That was the date of my last post. I haven't been able to come back to my blog since then. I've considered deleting it altogether but my stubborn streak that always likes to finish things has prevented that from happening. I have to finish this at The End and not the next to the last chapter.
Due to holiday clinic closures in both countries I did not have the fet in December as I had hoped. It wouldn't have worked anyway as lining problems plague me still. Too thick. I've done two rounds of a drug called Ay.gestin but it had no impact. I'm now on a very low progesterone bcp but if history teaches me anything, my next scan will show little improvement. Too much progesterone, too little progesterone. Both logical approaches to thinning the lining out. Unless it's mine and knows no other growth pattern than DefCom 4.
My emotional state has been dark. I am approaching 43, have been at this since 2009 and am approaching the point where my shattered bits blow away. I never ever thought I would not be a mother. The concept I have of my self, the core of my being and my reason for being a part of humanity has always had motherhood as a central component. I cannot fathom moving forward with what is quite plainly, a totally new identity.
I watched a PBS show a month or so ago that explored the meaning of human happiness. One of the scientists found that once the expectation or hope for something has been removed, the human brain "accepts" this new altered reality and the brain can search for and latch on to another concept that allows for happiness. Watching this show ironically brought me the exact opposite of happiness but the science and facts presented made logical sense.
I wish I could turn off my brain and disconnect my heart. I'd gladly live out the rest of my life working and contributing to society. I'd be a good citizen, I'd pay my taxes and I'd recycle and compost. To live out the rest of my life never having what most have, what some take for granted or don't appreciate, to be the embarrassment of the family, the one to be pitied and to know that I tried so very hard yet failed time and time again? I just don't think I can do it.