I happened to glance at my desk calendar today and realized this time last year I was pregnant and somewhat hopeful.
I sit here now a different person, not just because of that experience, but others that followed and the aftermath of surviving it all. I am beginning to feel stronger, to feel that perhaps my life is going to move forward, that perhaps I do have something to move forward to.
But then I remember the time of year and I shrink in fear. All my life this time of year, Mach/April-ish has brought with it upheaval and crisis. This time also happens to be my birthday time so I often do not remember my birthdays but the events that overshadowed my birthday. Last year was my miscarriage and mother's death. I don't remember my 10th birthday, but I do remember it was the day my great grandmother died. The next year my birthday was the date of my maternal grandmother's funeral. Parents' divorce, mother's revelation I had two siblings I never knew about, moving schools, several other family deaths, and many other events, none of which were happy...all happened within these two months.
Now at almost 42 I've come to expect it and I'm scared shitless.
What else can the Universe throw my way? Should I consider last year the pinnacle of all that could have gone wrong and did?
Experience tells me I am nuts to feel positive and hopeful that I will make it to May unscathed. Part of me, the clinical, logical part that loves to dissect and assess, is loving this, sitting back and waiting to see exactly what will happen.
Only time will tell.