September 30, 2012

Life Is A Beautiful Bitch

I'm not sure where I heard that line but I think about it often, especially today as my trip is winding down.

I've had a wonderful trip.  The past five days in London have been full of all the things I love - art, music, history and good food.  The weather has been a little chilly but sunny with very little rain.  I've been out and about every day and I've never once not marveled about how fortunate I am to be here and be healthy enough to travel (lots of walking!).

I so wanted to not test until today (7dp5dt) and I met my goal.  My reasoning included needing time to compose myself before returning to work.  Returning to work after vacation is a rough transition in general, but I feared returning from vacation with a bfn would really send me down a deep and dark path.

So, this morning at 7 days past a 5,000 Pregnyl trigger I tested.  I then tested this evening about 12 hours later.  The results are inconclusive.  It could be leftover trigger.  It could be an evap line.  I just don't know.

This is where life being a (beautiful) bitch makes me chuckle. I can't help it.  When I saw the test this morning and read it as a negative I laughed out loud.  All of this, not just this cycle, but all the others, the m/c, the time, the stress, the heartache, the money, the life I've put off having...all for naught.  I can do nothing else but laugh at this point.

I'll test tomorrow but I don't feel anything other than PIO symptoms.

I've also been thinking of another saying that has more to do with prayer, something I no longer rely on much anymore.  The gist of the saying is to not feel that God/the Universe/Mother Nature is ignoring your pleas.

Sometimes the answer is simply "no".  It's always been no.  I've just not been listening.


  1. I hope and pray that your BFP is still in the offing. I have no wise words, but I am sending prayers and love.

  2. The trigger is cruel.

    Hope you're looking at the real deal. When's beta?

  3. You still have time! I tested at 8dp5dt and the line was prety much non-existant and eventually got darker as I got closer to 14dp5dt which was my beta. I also had no symptoms besides being thirsty. I know you are feeling insecure about where you are at, but there is still a good chance, especially if there was a light line to be seen.
    Hang in there!

  4. If the line gets darker then you can know its not the trigger. Hoping for a darker line!

  5. So you saw no line this morning and a faint line this evening? Sounds less like the trigger if you've had a negative before it. Hoping that line darkens. And yes, I agree, life is a beautiful bitch.

  6. I have never seen trigger anywhere near 7dpt. IF you're seeing something, I think it might be real.

    A beautiful bitch indeed.

  7. Hope you get a more conclussive solid double line.

  8. crossing my finergs strongly that it indeed was a positive!

  9. I'll take an inconclusive over a definite bfn! I really hope and pray that there's still a positive to come.

  10. When I got my BFP with F, it was definitely a very VERY faint line. I was sure it was a chemical pregnancy - and then two days later got a beta above 300...

    I'm thinking you're knocked up - hope that proves true!

  11. I truly, truly hope you are knocked up. Crossing everything for you!