I was absolutely shocked to see my supervisor gave me "exceptional performance" across the board. She was surprised I marked myself so low in my self assessment. I was not surprised. Frankly I thought I sucked professionally last year so I rated myself "satisfactory" or left it "not rated".
Today the dept. director asked to speak with me. She was "curious" as to why there was such a difference in my self assessment and my supervisor's assessment.
Last year was no joke. I was doing good just to make it through the day so I could get to my car to cry as I drove the commute route home (for once I was kind of happy I had a longish commute). So, in a detached way (I hate crying at work) I told her I had the worst year of my life and I was not at my professional best but had found firmer ground and this was reflected in my professional improvement. She was empathetic and said she understood that people could not compartmentalize their work and personal life but perhaps I had been too hard on myself considering the circumstances.
Driving home tonight I realized it's been a full year this week. A full year of some of the worst days I hope I ever have to live through. But I made it.
There is a difference between the me of today and the me of a year ago but the explanation defies any words I could articulate.
I can feel it and I am living it, so for now that's good enough for me.