March 4, 2012

Three Way Standoff in a Cemetery

The Good
  • My trip last fall was the best of my life. I went with my bestie since the fourth grade and we spent a week in London, a week in Paris and one week split between Madrid & Barcelona.  The highlight was having the opportunity to see G.eorge Michael twice, including a black tie charity show at the Royal Opera House in London.  This was just before he became ill and nearly died so this experience will always be dear to my heart. 
  • On this trip I "came back to myself".  I don't know how else to explain it.  I had been so beaten down, so exhausted and so damn sad that I did not resemble the person I used to be.  Perhaps my "other" self had been somewhere there, wandering the continent and found me when I landed?  Maybe all the candles I lit in those Gothic cathedrals worked?  I don't know how it happened but it did and although I am still a somewhat fragile person, I feel more whole than I have felt in years.
  • In November I began taking classes at a local M.ethod studio.  The results have been phenomenal, physically and mentally.  I've never been one for yoga or Pilates, always thought that if I wasn't gasping for breath and running around the exercise wasn't "good enough".  Ha!  I still gasp for breath, but the overall mindfulness and strength I've built is greater than any boot camp I've ever done.
  • I received a generous bonus at work this year.  I know nowdays just having a job is the new bonus so I am very grateful for the additional funds.
  • I turned down an offer to teach in Korea this fall (after going through the application process!).  I put this under the "good" section because I took care of myself, realizing that emotionally I am not in a good place to move clear across the globe and set up a new life in such a different place.
 The Bad
  • Since my last BFN I have done several more IUIs (all back-to-back), all BFNs.  In between each one I've had breaks due to cysts, including one stable cyst that has evidently camped out for good. 
  • My RE asked me if I watched the tv show "Parenthood".  Really? 
  • Two years ago I was promised a promotion at work.  Six months later I was then told I "wasn't ready" and that I needed to "work the job I wanted".  About three months after that someone from another site was transferred in and promoted above me.  A week ago I had enough and told my supervisor I was not comfortable working outside of my job description, especially towards a promotion I was likely never to get.  Yeah, makes it a bit awkward now.  Could have shot myself in the foot here.
  • Since the death of my mother almost a year ago, my realtionship with my brother has not improved as I had hoped.  I don't know what to do about this.
The Ugly
  • I have an IVF consult on March 22.  I turn 42 in April and I am sure the doctor is going to bring up donor eggs.  I don't know how I feel about that and I hate myself for feeling that way, however way that is (I know, confusing to me too).
  • I flat out have a sugar addition.  As I type this I am eating mini Twix straight from the bag.  I think I've been using sugar to cope and I don't know what to do about this either.  Each day I try to stop but the abstinance lasts until oh, about 10am. 
  • There's been a few new blogs lately, authored by women my age (I suppose those catch my eye first when the weekly blog list comes out from Stirrup Queen).  I find myself being "scoff-y", if that's a word. It's certainly an attitude and I hate it.  I feel impatient and jaded at their words of hope and excitement.  This is an ugly part of me I do not like.  I should be offering words of support but I cannot.
  • A few days after my miscarriage last year a good friend of over 20 years who had been through her own IF hell, had twins.  In an email she said something like, "I shouldn't say this so feel free to kick me if it's insensitive but..." and proceded to tell me all about her aches and pains and lack of milk supply.  I told her I needed a break and would contact her when I could.  I never have.
*blows smoke from the business end of her six shooter*

Thank you fireworksandrainbows for prompting me to give an update.  I felt very shy about coming back into the blogging arena after all of this time, not sure that I could convey all that I've had knocking about it my head.  There's more of course, but that's another blog or fifty!


  1. It seems that the good and the bad are in balance. As for the ugly, well, yeah, that's why we call it the ugly. Hugs.

    I totally understand about the scoffing. Not cool at all, but completely understandable at the same time. We all do what we can, but we can't be expected to do more.

    Your Europe trip sounds amazing. If you could bottle that and sell it, I'd buy.

  2. I am glad to see you back. I understand being conflicted about the possibility of DE. I told my RE flat out I wasn't ready to talk about it (when she proposed it when I was not-quite 37). But then about a year later I understood that if I wanted a baby, if I wanted to stop living the hell of IF and RPL, DE was my quickest/surest route. It wasn't easy. It wasn't cheap. But I've got a son now, and a year ago I was sure I'd be on that rollercoaster for ever...

  3. Just my two cents about this post, and this is the dollar version mind you:

    How awesome was Europe?? It's a different world, with different values and ideas. Not very different, but enough to feel like you are in a foreign country, makes you think outside yourself. I imagine you were quite surprised to have to travel half way around the world to find yourself. It's always the last place you look.

    Donor Eggs- I always thought I would like to donate my eggs if I could or even be a surrogate for someone if I could. Now that my body is officially broken, that's out of the question but what a wonderful thought. If my eggs were not viable, I would go this route immediately, and without hesitation. I would still get to be pregnant and have all the physical responsibilities of being a mother, save for hatching the egg itself and to me that is semantics.

    Bar Method seems exhausting but FUN! I am looking into it now. I'm hoping for a local studio!

    So OK that was maybe $1.50 worth, but hey...I'm a giver :)

  4. You've certainly had your fair share of good, bad & ugly...thanks for updating & welcome back to blogging...hoping you good column gets more action than the other 2 this year