July 15, 2011

One of Those Weeks

I swear, I am not always whiney but this week work has been much like how Misery Bear experiences it:

July 11, 2011

IF Colored Glasses

I can't help it.  Everything I read, watch or experience (at least in the last two years or so) is done so through IF colored glasses.  For better or worse it seems IF has just become part of me, part of my perception of the world. 

I've recently been watching the English show "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding", a pseudo documentary on the Traveller/Gypsy culture in Great Britain.  There are arguments on either side about the focus and clarity of the show and even some in the Traveller and Gypsy community are not supportive of the program.  As a lover of sociology and anything remotely different from my own culture, I am eating this show up! 

For the most part the episodes I've watched are about Irish Travellers.  Although historically they have had a nomadic lifestyle, the 21st Century has begun to impact their culture and change their way of life.  Several aspects however have not changed; the duties and status of men and women, the celebrations of life's milestones (birth, marriage, death) and the exclusion of the outside world from their lives.

In the episode "Desperate Housewives" the women (teenagers really) explain that their role in life, their purpose for being, is to get married and have babies.  Period. In between those events they are expected to take care of their husbands, clean the family caravan (trailer) and look back on their wedding day as The Most Important Day of their life. 

As an American (ok, older and single) woman I cannot relate to marriage aspect of this culture but I sure can relate to the producing babies part.  For some reason I felt intense anxiety at the producing babies part of this episode.  Not the usual "OMG, pregnancy and babies are being mentioned" stuff but anxiety over what a Traveller or Gypsy woman would do if she encountered fertility issues.  To whom would she turn?  Would she be shunned?  How would the community and culture handle this diagnosis?  What would their support (or lack of) look like? On and on and on went the questions in my head.

I doubt very much the show would ever wade into these very personal waters but as someone already five nautical miles out in the IF sea, I could not help but factor this into my viewing experience.  Funny, hearing that the teens drop out of school at 11 or 12 did not bother me at all.

What have I turned into?


July 8, 2011


After the sting of the post-miscarriage bfn in May I decided to take June off.  I felt it wasn't even worth going in for a baseline as I was sure there would be a cyst. 

Fast forward to CD3 on July 5th. I felt so confident as I strolled into the exam room, head on straight and positive attitude affixed to my being....however July wasn't meant to be.  I have two cysts, one on each side with the largest measuring 15.  I didn't cry, pout or otherwise feel defeated.  I figured my body must need some more time.  Maybe my body is manifesting the needs of my mind and heart?

It's all I can do/feel/think at this point.  To allow any negativity would put me back on a pretty dark path, one I am really not wanting to experience again. 

So, I've committed to being healthier this month, cleaning up my eating behaviors and picking up my regular workout routine.  If I am being handed this "off" month I figure I had better use it for something good.

PS. Thank you for the warm welcome back!

July 7, 2011

Stepping Back and Stepping Back In

I've been wanting to return to blogging after taking time to step back and mend.  Beautifully Mundane's post yesterday gave me the push I needed: