Not only has it been over a week since I last blogged but I also failed miserably at May's ICLW. Even if Blogger didn't have a ghost in the machine screwing up the commenting feature, I am fairly certain I would have failed ICLW anyway. Since my iui I have been held captive by and in my own mind. I became immobile, fully consumed with my thoughts of failure, or worse yet, success and then failure. True to form, instead of turning to blogging which I have found to be so helpful, I kept it all inside, the synapses of my mind firing roughly 24/7 with nothing but pure anxiety and let's face it, abject panic.
Rather than remaining trapped behind the curtain of my angst (why yes, I do love being melodramatic) *puts back of hand up to forehead*, I am jumping right back in and participating in NaBloPoMo, starting tomorrow.
Like Billy, my starting and ending points are quite linear but in my mind the twists and turns of the path have careened all over the map. So far I have decided that if I don't succeed in getting pregnant by the end of the year I will do one or more of the following:
- quit my much-loathed job
- sell everything I own
- teach abroad
- enlist in the Peace Corps
- move across the country
- keep my much-loathed job and get a weekend job to make more money to then quit my much-loathed job and do any or all of the above.
I am exhausted. I've researched my eyeballs out and am now sure that my life will be radically different if I do not reach my goal.
I haven't even begun to map out the donor egg or embryo option. I need to give my eyes time to heal. Oh, the other option? The two pink lines, big old Beta number and a take home baby option? I haven't let myself think too much about that. It's just a little too soon and a little too scary.
I'm rooting for the last option you laid out. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh, I hear you about the endless mental spinning and planning. I look at the timeline in your sidebar and see a woman who has done very few cycles, though your struggle has been very long and hard.
ReplyDeleteI always needed a plan going through the 2ww to get my through...what would I do next cycle and the cycle after that. When I couldn't take it anymore I came up with a deadline (my 38th birthday) for moving forward with donor egg.
You have an incredible amount of strength; you'll figure this one out if you need to. But here's hoping you won't have to...
I totally get the need to make alternative plans, obsessively research, and the fear of being hopeful. Don't have any words of wisdom on how to overcome this, just the (hopefully) comforting thought that you're not alone in it!
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