Welcome Back You Beautiful Bitch

CD 1

The Mae West Lips Sofa Designed by Dali 1937

image courtesy of Google images

Like most women I've had a love/hate relationship with my period.  At 13 I remember being so jealous that I was the last of my friends to begin menstruating.  In my teen years I was certain she existed only to bring me pain and embarrassment.  As I grew older there were times in my life I was overjoyed to see her and other times, more recently, when any sign of her has brought me to my knees.  

She has made me feel like a vibrant healthy woman and she has me feel like a monstrous failure.

Her arrival today on April 16th makes it exactly one calendar month since my D&C. Once again I find her to have a wickedly sharp sense of humor. 

In man, the shedding of blood is always associated with injury, disease, or death. Only the female half of humanity was seen to have the magical ability to bleed profusely and still rise phoenix-like each month from the gore.
~ Estelle R. Ramey

So today I welcome her back with sincerity and respect.   Now more than ever I understand the complex and integral coexistence she and I have and move I forward with hope and acceptance.

She may be a bitch, but today she's beautiful and I love her.

Sunburned and Sore

On the last day of my mini vacation I took a long hike with my bff. The scenery was gorgeous- pastureland, meadows, lakeshore and oak trees. It felt great to be outside and exercising. I don't even mind the sunburned spots on the top of my head or my sore leg muscles!

So far being 41 is ok but I am fundamentally a different person than was a few short months ago. This different me is going to take some time to get to know and to get used to. I have a feeling that by the time I turn 42 my life is going to be vastly different as well. I've reached and surpassed my tipping point.

Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are

I've had a lovely couple of days in the mountains, enjoying fresh clean air, beautiful greenery and the occasional deer or two. I had a good birthday, received many warm birthday wishes and devoured a gigantic piece of chocolate cake.

A great trip, right? Then why the hell does the "Guaranteed to Jack Up Your Vacation Menstruation Principle" not apply this one time in my entire life?

***********

Dearest AF,
I have one more day of vacation left. For old time's sake, let's say you pop in and mingle. I would be ever so grateful.
Hugs, SD

41

                          image courtesy of Google 

Read of the Week

The mailman just delivered my order from Amazon.  I love getting packages!

Along with random vacuum cleaner filters, a bag of cheapie hpt tests and a book for my friend's son I bought Laura Day's "Welcome to Your Crisis:  How to Use the Power of Crisis to Create the Life You Want".  

I figured the happenings of the last few weeks have all qualified as true crises.

Right from the beginning the author compares the medical word "crisis" with the other version of the word which is typically associated with a life-changing situation.  In the medical sense a crisis happens when the person's health is at its most precarious.  The person is either going to improve or not.  If this premise is applied to a life-changing situation then a crisis is a point where you're either going to croak or jump up off the hospital bed, flex your Popeye arm muscles and  drop kick your oxygen tank out of the way.

I like the author's theory that one can learn from a crisis and perhaps emerge as a stronger and better person.

Just Three Words

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt is what three words do you hope other people use to describe you?

A couple of years ago I hope people would have used the words funny, strong and friendly to describe me.

Today if I queried people I hope they would use the words thoughtful, empathetic and determined to describe me.

If I were to use three words to describe myself today I would use fragile, anxious and afraid.

I Have Fallen Off the Wagon

...and fallen hard.  We're talking a triple iced vanilla latte hard.  Oh well, I've chalked it up to getting through a tough time and keeping myself going when my body doesn't exactly feel like it. 

I recently purchased Cindy Bailey's, The Fertile Kitchen Cookbook, Simple Recipes for Optimizing Your Fertility and plan to really dig into it in the next week or so.  I need to regain control of my eating and exercising and say good bye once again to espresso.  The starting part is always hard but I know once I get a week into the new regime I will be fine and will feel so much better about myself and the control I have over this part of my life.

I am now off to catch up on my blog reading!

Plan C

Plan A, to meet a man, marry and have a family hasn't panned out. Neither has Plan B, to have a baby on my own. Plan C is what exactly? In my mind I keep coming up with leaving the country and teaching abroad or joining the Peace Corps. *throws back of hand to forehead in dramatic fashion*

I wish life came with an instruction book and an Allen wrench like you get with Ike.a furniture. Sure, the instructions are vague and the process challenging, but without fail if you do it right you end up with a sturdy desk or functional table.

Feeling a bit frustrated and lost. I know it will pass but in the moment...it sucks.

Weekend Plans

I've taken a couple of weeks off work and am staying with a friend in another city while my mother's affairs are put in order. As a distraction, or perhaps just as a function of moving forward as life seems to do no matter what happens to an individual, I plan to do a few fun things this weekend. I plan to see a movie, attend a home and garden show and catch a minor league baseball game. Oh, and sleep. Despite some lovely sleeping aids, sleep has been elusive the past few nights. I hope this weekend brings fun, distraction and good sleep to everyone out there.

Thank You

I want to convey a deep and genuine thank you for all of the kind and thoughtful comments left on my blog. Each comment and warm wish has touched my heart and provided great comfort.

I Knew It Would Happen One Day

My mother passed away unexpectedly on Monday.

I haven't written about this until today because my thoughts were not connecting in any clear way to words which would articulate the feelings I have, the relationship I had with my mother or the impact her passing has on my life.

My mother had a significant mental illness most of her life.  This illness prevented her from being a whole person, a healthy partner in marriage and a capable parent.  Through two marriages, two sets of children, many jobs, moves, physical illnesses and stages of her life, she was always suffering, unable to find relief from her torment, unable to accept love and to find peace.

After many years of estrangement, I came back into my mother's life last summer.  Ironically, now burdened with dementia and early Alzheimer's, she had finally found some relief from her mental torment. 

Through therapy, education and distance I had long since forgiven her for things which she had no control over but which greatly impacted my childhood, my own mental health and later my adult life.  Our relationship, one which had roots in maternal love but gradually withered under the onslaught of mental illness, and my subsequent need to break free for my own survival, has always been a part of me.  It has crept into the crevices of every relationship I've ever had, fueled many of my life's choices and defined some of the sharpest corners of my self.  

  

Although I knew it would happen one day, this watershed event in every person's life- the death of one's mother- I never knew exactly how I would feel.  Driving back home today after taking care of some of the arrangements it finally hit me.  All the appropriate feelings are there picking at my heart and making my soul ache but I finally realized today that they are old feelings.  I had grieved the loss of my mother many many years ago.  What's now left is immense sadness for her life and the waste of a relationship that was never viable.  

Strangely though, much like the feeling of a very sore muscle, behind the sadness there is relief.  I feel relief that her physical  and emotional suffering is now over.  I feel relief she is no longer confined to a bed in the only care home her state funds could afford.  I feel relief she is no longer afraid, no longer so very sad and no longer feels so alone.

I believe that those who had always loved her but have since passed were there to greet her and to gently take her hand, kiss her cheek and welcome her, finally to a peace which she never knew her whole life.  

That thought bring peace to my heart.  As my mother I think she would find peace in that too.

What I'm Waiting For At This Very Moment

The Journey

At the beginning of this journey/battle/quest I felt normal.  I remember thinking to myself that the initial call to the sperm bank would be the hardest part (blush). 

Puhleeze self, get real!!!

I’ve read many blogs whose authors have had similar feelings of innocence and naiveté.  I lost those feelings long ago.  This change has not just been brought about by my own experience but by being a “part” of so many others whose experiences have been similar and much more difficult and traumatic.

This journey has exposed to me fear, pain, desperation, embarrassment, indignity and the double edged sword which is hope.  It has changed my personal relationships, impacted my financial and emotional stability, altered how I perform at work, required me to reexamine my spirituality and question the purpose of my life.

I now have a new normal. 

Eventually this issue will be resolved, either through a baby (by whatever means) or the realization that I will live child free.  Still, I can’t help but miss that old girl, the person who I was before. 

Today’s NaBloPoMo prompt is “How do you usually feel at the beginning of a journey?”  I thought about that for awhile and knew that for me, at the beginning of any journey I hope to experience new things, but above and beyond that, I want to change, to be different because of the experience.

And that I am.

Dear Family Members

To the family members who said, "You brought this on yourself", "It's only your first pregnancy", "You're taking this too hard" and "Miscarriage happens all the time" when I told them about my loss...go fuck yourselves.

I cut these family members out of my life about a year ago because I knew they were toxic and I was unable to keep up with things going on in my life and also be involved in their chaotic lives.  I had only recently reconnected with them (before I became pregnant).

I had already worked through my feelings about removing myself from the family dynamics and making a life with minimal contact or none at all.  The recent developments were shocking but but also provided closure and confirmation.  In one way it's refreshing to hear how they really feel, as opposed to feeling uncomfortable because I had been picking up on strange vibes for several months before I originally stopped contact.  I now know I was picking up real vibes and I now know where they stand.

What's ironic is that the direct quotes above came from my cousin, herself a single mom, pregnant by her best friend's brother (not telling the father or BFF about the baby) who does not work, lives at home with her parents and obviously has a control issue, besides being the family tyrant.

I debated about posting this for fear that someone who knows me IRL might see it although I've only told a couple of my friends about this weird family issue.  I think getting the ugly facts of the situation out of my head is very important.

P.S. dear family members...seriously, go fuck yourselves.

I Am a Stalker

No, not a creepy stalker!  I am a real estate stalker.  Although I currently rent and am not looking to purchase a home or condo any time soon, it does not stop me from spending hours trolling the two most popular real estate sites on the web.  I've looked all over the United States, in small towns and large, college towns and metropolitan cities.   I find it thrilling to look at the different floor plans, to see how a kitchen is configured and how the backyard is landscaped.   I especially love the listings where the pictures show a home that's being lived in.  It's fascinating to see how people decorate their spaces.

Deep down, I think I am restless.  I live on the west coast in one of the most expensive housing markets in the US.  I will never be able to afford to buy here.  Not ever.  I would love to own my own home but wonder if I'll find the vibrant diversity and culture that I now have here somewhere else.  I also wonder if my choice to be a single mother will be as accepted elsewhere.

I long for a place not crisscrossed by freeways which are packed on Friday night and Sunday night,  a result of the "Weekend Warrior" syndrome.  I want to feel safe, to have a sense of community, to experience the outdoors which does not include man-made ponds and overly manicured greenbelts and I want to stop paying half of my salary for rent.

In five year's time I could see myself leaving this state and relocating.  But where?  Is life happy and liveable outside of the Golden State? Do we really have a corner on culture, food, jobs and diversity?

I'd be interested in hearing about other places around the US (in general terms of course!).  Do you like where you live?  Why or why not?

What I'm Ready To Let Go Of

I'm ready to let go of my current hairstyle.  I've had it for such a long time.  Due to its general frizzy unruliness, I'm not sure there's much that can be done about it but I'm headed to see my hair stylist this afternoon to see what magic can be worked.  I'm ready for a new look!

Standing Up Straight(er)

I had a conversation tonight with a close relative, someone with whom I have become estranged after a series of hurtful actions on her behalf.  All of the situations that resulted in these hurtful actions were connected to my fertility issues and struggle and her lack of empathy and understanding.

Tonight I had to clearly and logically lay out my reasons for not coming over to her house this weekend.  I explained that I was not strong enough to be around a 4 month old baby (who lives there), all of the baby items, the pictures, the toys and of course the mother (who is my cousin).  I explained I have no ill will towards the baby or mom but that I am in a vulnerable spot and need her understanding while I work through this loss.

After all of that her response was, "What would be so hard about coming over?".

Does she get it?  No.  However, I did what I had to do to convey my feels and stand up for myself.

It was very freeing to let go of some of the burden I've been feeling about all of this.  It doesn't matter that someone else doesn't really understand, doesn't really get it.  What matters is that I was true to myself, my experience and my feelings.  

On another note, I am looking forward to participating in my very first NaBloPoMo!

I Just Want to Pull the Pin

...and toss a grenade into my closet.  I officially hate every single article of clothing I own.  For so long I have had the mindset of, "you don't need pants/tops/dresses/skirts right now, you'll be pregnant in a few months".  Dios mio! A look at my timeline would tell anyone I have been jerking myself around for almost TWO ENTIRE YEARS.

Oh sure, I've bought a few things here and there, mostly to allow for the expansion of my girth due to fertility meds.  Even so, my wardrobe at the moment is tired, limp, somewhat dark (grays and blacks), showing signs of wear, misshapen and barely presentable.  Kinda like me.

Today a coworker poked fun at what I was wearing.  I so wanted to say, "Listen bitch, sorry I can't mirror your latest $300 J Crew spring outfit.  I'm 18lbs heavier than I was when you met me and part of that weight is 8lbs I gained while pregnant, the pregnancy that ended with two dead babies."  I then wanted to catapult over my desk, do a half twist leap off the top of my cube wall, pounce upon her slight, yet immaculately dressed frame, and dismember her with my bare hands.

I came home from work today and yanked everything that I could get my hands on out of my closet and into garbage bags.  By sheer necessity I may need to reach in and grab something for the next two days of work but I cannot continue to schlep around in the same old clothes.  The very same clothes whose threads have shrouded me in a strange and confusing mix of despair, hope, anxiety and desperation -  the lucky blouse I wore to follie checks, the forgiving pants I wore in the days leading up to trigger, the sweater that I cried into when IUI#2 didn't work, the blazer I used to cover what I thought was a viable pregnancy bump...each piece a tangible part of my journey.  I've been so attached but now I just want them gone.

Is this part of starting over and starting again with fresh hope?  I really don't know.

Spending the money on new clothes is not something I really want to do at this point either but I can't deny that my outer appearance is impacting how I feel inside.  My heart isn't in it but I know I have to go clothes shopping.

I wonder if I'll be the only woman at the mall this weekend who fears that the new clothes she's trying on and buying will become reminders of one of the hardest struggles of her life.

Seeing the Sights

I made a point to take a break at work today and get out and walk!  

sunny blue sky

wisteria

  

Canadian geese

nasturtium

happy pup

All images courtesy of Google Images.  

I have a very old camera and think I'll start shopping around for a new one. 

 I hope to find a German Shepherd/Corgi mix as cute as this one to photograph!

Clueless

I've taken to heart many of the topics discussed in the 2011 Fertility Summit.  I learned so much and I'm already making changes to my life by adding holistic approaches to improving my fertility with EFT, the laws of attraction and nutrition.  Despite it being only a few days since implementing these changes I am already finding success (mostly emotional so far).

Except for the pesky work/life balance part.

It's not that I have an incredibly complex high powered type of job.  I currently work for a large organization in an administrative position which I fell into after many years in non profit/children's services.  I loved my previous career but had to jump ship when the economy tanked.  While I'm very grateful to have landed in a job that provides me with income and good health insurance,  it's not something I'd consider a career.  However, old habits die hard and I find myself completely wrapped up in every little detail, unable to let go when I come home and slow to leave my work at any point during the day.  Just who am I trying to impress anyway?  It's not like I'm moving up in the position (there is no growth) and it's not like I haven't proven my work ethic to my bosses.  

I'm unbalanced and I know it.  I know what I am supposed to be doing.  I just don't know how to do it.  

What do you do to maintain a healthy work/life balance?