I was absolutely shocked to see my supervisor gave me "exceptional performance" across the board. She was surprised I marked myself so low in my self assessment. I was not surprised. Frankly I thought I sucked professionally last year so I rated myself "satisfactory" or left it "not rated".
Today the dept. director asked to speak with me. She was "curious" as to why there was such a difference in my self assessment and my supervisor's assessment.
Last year was no joke. I was doing good just to make it through the day so I could get to my car to cry as I drove the commute route home (for once I was kind of happy I had a longish commute). So, in a detached way (I hate crying at work) I told her I had the worst year of my life and I was not at my professional best but had found firmer ground and this was reflected in my professional improvement. She was empathetic and said she understood that people could not compartmentalize their work and personal life but perhaps I had been too hard on myself considering the circumstances.
Driving home tonight I realized it's been a full year this week. A full year of some of the worst days I hope I ever have to live through. But I made it.
There is a difference between the me of today and the me of a year ago but the explanation defies any words I could articulate.
I can feel it and I am living it, so for now that's good enough for me.
I know exactly how you feel. I look back and sometimes wonder how I survived much less I pulled off showing up to work everyday not to mention actually preforming at work. Keep feeling and living it, sister, cause you did it and are doing it.
ReplyDeleteThis one year anniversary will be difficult for you. You are very profound when you say the you today is so different from the you last year. I hope you can find comfort & peace to now get thru the anniversary
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're on firmer ground this year. I can completely relate - I'm working on my self evaluation right now at work and I just don't know how to do it. I have felt like I'm barely scraping by (until recently at least - I just got on Hormone Therapy and I feel a bazillion times better), but that's hard to write down and put on my permanent record. Good for you for being honest and I'm glad your boss was able to show a little empathy. Does she know about your struggle with infertility?
ReplyDeleteReading through your timeline of the last few years (especially last year), my heart goes out to you! I cannot imagine going through all that you have endured while working in a professional setting where you are accountable every day! Your strength is great and it's an inspiration to me. I'm glad your boss was understanding and that you did better than you thought you did last year!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog yesterday to welcome me to ICLW... I hope to hear more from you!
You've been through so much in the past couple of years and with last year's heartbreak, I think it's phenomenal that you were able to keep working and to do such a great job. You're very fortunate to have such an understanding supervisor.
ReplyDeleteI hope this year holds nothing but joy for you. You deserve it.
You'd had an incredibly tough time of it and the fact that you were able to obviously do your job very well and able to compartmentalize your work life and personal life (without even realizing it, it seems) says so much about you.
ReplyDeleteIts hard going through a loss with somebody around and its far worse doing it alone.
I hope the next step brings you nothing but joy.
I feel for you and hope that the worst is behind you now that this year is over. Going through fertility issues alone for the past two years has definitely changed me forever. It has been the most difficult and darkest period in my life, but very few people in my life have noticed. Even when I have told people how bad I feel I have gotten comments like "at least you're still smiling" and they are too blind to see that it is a fake smile and it's all I could do to muster the energy to get out of bed and go to work everyday. We do it because there is nothing else we can do. We are survivors and hopefully one day soon we will all be mothers.
ReplyDeleteHi There-wow, what a story. This kind of thing lets you know how strong you really are. I too have slipped professionally (at least by self-assessment) while going through this, so I can relate.
DeleteAll my best to you! Even at compromised performance you are probably outshining most because of your self awareness and strength.
Hi There-wow, what a story. This kind of thing lets you know how strong you really are. I too have slipped professionally (at least by self-assessment) while going through this, so I can relate.
DeleteAll my best to you! Even at compromised performance you are probably outshining most because of your self awareness and strength.
Hi There-wow, what a story. This kind of thing lets you know how strong you really are. I too have slipped professionally (at least by self-assessment) while going through this, so I can relate.
DeleteAll my best to you! Even at compromised performance you are probably outshining most because of your self awareness and strength.
You are strong and have come so far this year. It has been hell but you have made it this far. You are probably being together on yourself because of all of the dark feelings you were dealing with. I can only say that I hope and pray that this year holds good things.
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