Shannon's post about Father's Day has been stuck in my mind. Thinking about all of the possible (typically negative) outcomes that could come of my choice to be a SMC, and a double donor SMC to boot, my anxiety has been getting the better of me lately.
If, perchance, I fall into the statistical category where a BFP from my DE IVF turns into a real live baby, I worry about what my child will face in life. Will s/he be hurt at school during some genealogical unit of study? Will my child wonder why I am so much older than the other mothers? Will my child become resentful that s/he cannot celebrate Father's Day? These scenarios, plus about a billion more, rattle around in my brain constantly.
I attended a conference last week where a speaker gave a presentation about personal wellness. His presentation was excellent in that it tied together many practical points on how to balance life at work and at home, as well as how to reframe how one thinks about life and what is important enough to worry about and what isn't. I found the following quote to be very helpful to my current situation:
“For many this life is a vale of tears; for no one is it free of pain. But we are so designed that we can cope with it if we can live within some context of meaning. Given that powerful help, we can draw on the deep springs of the human spirit, to see our suffering in the framework of all human suffering, to accept the gifts of life with thanks and endure life’s indignities with dignity.”
Gardner JW: Personal renewal.
I am looking to this quote to reframe the way in which I see my (potential) child's life. The phrase "context of meaning" is making me look at the future in a different way.
It's up to me to build and support a context of meaning of life that is healthy, supportive and positive for my child. Should I get to that point I feel that I can do that, especially with the support system I have built and continue to build.
On another note, thank you for the very helpful comments about my friend and how I am feeling about her pregnancy and our relationship. I took the excellent advice and spoke to her about what I am going through. She was very understanding. We've made plans to renew our friendship with revised expectations. Just knowing she "gets it", as much as a someone in her second pregnancy can, is enough for me. I will try to be a bit more understanding of myself and my feelings as well.