Today during a first-thing-in-the-morning-on-a-Monday-meeting at work I was sitting in the back of a row looking around at everyone, wondering if they could tell my heart was hurting so bad I could barely keep it together.
As people chatted about their weekends, their kids and in one case, their new engagement ring, I felt like I must have missed jumping on the Train of Life at some point. Like I've been left at some out of the way depot, watching the train speed by, seeing all the people living typical lives in their little compartments and feeling like I forgot to get my ticket punched or something.
This post is more of a brain-pain dump than a real substantive post I suppose.
I tested bfn on Sunday and stopped the Prometrium and will most likely get AF tomorrow.
If I stop for a moment and look outside myself and see what I've lost this year already, my mother, my miscarriage, the family who had always been such a large part of my life, it's no wonder this bfn has been so hard to take.
I know I will be ok in a couple of days and by the next cycle will be ready to jump back into things, but for now? I look around at all the people I see and interact with and wonder if they know that inside, right now, I feel more dead than alive.