. If that happens I'll most likely find out when I'm abroad and the cycle will be canceled and if I go through treatment again I'll have to do an FET further on down the line. This isn't too likely since I just had a clean biopsy at the beginning of summer and that biopsy followed two other negative ones. I filed this info away in my "worst case scenario" memory folder. I just don't have the energy to devote to worrying about this.
I didn't sleep all that well last night. I woke up really hungry and nervous about the scan this morning. Needn't have worried as the lining measurement is 3.5mm. The other RE at my US clinic says all looks good and gave me his best wishes.
The CZ clinic has already sent me an updated protocol so this morning I started estrogen with breakfast and will start C.etrotide on the 13th. My consultant is trying to find a place in Budapest where I can get scan before I start the C.etrotide. If not in Budapest I'll have to go to the CZ for a quick scan.
My RE said last night that it's often the cycles with the most stress and logistical acrobatics that have the best outcomes. You hear that Universe?
September 6, 2012
DNC
Looks like I am going to miss tonight's big speech. I'll be enjoying a D&C instead. Went in for a CD4 scan this morning to see how thin my lining is. 7 is not thin enough to move forward so my RE is going to do a mini D&C tonight. Is the stable ovarian cyst I've had for over a year just now deciding to kick into gear? Is the 2cm paratubal cyst I've had since birth choking off something? Is it the hyperplasia? My RE doesn't know but God bless her heart, she's leaving her clinic and going to hospital OR to give my ute a gentle scraping tonight.
As I lay there on the table this morning, looking at the screen, I felt utterly discouraged, angry, sad and bitter. I should know by now not to expect things to work smoothly or at all for me. I hate falling into that way of thinking but that's where my mind slid.
I quickly refocused and talked thru all of the possible scenarios with my RE. She ordered blood work, which I had done directly after the scan and will have me see her colleague tomorrow morning for another scan to see where I'm at. The plan is if tomorrow's scan is fine then I can start the estrogen and then the C.etrotide shortly after. My body seems to be in hyperdrive, all bursting with readiness to pump out a crappy egg. She is going to try to stop this cycle and make the time I have left work so I can get enough estrogen in me in time for the transfer.
I will have to pop over to the CZ on the 14th to get a scan at the clinic which I won't mind. It's not that far from Budapest. Now, at this point, I just have to let go. I went to work thinking I would not make it through the day. It's the last day before my big project kicks off tomorrow and Saturday. Not sure how I'm going to bounce back from a D&C and hit the floor running tomorrow. I guess if I can get thru even this, I just may deserve some good fortune. Is that how it works?
I called my consultant and she was ever calming and helpful. I'll let her know what the results of the blood draw and D&C are tonight and then I'll pick up with the estrogen tomorrow. Right now I am two days behind schedule. I hope I can make up this time. I hope this works. I hope for a lot of things, but really, I just hope for a fair shake at things. I knew going into DE IVF abroad there would be bumps along the way but this would have happened where ever I had IVF done. It makes me mad. It makes me hungry too. I haven't been able to eat or drink all day.
I bet my RE had better things to do tonight. I know I did.
As I lay there on the table this morning, looking at the screen, I felt utterly discouraged, angry, sad and bitter. I should know by now not to expect things to work smoothly or at all for me. I hate falling into that way of thinking but that's where my mind slid.
I quickly refocused and talked thru all of the possible scenarios with my RE. She ordered blood work, which I had done directly after the scan and will have me see her colleague tomorrow morning for another scan to see where I'm at. The plan is if tomorrow's scan is fine then I can start the estrogen and then the C.etrotide shortly after. My body seems to be in hyperdrive, all bursting with readiness to pump out a crappy egg. She is going to try to stop this cycle and make the time I have left work so I can get enough estrogen in me in time for the transfer.
I will have to pop over to the CZ on the 14th to get a scan at the clinic which I won't mind. It's not that far from Budapest. Now, at this point, I just have to let go. I went to work thinking I would not make it through the day. It's the last day before my big project kicks off tomorrow and Saturday. Not sure how I'm going to bounce back from a D&C and hit the floor running tomorrow. I guess if I can get thru even this, I just may deserve some good fortune. Is that how it works?
I called my consultant and she was ever calming and helpful. I'll let her know what the results of the blood draw and D&C are tonight and then I'll pick up with the estrogen tomorrow. Right now I am two days behind schedule. I hope I can make up this time. I hope this works. I hope for a lot of things, but really, I just hope for a fair shake at things. I knew going into DE IVF abroad there would be bumps along the way but this would have happened where ever I had IVF done. It makes me mad. It makes me hungry too. I haven't been able to eat or drink all day.
I bet my RE had better things to do tonight. I know I did.
September 4, 2012
Fra-Gee-Lay
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| "That must be Italian!"~Mr. Parker Image from http://www.redriderleglamps.com |
Somehow I got it in my mind that I had totally failed my mock cycle. That perceived failure, plus all the other real failures stacked up behind it, sent me into a tailspin. Not a great place or time to take that detour.
My second scan was pushed to this morning. CD2. Gah. Anyway, my RE agreed that my lining was thicker than usual but not abnormal. She did not feel that the hyperplasia had returned since all cycles before this and after the last biopsy were normal. She said she'd do a biopsy right then and there but I recoiled and told her I didn't think it was necessary. Really, I was too scared. Scared to find out what would come back and scared of the pain. I think I've justified it in my mind now by thinking I am trusting fully in her and the results of the biopsy just a few months ago. Her parting words to me were also very reassuring. She said my measurement had gone from 15 to 8 without any shedding or hormones so with CD2 and CD3 it was sure to decrease even more. I'm taking that as gold and walked out with a "peace of mind" appointment for Thursday. I'm waiting to hear from my consultant via the Czech clinic if this third scan is necessary.
So, my whole protocol is set but may change based on today's scan. The time difference is a bump at this point...wishing I would hear sooner rather than later because I am supposed to start estrogen tomorrow.
Work is still incredibly stressful. Friday was a watershed moment when I realized that I do not have the support I've thought (and been told I had). It was blatant and it continues this week. I decided to stop second guessing myself and just accept this is what I have to work with. The next several days will be hellish but at least I can focus a bit more on the work and stop thinking, "Is what I think is happening actually happening?".
In good news though, my cat (well, not wholly mine, I co-parent him with the neighbors across the street) has fully recovered from surgery due an abscess he got from an injury by another cat. He had been missing while I was camping and the several days afterwards. By the time I found him he was septic and almost dead. He's sitting next to me right now on the couch, head on his pillow and sleeping blissfully.
August 24, 2012
Slow Meltdown
It all began with an email from my consultant: "You're lining was a bit too thick so the doctor wants you to reschedule your next scan to after your next cycle starts." I got this on my phone just as I sat down for lunch in a busy restaurant with my pg work friend. I million things went through my mind and continued to do so after I returned to my desk. It was such a busy day that all I could do was shoot my RE's office an email and request to have my next scan changed from the 30th to the 4th.
Running through my mind in no particular order:
1. (I lied. This was number one for sure). The damn hyperplasia has come back.
2. I am going to have to have a hysterectomy.
3. I know my RE's last day before vacation is the 30th. I am not so sure others in the practice will do the scan since I am doing IVF abroad. I belong to the health group that proclaims to T.hrive yet oftentimes has a very narrow view of medicine practiced outside their dominion.
4. I do not have the extra money to pay for a scan out of pocket. Mind you I haven't priced them but I've seen people charged $1200 at the desk when I've been waiting to be seen.
5. I failed my mock cycle.
6. The transfer cannot happen.
7. I cannot reschedule my vacation.
8. I'm screwed.
I rushed home and Googled the hell out of "lining too thick mock cycle DE IVF" and came up with everything from "mock cycle canceled" to "Russian RE likes thick lining".
(a weepy hour passes)
After a few emails with my consultant I am feeling much better than I was. She explained that most US doctors prefer a thick lining but that the CZ doctor wants to know if my scan measurements (14mm and 15mm) were indeed accurate. To determine this I have to finish my estradiol and progesterone, shed some lining and then get a scan before I begin taking taking estrogen.
I hope to hear back about rescheduling the appointment on Monday.
Work isn't helping with all of this. It's incredibly stressful and I don't feel that I get much support, mostly because others are equally overwhelmed. Still, I'm working on the largest project of the year and I've had so many things thrown at me (other projects, people out of the office, deadlines I've set for others not met, etc.) that I am really feeling scared/anxious/overwhelmed and angry.
I suppose the meds are not helping. I've never particularly like 400mg of progesterone a day. It makes me bloated, exceptionally tired and weepy.
I've also been struggling to the point of sleepless nights on how many embryos to transfer. I've seen studies that with two, the stronger pulls the weaker one along so both typically make it. I've seen studies where one and one only, make for a healthy pregnancy. I've done calculations on daycare, looked at places to move so I could afford daycare and rent, read twin pregnancy stories with no hitches and those with some rough spots and some with some major problems.
What to do? My mind is exhausted and this week has been one I'd rather forget.
Damn! I started planning this whole thing months ago. I should have evenly distributed my panic and anxiety over the past several months. I can't handle it all at once!
Running through my mind in no particular order:
1. (I lied. This was number one for sure). The damn hyperplasia has come back.
2. I am going to have to have a hysterectomy.
3. I know my RE's last day before vacation is the 30th. I am not so sure others in the practice will do the scan since I am doing IVF abroad. I belong to the health group that proclaims to T.hrive yet oftentimes has a very narrow view of medicine practiced outside their dominion.
4. I do not have the extra money to pay for a scan out of pocket. Mind you I haven't priced them but I've seen people charged $1200 at the desk when I've been waiting to be seen.
5. I failed my mock cycle.
6. The transfer cannot happen.
7. I cannot reschedule my vacation.
8. I'm screwed.
I rushed home and Googled the hell out of "lining too thick mock cycle DE IVF" and came up with everything from "mock cycle canceled" to "Russian RE likes thick lining".
(a weepy hour passes)
After a few emails with my consultant I am feeling much better than I was. She explained that most US doctors prefer a thick lining but that the CZ doctor wants to know if my scan measurements (14mm and 15mm) were indeed accurate. To determine this I have to finish my estradiol and progesterone, shed some lining and then get a scan before I begin taking taking estrogen.
I hope to hear back about rescheduling the appointment on Monday.
Work isn't helping with all of this. It's incredibly stressful and I don't feel that I get much support, mostly because others are equally overwhelmed. Still, I'm working on the largest project of the year and I've had so many things thrown at me (other projects, people out of the office, deadlines I've set for others not met, etc.) that I am really feeling scared/anxious/overwhelmed and angry.
I suppose the meds are not helping. I've never particularly like 400mg of progesterone a day. It makes me bloated, exceptionally tired and weepy.
I've also been struggling to the point of sleepless nights on how many embryos to transfer. I've seen studies that with two, the stronger pulls the weaker one along so both typically make it. I've seen studies where one and one only, make for a healthy pregnancy. I've done calculations on daycare, looked at places to move so I could afford daycare and rent, read twin pregnancy stories with no hitches and those with some rough spots and some with some major problems.
What to do? My mind is exhausted and this week has been one I'd rather forget.
Damn! I started planning this whole thing months ago. I should have evenly distributed my panic and anxiety over the past several months. I can't handle it all at once!
August 18, 2012
The Awkwardness Of Discovering I Drunk Emailed A Psychic
Well...probably more like "tipsy"emailed really.
I was cleaning out my email inbox yesterday, which is very time consuming as I rarely delete my emails, and came across a PayPal payment for a reading to a "conception psychic". I felt my ears and face grow hot when the memory of drinking a bit too much Kahlua and cream one night right around the New Year came back to me. It doesn't take much to make me loopy but I think I was extra sensitive to alcohol that night as I was grappling with the realization I would not/could not move forward with my own eggs.
I don't remember how I found the psychic but I notice the charge was only $7 so at the time I probably thought it was a great investment. Nothing in the reading seems to relate to me, except for maybe the part about being disappointed (who hasn't been?). I chuckled at her worry about my "partner" and I think her vision of me having PCOS is probably based on the picture I apparently sent (more ear and face burning). Hey lady, don't you know fertility meds, taken for months on end, lead to a bit of chubbiness? Humpf.
Anyway, this find in my inbox reminds me of where I was just a few months ago. Although the Kahlua might have softened the edges that night, I can now almost immediately touch that familiar place of pain and desperation. I don't think I'll ever lose those feelings but now I can also see how I have moved through it and on to a hopefully more positive place.
At this point it's too painful to take the entire walk down memory lane and proclaim "it was all worth it", but embarrassment aside, I'm feeling ok about about the last few months (mind you not "ok" enough to forgo digging through all emails from that time period to see who else I had sent my hard earned money to!).
For your entertainment...my reading:
I was cleaning out my email inbox yesterday, which is very time consuming as I rarely delete my emails, and came across a PayPal payment for a reading to a "conception psychic". I felt my ears and face grow hot when the memory of drinking a bit too much Kahlua and cream one night right around the New Year came back to me. It doesn't take much to make me loopy but I think I was extra sensitive to alcohol that night as I was grappling with the realization I would not/could not move forward with my own eggs.
I don't remember how I found the psychic but I notice the charge was only $7 so at the time I probably thought it was a great investment. Nothing in the reading seems to relate to me, except for maybe the part about being disappointed (who hasn't been?). I chuckled at her worry about my "partner" and I think her vision of me having PCOS is probably based on the picture I apparently sent (more ear and face burning). Hey lady, don't you know fertility meds, taken for months on end, lead to a bit of chubbiness? Humpf.
Anyway, this find in my inbox reminds me of where I was just a few months ago. Although the Kahlua might have softened the edges that night, I can now almost immediately touch that familiar place of pain and desperation. I don't think I'll ever lose those feelings but now I can also see how I have moved through it and on to a hopefully more positive place.
At this point it's too painful to take the entire walk down memory lane and proclaim "it was all worth it", but embarrassment aside, I'm feeling ok about about the last few months (mind you not "ok" enough to forgo digging through all emails from that time period to see who else I had sent my hard earned money to!).
For your entertainment...my reading:
I hope this reading finds you happy and healthy. I also appreciate your patience.
When I connect with you, I sense passion and discouragement. I feel you are very apprehensive on your ttc journey. I feel at times you feel it will never happen. I feel with each cycle, you and your partner at times don’t know what to say anymore when it is a BFN. I also feel partner took miscarriage harder than you thought he would. He too is apprehensive and worried. I do see a positive cycle ahead. I see some good cycles for ttc. I feel it is part of your destiny to be a mom. I feel there will be more than one child. I see 2 in total.
As far as fertility, I feel you may have PCOS. I sense issues with ovulation. I feel as though tubes are open and uterus is healthy. I feel you have tried fertility meds and they do get you to ovulate. I do feel you need IUI or IVF in order to conceive. Is there any issue with partner??
I see March as the month to conceive or find out. I see a boy. I do feel it will be an IVF cycle. I feel you will some fatigue prior to testing, and will just “know” you are pregnant. I do sense some morning sickness at the start, but feel medications from cycle may make you feel “yucky.” I feel you will have nausea and heartburn throughout pregnancy, and I don’t see a lot of weight gain due to food aversion. I see a healthy pregnancy. Keep your feet up when you rest; I see some swelling in ankles.
I feel you will go full term. I see a smooth delivery and a vaginal delivery. J
Good Luck!!
"$7-richer psychic lady"
August 13, 2012
You Do Know This is Decaffeinated, Right?
"Yes I do, thank you", I said to the clerk through gritted teeth and then turned and slunk out the door of my local S.bux gripping a bag of decaf espresso beans.
The monkey is off my back. Of course it's now dancing on my brain with its little monkey feet, squeezing my cranium in an iron grip with its little monkey paws.
Someone please tell me to stop this "first world problem" lament. Seriously.
I'm now caffeine free!
The monkey is off my back. Of course it's now dancing on my brain with its little monkey feet, squeezing my cranium in an iron grip with its little monkey paws.
Someone please tell me to stop this "first world problem" lament. Seriously.
I'm now caffeine free!
August 6, 2012
Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!
How convenient that I left off the biggest item on my To Do List. Ceasing all caffeine intake! My mind tried to shield me from the horrors of such a task. Nevertheless, it belongs at the top of the list.
I am a double shot kinda girl. Specifically an iced skinny single pump vanilla latte kind of girl. I make my own at home to cut down on expenses and I enjoy it both taste-wise, energy boost-wise and prevention from throttling my coworkers-wise.
I've quit at various point in my ttc attempts and I'll do it again, it's just that I don't look forward to it. I'm going away on Thursday for a four day camping trip. Instead of dragging along my campfire espresso pot and accessories I think I will go cold turkey. Hopefully the lazing about, the clean air and the daily hikes will make the process easier.
Who am I kidding? Any bears in the area better watch their step because the first couple of days without my fix I am going to turn into a beast in two seconds flat.
I am a double shot kinda girl. Specifically an iced skinny single pump vanilla latte kind of girl. I make my own at home to cut down on expenses and I enjoy it both taste-wise, energy boost-wise and prevention from throttling my coworkers-wise.
I've quit at various point in my ttc attempts and I'll do it again, it's just that I don't look forward to it. I'm going away on Thursday for a four day camping trip. Instead of dragging along my campfire espresso pot and accessories I think I will go cold turkey. Hopefully the lazing about, the clean air and the daily hikes will make the process easier.
Who am I kidding? Any bears in the area better watch their step because the first couple of days without my fix I am going to turn into a beast in two seconds flat.
August 5, 2012
To Do List
Yesterday was CD1 as I expected. I am now glad I did not take the BCP before my mock cycle!
I emailed my consultant and she provided me with the clinic's mock cycle protocol which consists of inactive and active BCPs and then a scan to measure my lining on the 20th at which point the protocol may be adjusted before the next scan on the 30th. I have to say I have enjoyed not doing the injectables involved in an IUI cycle. I guess "enjoyed" isn't the right word. More like appreciated not having to do them. And relieved.
I have been keeping a mental list of things I need to complete before my trip, with the hope that should I return with a bfp, these things would be done and I could relax and *somewhat* enjoy the next 8 months or so. The first item was to shampoo all the carpets in my apartment and buy a new sofa. I was not looking forward to that cost or the work involved. In a very bizarre turn of events, some of my furniture was damaged by rodents (I know, it sounds gawd-awful but I live in an old duplex apartment owned by people who do not maintain their property) so my landlord agreed to pay to have the entire place shampooed and I found a new sofa & free chair on C.raigslist. It worked out so well and although that weekend was a logistical challenge, finding someone to haul the old stuff to the dump and then transport the new stuff to my place, it's done and I love the new-to-me furniture and my clean carpets!
Another little project involved my backyard which I have really let go in the last couple of years. I had quite a junk heap growing by the side of my apt. which included a large tub full of water and from what I could see, baby mosquitoes. Today I spent most of the afternoon cleaning up the yard, weeding, pruning, sweeping and most satisfying of all, dumping. It needs more work to be the beautiful garden I once had, but it will do for now.
Also on my to do list...lose the pounds I had piled on during my ttc cycles. I've never been exactly svelte but I was once down to a weight I felt good at. I wanted to lose these 18lbs before leaving for my trip. I'm at -11lb now and doubt I'll lose 7 more before the second week of September but I'm not complaining. Er, maybe I will just a little. It's been very difficult to lose that weight!!!!! I don't know if it's my age or where the weight is on my body but it's been a real struggle. I've been doing my B.ar M.ethod classes 4-5x a week and walking the others days and using the MyF.itness P.al every day (now at 90 days straight!) but I'll be damned if it hasn't taken precision measuring and constant focus to lose this weight. I realize (and hope) I may be losing to just gain it, and more, back but I have never worked this hard to see such small progress.
Other items on my list, which will not get done I'm afraid, include replacing my car windshield (giant crack that I could have prevented if I had fixed the small chip), painting my bathroom, cleaning my oven and fridge and organizing my linen closet. There just hasn't been the time.
I am now in the busiest time of the year at work. It's going to be constant until 4 days before i leave. I think this is a good thing for it will keep my mind busy and my anxiety focused on something tangible. At some points during my day though, or when I am standing at my sink washing dishes, or driving on the freeway, I think about what I am doing, what I've been through and what my future may look like and I feel like a character in a book. Who IS this person I've become? I hope by the time all is said and done I look back and feel comfortable with my decisions and proud of my efforts. Right now though I feel like I'm living someone else's life!
I emailed my consultant and she provided me with the clinic's mock cycle protocol which consists of inactive and active BCPs and then a scan to measure my lining on the 20th at which point the protocol may be adjusted before the next scan on the 30th. I have to say I have enjoyed not doing the injectables involved in an IUI cycle. I guess "enjoyed" isn't the right word. More like appreciated not having to do them. And relieved.
I have been keeping a mental list of things I need to complete before my trip, with the hope that should I return with a bfp, these things would be done and I could relax and *somewhat* enjoy the next 8 months or so. The first item was to shampoo all the carpets in my apartment and buy a new sofa. I was not looking forward to that cost or the work involved. In a very bizarre turn of events, some of my furniture was damaged by rodents (I know, it sounds gawd-awful but I live in an old duplex apartment owned by people who do not maintain their property) so my landlord agreed to pay to have the entire place shampooed and I found a new sofa & free chair on C.raigslist. It worked out so well and although that weekend was a logistical challenge, finding someone to haul the old stuff to the dump and then transport the new stuff to my place, it's done and I love the new-to-me furniture and my clean carpets!
Another little project involved my backyard which I have really let go in the last couple of years. I had quite a junk heap growing by the side of my apt. which included a large tub full of water and from what I could see, baby mosquitoes. Today I spent most of the afternoon cleaning up the yard, weeding, pruning, sweeping and most satisfying of all, dumping. It needs more work to be the beautiful garden I once had, but it will do for now.
Also on my to do list...lose the pounds I had piled on during my ttc cycles. I've never been exactly svelte but I was once down to a weight I felt good at. I wanted to lose these 18lbs before leaving for my trip. I'm at -11lb now and doubt I'll lose 7 more before the second week of September but I'm not complaining. Er, maybe I will just a little. It's been very difficult to lose that weight!!!!! I don't know if it's my age or where the weight is on my body but it's been a real struggle. I've been doing my B.ar M.ethod classes 4-5x a week and walking the others days and using the MyF.itness P.al every day (now at 90 days straight!) but I'll be damned if it hasn't taken precision measuring and constant focus to lose this weight. I realize (and hope) I may be losing to just gain it, and more, back but I have never worked this hard to see such small progress.
Other items on my list, which will not get done I'm afraid, include replacing my car windshield (giant crack that I could have prevented if I had fixed the small chip), painting my bathroom, cleaning my oven and fridge and organizing my linen closet. There just hasn't been the time.
I am now in the busiest time of the year at work. It's going to be constant until 4 days before i leave. I think this is a good thing for it will keep my mind busy and my anxiety focused on something tangible. At some points during my day though, or when I am standing at my sink washing dishes, or driving on the freeway, I think about what I am doing, what I've been through and what my future may look like and I feel like a character in a book. Who IS this person I've become? I hope by the time all is said and done I look back and feel comfortable with my decisions and proud of my efforts. Right now though I feel like I'm living someone else's life!
July 18, 2012
Rubber Ducky Is Staying Home
The clinic said that I should be fine to take a dip before the transfer but there is a small chance of infection. That small chance is not one I am willing to take so I'll just be taking the tour of Szecheny Baths and not taking a dip in any of the pools. Peace of mind is a great trade off!
Since I am not really comfortable sharing my plans for DE IVF with most of the people in my life I've created two travel itineraries. I feel like a real jerk when people ask me about my plans and I have to tell them the fake itinerary. I'm not a great liar and although I feel badly about it, I know it's the best way to handle this situation.
Regardless of the version of my trip I share, I always hear astonishment (and pity?) that I am traveling alone. I've done many trips all over the world, on my own and with groups of one to 8 people. I am completely comfortable traveling solo. I actually enjoy it because I can go and do and see what I want. I find that I stretch my social skills and become a different version of me (normally I'm a bit shy). Some of my fondest travel memories are those where I've met new people.
So, in my typical Planny McPlanner style, I am busily filling in my days before and after the transfer, thrilled with the opportunity to see new things and have new adventures.
Here's the real itinerary:
9/12-9/16: Budapest
9/17-9/21: Vienna
9/22-9/25: Brno, Czech Republic
9/26-10/2: London
I plan to blog along the way (WiFi willing) so I won't really be all alone, will I?
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