June 12, 2012

The Post Wherein I Proclaim I Find It Very Hard To Look At Myself In The Mirror

My most closest friend and coworker is pregnant.  Again.

We both started trying around the same time, I was about six months ahead of her and was well versed with temperatures, EWCM, OPKs, Toni Weschler, pre-seed and supplements.  When we compared notes I realized she was doing many things wrong.  She was at the point of making an appointment to be seen by an RE when I shared what I knew.  BAM!  BFP!

It was hard for me, but I buried my feelings and was the most supportive friend I could be.  I listened to the little complaints, went shopping for clothes, looked at nursery stuff, talked about names, was on the shower planning committee (both at work and in real life) and was there the day her son was born. I've been to his naming ceremony, his first birthday and several events in between.

She had an early mc or chemical in January which I found hard too.  How lame is that?  I know that four years ago my friends would have said I was a kind, compassionate and caring person.  I don't think those words fit me now and it makes me sad.

I am trying to be more available for my friend, to listen more, talk more and be normal.  In the meantime I am fully disgusted with myself.  Mind you I am perfectly ok with my feelings when it involves someone I don't particularly like or am close to.  This friend though, this person who has been so wonderfully supportive, kind and caring towards me, I cannot scrounge up enough happiness for her.

I am going to really work on my behavior with the hope that my feelings will change or evolve.   She deserves better.


  1. Your feelings are completely normal. We've all been there. You are a very good friend.

  2. Unfortunately this journey has shaped all of us. You are a good person and the fact that you care how your feelings, etc. have changed is a positive sign.

  3. MY GOD...for everything you have gone through to now be judging yourself on your feelings towards a friend...you are not a monster, you are human.

    Please be kind to yourself <3

  4. I have had all those feelings and then some!

    It's the heartache talking not your heart.

    Hang in there! HUGS!!

  5. What a hard place for you to be but I don't think you should be so hard on yourself because it sounds as tho you've been very good to your friend. I had let good friendships drift away solely because they were having babies & I couldn't deal.

  6. Like the others have said, we've all been there. It sucks both being in the position to feel that way, and hating that you feel that way.

    When one of my BFFs got accidentally pregnant right after my miscarriage a few years ago, I talked to a good friend of mine who gave me some wonderful advice. She told me to be open and honest with my BFF and tell her that while I was very happy for her, I was very sad for myself. And that saddness was making it impossible for me to fully be there for her when she needed me. I pulled away for a while, and she understood. It was a hard conversation, but I think it saved our friendship.

  7. Don't beat yourself up. This is hard stuff and just because we aren't overjoyed doesn't mean we're bad. I think Shannon's advice is perfect.

  8. It is so hard seeing someone you love and care for being pregnant and then again. Be gentle with yourself. (and I like Shannon's advice -talk to her, tell her it's hard for you. I'm sure she'll understand).

  9. Hello. I came upon your blog, and then the post you did on June 12th, and it struck me really intensely. I wrote a similar post on my blog earlier this week. And, although, feeling the way I do isn't who I want to be, at this moment, showing joy, even to someone I care about- who has something that I fear is only a dream for me- well- it is comforting to know others feel the same. THank you!