June 7, 2011

Brand Fan

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt is Are you the fan of a certain brand? 

I use several brands from which I will never ever stray:
For making my own (decaf) skinny vanilla lattes at home.

I attribute my lack of crow's feet to this eye makeup remover. 
To hermetically seal my ears so I can sleep at night.

The only brand with a wide enough toe box for my Flintstone feet.

The only sunscreen that doesn't break me out.  It also recently made the list of the top sunscreens by EWG

Cheap and in bulk.  'Nuff said.

See's scotchmallow, the only scotchmallow that will ever cross my lips.

A note about all of the warm and positive comments left on yesterday's post:   I read and reread them throughout the day today.  They are the only reason I made it through this particularly difficult CD1.    A simple thank you is insufficient but I am writing it just the same.  

June 6, 2011

Can Anyone Else Tell?

Today during a first-thing-in-the-morning-on-a-Monday-meeting at work I was sitting in the back of a row looking around at everyone, wondering if they could tell my heart was hurting so bad I could barely keep it together.

As people chatted about their weekends, their kids and in one case, their new engagement ring, I felt like I must have missed jumping on the Train of Life at some point.  Like I've been left at some out of the way depot, watching the train speed by, seeing all the people living typical lives in their little compartments and feeling like I forgot to get my ticket punched or something. 

This post is more of a brain-pain dump than a real substantive post I suppose. 

I tested bfn on Sunday and stopped the Prometrium and will most likely get AF tomorrow.

It hurts.

If I stop for a moment and look outside myself and see what I've lost this year already, my mother, my miscarriage, the family who had always been such a large part of my life, it's no wonder this bfn has been so hard to take. 

I know I will be ok in a couple of days and by the next cycle will be ready to jump back into things, but for now?  I look around at all the people I see and interact with and wonder if they know that inside, right now, I feel more dead than alive.

June 3, 2011

Just Not Feeling It

At 10dpiui I am feeling like this cycle is a bust.  As a frenetic POASer I have tested out the trigger and am now looking at stark whiteness.  My successful cycle gave me a bfp on 9dpiui and although part of me is whispering, "it's just too soon" the realistic side of me knows it's a done deal.

Moving on...

Next month:

Expected cyst(s) + mental fatigue x giant work project = break

June 2, 2011

Oh, This is Too Easy!

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt: 

Thursday, June 2, 2011
Tell us about your favourite band/musician.

Since I am traveling halfway across the world at the end of October to see him it's pretty clear my favorite musician is George Michael!  

I fell in love with his voice from the first moment I heard him.  His music kept me company, kept me sane and kept me moving forward during some very rough teenage and then adult times.  Of course he is also easy on the eyes as my grandma would say.

I have received much ribbing throughout the years for my love of George.  He may be self destructive, impulsive, addicted and/or power happy but his talent and appeal cannot be denied.  

This is one of my favorite fan videos of his surprise appearance at Beyonce's London concert in July of 2009.  Beyonce has been a George Michael fan for years as well. 

June 1, 2011


Not only has it been over a week since I last blogged but I also failed miserably at May's ICLW.  Even if Blogger didn't have a ghost in the machine screwing up the commenting feature, I am fairly certain I would have failed ICLW anyway.

Since my iui I have been held captive by and in my own mind.  I became immobile, fully consumed with my thoughts of failure, or worse yet, success and then failure.  True to form, instead of turning to blogging which I have found to be so helpful, I kept it all inside, the synapses of my mind firing roughly 24/7 with nothing but pure anxiety and let's face it, abject panic.

Rather than remaining trapped behind the curtain of my angst (why yes, I do love being melodramatic) *puts back of hand up to forehead*, I am jumping right back in and participating in NaBloPoMo, starting tomorrow.

Today though, I have to admit in this post that I have created a map in my mind akin to the footpath created by the comic strip character Billy in Family Circus.

Like Billy, my starting and ending points are quite linear but in my mind the twists and turns of the path have careened all over the map.  So far I have decided that if I don't succeed in getting pregnant by the end of the year I will do one or more of the following:

  • quit my much-loathed job
  • sell everything I own
  • teach abroad
  • enlist in the Peace Corps
  • move across the country
  • keep my much-loathed job and get a weekend job to make more money to then quit my much-loathed job and do any or all of the above.
I am exhausted.  I've researched my eyeballs out and am now sure that my life will be radically different if I do not reach my goal.  

I haven't even begun to map out the donor egg or embryo option.  I need to give my eyes time to heal.  Oh, the other option?  The two pink lines, big old Beta number and a take home baby option?  I haven't let myself think too much about that.  It's just a little too soon and a little too scary.