June 6, 2011

Can Anyone Else Tell?

Today during a first-thing-in-the-morning-on-a-Monday-meeting at work I was sitting in the back of a row looking around at everyone, wondering if they could tell my heart was hurting so bad I could barely keep it together.

As people chatted about their weekends, their kids and in one case, their new engagement ring, I felt like I must have missed jumping on the Train of Life at some point.  Like I've been left at some out of the way depot, watching the train speed by, seeing all the people living typical lives in their little compartments and feeling like I forgot to get my ticket punched or something. 

This post is more of a brain-pain dump than a real substantive post I suppose. 

I tested bfn on Sunday and stopped the Prometrium and will most likely get AF tomorrow.

It hurts.

If I stop for a moment and look outside myself and see what I've lost this year already, my mother, my miscarriage, the family who had always been such a large part of my life, it's no wonder this bfn has been so hard to take. 

I know I will be ok in a couple of days and by the next cycle will be ready to jump back into things, but for now?  I look around at all the people I see and interact with and wonder if they know that inside, right now, I feel more dead than alive.


  1. I am so sorry to hear that this month was a bomb. Don't you wish sometimes that you could stand in a crowded room and scream at everyone the pain you feel?
    When I meet new people, it is always on the tip of my tongue to introduce myself along with "and my baby died"
    It SUCKS when you hope/pray/wish for something and it doesn't happen.
    NEXT month girl!! It's your month!!

  2. I'm so very sorry.


  3. Gosh, I so know this feeling. You are going to be okay...in time. We all have to be don't we?

    I hope you are able to find something to do for yourself this week and just know that it's not over until it's over.

    Wishing you all the best, A


  4. I am so sorry that this cycle didn't work. And I truly know how you feel about missing life someone. Everyone keeps moving forward and I just seem to be stuck.

    I actually had that same thought on Mother's Day when everyone around me was laughing and celebrating and all I kept thinking was "Can't they see how much pain I'm in"

    Hang in there! It will get better. I think.

  5. We know how you feel! It's so, so hard. Many times I've wanted to jump on a table and scream out at a room full of people all the pain I'm in - the pain that I never met a mate, the pain I don't have children, the pain of watching everyone around me get everything I want. If it's any comfort at all, know that WE understand!

  6. You have been through so, so much this year. And damn this cycle for adding one more thing.

    One thing is for sure - you are a strong, determined woman. Take the time you need to process this and then come back out swinging. We TOTALLY have your back.

    *Big hug*

  7. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you. Keep your chin up, you're on your own train of life, the destination is your choice.

  8. I'm so sorry. Sending positive thoughts your way!

  9. I am sorry. I know there is no much that will make you feel better, but I'll be thinking of you and sending my virtual hugs.

  10. wow you put into words how I feel many a days. some days I get so angry that I feel so alone in a room, but I have started to find that by opening up to certain people that I am rarely in a situation now where there isn't someone who cares about me and knows how raw I am at the moment.

    I wish I could offer advice or something- all I can say is someone usually can tell- you are not alone.

  11. I'm so sorry things are going crappy and you're feeling like this. It sucks to feel like the one who missed the boat.

  12. I am so sorry. I know the feeling. hugs to you and hoping you're feeling better.

  13. Wow, I've never had anyone put words to how I've felt as well, in such concise, singular terms. Thank you so much for letting other women out there know that we're not alone. And please know, from the bottom of my heart, that you are not alone either. This blog is such a mitzvah, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  14. I'm sorry about your twins :( and the bfn. I can relate to your feelings. Walking around wondering if people know your insides are shredded. I just read your post about the gypsy's as well and had a moment of total shock. If that is ALL you are to do marry and have babies...what DOES happen to you when you can't have babies??? Scary.