August 24, 2012

Slow Meltdown

It all began with an email from my consultant:  "You're lining was a bit too thick so the doctor wants you to reschedule your next scan to after your next cycle starts."  I got this on my phone just as I sat down for lunch in a busy restaurant with my pg work friend.  I million things went through my mind and continued to do so after I returned to my desk.  It was such a busy day that all I could do was shoot my RE's office an email and request to have my next scan changed from the 30th to the 4th.

Running through my mind in no particular order:
1.  (I lied.  This was number one for sure).  The damn hyperplasia has come back.
2.  I am going to have to have a hysterectomy.
3.  I know my RE's last day before vacation is the 30th. I am not so sure others in the practice will do the scan since I am doing IVF abroad.  I belong to the health group that proclaims to T.hrive yet oftentimes has a very narrow view of medicine practiced outside their dominion.
4.  I do not have the extra money to pay for a scan out of pocket.  Mind you I haven't priced them but I've seen people charged $1200 at the desk when I've been waiting to be seen.
5.  I failed my mock cycle.
6.  The transfer cannot happen.
7.  I cannot reschedule my vacation.
8.  I'm screwed.

I rushed home and Googled the hell out of "lining too thick mock cycle DE IVF" and came up with everything from "mock cycle canceled" to "Russian RE likes thick lining".

(a weepy hour passes)

After a few emails with my consultant I am feeling much better than I was. She explained that most US doctors prefer a thick lining but that the CZ doctor wants to know if my scan measurements (14mm and 15mm) were indeed accurate.  To determine this I have to finish my estradiol and progesterone, shed some lining and then get a scan before I begin taking taking estrogen.

I hope to hear back about rescheduling the appointment on Monday.

Work isn't helping with all of this.  It's incredibly stressful and I don't feel that I get much support, mostly because others are equally overwhelmed.  Still, I'm working on the largest project of the year and I've had so many things thrown at me (other projects, people out of the office, deadlines I've set for others not met, etc.) that I am really feeling scared/anxious/overwhelmed and angry.

I suppose the meds are not helping.  I've never particularly like 400mg of progesterone a day.  It makes me bloated, exceptionally tired and weepy.

I've also been struggling to the point of sleepless nights on how many embryos to transfer.  I've seen studies that with two, the stronger pulls the weaker one along so both typically make it.  I've seen studies where one and one only, make for a healthy pregnancy.  I've done calculations on daycare, looked at places to move so I could afford daycare and rent, read twin pregnancy stories with no hitches and those with some rough spots and some with some major problems.

What to do?  My mind is exhausted and this week has been one I'd rather forget.

Damn! I started planning this whole thing months ago.  I should have evenly distributed my panic and anxiety over the past several months.  I can't handle it all at once!


  1. Take a deep breath.

    I'm so sorry. I know you have so much riding on this cycle and I know too well that the smallest thing can be a huge problem. I thought my cycle wouldn't get off the ground because I had a cyst. And then I didn't get my period. And then...

    Not sure exactly where you're at in the cycle, but I know for mine, I got a period, had a baseline u/s and then started taking estrogen. BUT I'd also taken estrogen the previous cycle in order to have a deliberately thick enough lining to shed. (Dr. Gorgeous had some logic, though I don't remember now.) An u/s out of pocket should only cost $200-300 or so, but certainly ask.

    As for the how many? Yikes, yeah, tough call. I've got my own post on it if you want to check it out (March 2011). I did 2 and both implant and now have a singleton. Knowing that, I'd still make exactly the same call. For me, anyway. I'm happy to chat offline if you want to email me, too.


  2. Wow! You have so much on you. Hopefully it will all smooth out soon. RE's have so many ideas of what is right or wrong. Those ideas vary among RE's. So maybe you are just dealing with a super cautious one.

    I'm sending you lots of prayer and hugs.

  3. Gosh-- how very stressful. I really hope it all turns out okay for you and you can proceed with your cycle. All the best.

  4. {{HUGS}} I can only imagine how stressful this is. Hopefully it will all come together. Sending you good thoughts.

  5. My goodness, planning a cycle locally is huge, I can't imagine having to put it altogether for a cycle abroad. Sending positive thoughts & hope things go more smoothly.

  6. As someone who struggles with hyperplasia as well, I get the fear. As soon as I hear "thick lining" I panic. TWo months ago, the RE told me that my lining was thick, so asked the actual measurement. When she said 15 mm I nearly started crying - that was half of what it was two months earlier. It's all in perspective right? I know that in your position I would be freaking out and I"m terrified as to what will happen when I go off the meds and my body is back to it's own devices for controlling the lining - each scan I'm going to be terrified!

  7. I'm so sorry that this has been so stressful. I don't know much about hyperplasia, but I do know about panic about cycles, and it's miserable. I hope that things settle down soon and that you can proceed with plan A.