Singular Desire: Today

May 13, 2012

Today

I am keeping this phrase in mind...

"Breathe deeply and hold your heart with gentle hands."

I found a greeting card at Trader Joe.s with this simple saying on the front. The inside of the card is blank. Next year I hope to write the following on the inside...

"I did and it was worth it."

2 comments:

AnonymousMay 13, 2012 at 1:30 PM
I like that phrase. :-) It would be nice if we all could remember to be gentle with ourselves.
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BillyMay 13, 2012 at 3:10 PM
Here's hoping with you.
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Thoughts?

Directions and Detours

June 2009 (39 years old)
Preconception check up with Ob/Gyn. All seems ok but sent for mammogram and perinatal consult.

July 2009
Mammogram ok. Perinatologist provides obligatory AMA warnings, changes meds and sends me on my way with an enthusiastic, "Call me when you get a positive!"

August 2009
Preconception appointment with internist. She runs routine blood tests and signs registration form from sperm bank.

Officially register at sperm bank and "pick my pony".

Meet with RE who does full health background screening and marvels at my last 7 months of cycle tracking (all perfect straight up 28 days with ovulation on day 14). Orders more blood tests. FSH 8.

September 2009
While on vacation in another country receive call from internist. Blood tests came back abnormal. She wants me to schedule bone marrow biopsy to rule out leukemia.

Receive email from RE. Also suspects something is wrong. Puts all appointments on hold until I receive clearance from internist and peri.

October 2009
Thelassemia ruled out. Leukemia ruled out. Severe anemia and lack of Vitamin D suspected. I follow directions, take supplements, change diet and look forward to IUI in November.

Begin to feel "off" but suspect psychosomatic symptoms. Exhausted and mid cycle spotting.

November 2009
Ovulate right on time, jump into stirrups convinced I will conceive on first unmedicated IUI. NP whips out Wanda and exclaims, "Well dear, it seems you have something in there...do you know what fibroids are? No? What about polyps?". Heart sinks. BFN

December 2009
HSG and Hysterosonogram. Hydrosalpinx suspected and two giant masses in uterus identified.

April 2010 (39 years old)
Lap and hysteroscopy surgery. After surgery RE tells me she removed two large polyps, did another HSG and all was well-both tubes open. She shows me pictures of everything including a large paratubal cyst that I've had all along and never knew about. Curse it and the polyps but glad it's all over.

April 2010 (40 years old)
Follow up appt. with RE. Knew something was wrong when she brings someone else in the room. The name badge says "oncologist". RE tells me she also did D&C during surgery and results reveal complex hyperplasia without atypia but with rapidly developing pre cancerous cells. Oncologist discusses hysterectomy and I literally leave my body. Sent next door to MD for treatment.

Progesterone treatment for 3 months.

July 2010
Endomedtrial biospsy by MD - hyperplasia resolved/receive clearance to do IUI.

August 2010
Medicated IUI (Menopur w/trigger for only 3 days-4 follies) BFN

September 2010
Medicated IUI (Menopur/Bravelle w/trigger for only 3 days-4 follies) BFN

October 2010
Same protocol-BFN. I suspect things are happening too fast. Why do some women do injections for days? I barely take it for a day or two and I'm ready to ovulate.

November 2010
Another IUI and another BFN. RE says she will add Lupron to protocol which may keep ovulation at bay.

Later this month Day 3 ultrasound shows cysts. Benched and angry.

December 2010
Cysts gone and RE adjusts Lupron slightly and says if this doesn't work she'll do another biopsy. She suspects the hyperplasia has returned. Five follicles are seen and warnings about multiples are discussed.

January 2011
BFP!!!!!!!!!!!! First Beta indicates twins. Surreal experience.

February 2011
Twins are confirmed but one appears to not have heartbeat. Baby A has heartbeat.

Second ultrasound shows Baby A is strong and Baby B has weak heartbeat.

Third ultrasound shows Baby B has no heartbeat. Baby A has strong heartbeat. Where do I get off this roller coaster?

March 2011
Graduate to OB. First prenatal appointment. Just paperwork but symptoms are there and I am reveling in them.

March 2011
First official OB appointment. Baby A dead also.

March 2011
D & E at 11.5 weeks. My heart is frozen, my soul is dark and my thoughts are darker.

Begin blogging.