Singular Desire: Spring Forward Mowed Me Over!

March 17, 2012

Spring Forward Mowed Me Over!

I can't recall a more difficult adjustment to the time change. I think the combination of this, the last week of BCPs and two very large projects at work caused me to really struggle for firm footing this week.

I deeply appreciate the comments to my last post. I've had a lot of things running through my brain but this week's craziness has kept me distracted from ttc issues which, let's face it, is a full time thinking job!

CD1 was yesterday but things are not quite as usual. My RE told me to take BCPs after my last failed IUI (de rigueur after all of my BFNs due to cysts) but this time I spotted for about two weeks, then CD1 and now nothing. My body is probably on strike. There's only so many meds one can pump into one's body before it revolts.

I'm taking my body & mind to Vancouver, BC next month for my birthday. I've never been and cannot wait to walk Butchart Gardens. This is the first cycle where I am not worried about scans, meds, cysts, sperm-carrying tank pick up, appointments, missing work and the heart crushing appearance of a stark white dip stick.

This feels right.

3 comments:

ShannonMarch 17, 2012 at 7:27 PM
I just read your last post - I'm excited for you making a decision. There are no wrong decisions when TTC. It just comes down to figuring out which choice feels right to you. It sounds like you've found it!
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TiaraMarch 18, 2012 at 12:12 PM
Enjoy Vancouver!! It's such a beautiful place!
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MichaelaMarch 18, 2012 at 4:59 PM
I am so glad you are moving forward on the TTC front. If you have any "double D" questions please feel free to email me.
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Thoughts?

Directions and Detours

June 2009 (39 years old)
Preconception check up with Ob/Gyn. All seems ok but sent for mammogram and perinatal consult.

July 2009
Mammogram ok. Perinatologist provides obligatory AMA warnings, changes meds and sends me on my way with an enthusiastic, "Call me when you get a positive!"

August 2009
Preconception appointment with internist. She runs routine blood tests and signs registration form from sperm bank.

Officially register at sperm bank and "pick my pony".

Meet with RE who does full health background screening and marvels at my last 7 months of cycle tracking (all perfect straight up 28 days with ovulation on day 14). Orders more blood tests. FSH 8.

September 2009
While on vacation in another country receive call from internist. Blood tests came back abnormal. She wants me to schedule bone marrow biopsy to rule out leukemia.

Receive email from RE. Also suspects something is wrong. Puts all appointments on hold until I receive clearance from internist and peri.

October 2009
Thelassemia ruled out. Leukemia ruled out. Severe anemia and lack of Vitamin D suspected. I follow directions, take supplements, change diet and look forward to IUI in November.

Begin to feel "off" but suspect psychosomatic symptoms. Exhausted and mid cycle spotting.

November 2009
Ovulate right on time, jump into stirrups convinced I will conceive on first unmedicated IUI. NP whips out Wanda and exclaims, "Well dear, it seems you have something in there...do you know what fibroids are? No? What about polyps?". Heart sinks. BFN

December 2009
HSG and Hysterosonogram. Hydrosalpinx suspected and two giant masses in uterus identified.

April 2010 (39 years old)
Lap and hysteroscopy surgery. After surgery RE tells me she removed two large polyps, did another HSG and all was well-both tubes open. She shows me pictures of everything including a large paratubal cyst that I've had all along and never knew about. Curse it and the polyps but glad it's all over.

April 2010 (40 years old)
Follow up appt. with RE. Knew something was wrong when she brings someone else in the room. The name badge says "oncologist". RE tells me she also did D&C during surgery and results reveal complex hyperplasia without atypia but with rapidly developing pre cancerous cells. Oncologist discusses hysterectomy and I literally leave my body. Sent next door to MD for treatment.

Progesterone treatment for 3 months.

July 2010
Endomedtrial biospsy by MD - hyperplasia resolved/receive clearance to do IUI.

August 2010
Medicated IUI (Menopur w/trigger for only 3 days-4 follies) BFN

September 2010
Medicated IUI (Menopur/Bravelle w/trigger for only 3 days-4 follies) BFN

October 2010
Same protocol-BFN. I suspect things are happening too fast. Why do some women do injections for days? I barely take it for a day or two and I'm ready to ovulate.

November 2010
Another IUI and another BFN. RE says she will add Lupron to protocol which may keep ovulation at bay.

Later this month Day 3 ultrasound shows cysts. Benched and angry.

December 2010
Cysts gone and RE adjusts Lupron slightly and says if this doesn't work she'll do another biopsy. She suspects the hyperplasia has returned. Five follicles are seen and warnings about multiples are discussed.

January 2011
BFP!!!!!!!!!!!! First Beta indicates twins. Surreal experience.

February 2011
Twins are confirmed but one appears to not have heartbeat. Baby A has heartbeat.

Second ultrasound shows Baby A is strong and Baby B has weak heartbeat.

Third ultrasound shows Baby B has no heartbeat. Baby A has strong heartbeat. Where do I get off this roller coaster?

March 2011
Graduate to OB. First prenatal appointment. Just paperwork but symptoms are there and I am reveling in them.

March 2011
First official OB appointment. Baby A dead also.

March 2011
D & E at 11.5 weeks. My heart is frozen, my soul is dark and my thoughts are darker.

Begin blogging.