April 4, 2011

The Journey

At the beginning of this journey/battle/quest I felt normal.  I remember thinking to myself that the initial call to the sperm bank would be the hardest part (blush). 

Puhleeze self, get real!!!

I’ve read many blogs whose authors have had similar feelings of innocence and naivet√©.  I lost those feelings long ago.  This change has not just been brought about by my own experience but by being a “part” of so many others whose experiences have been similar and much more difficult and traumatic.

This journey has exposed to me fear, pain, desperation, embarrassment, indignity and the double edged sword which is hope.  It has changed my personal relationships, impacted my financial and emotional stability, altered how I perform at work, required me to reexamine my spirituality and question the purpose of my life.

I now have a new normal. 

Eventually this issue will be resolved, either through a baby (by whatever means) or the realization that I will live child free.  Still, I can’t help but miss that old girl, the person who I was before. 

Today’s NaBloPoMo prompt is “How do you usually feel at the beginning of a journey?”  I thought about that for awhile and knew that for me, at the beginning of any journey I hope to experience new things, but above and beyond that, I want to change, to be different because of the experience.

And that I am.

2 comments:

  1. beautiful post . .. thanks for sharing!! i remember at the beginning of my infertility journey thinking that I was going to pop the magic clomid pill and be on my way with a happy healty baby, lol. and here I am still!! but you are right- I am a changed woman (but I do miss my old self some days :))

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  2. Interesting post. I have experienced several new normals along the way during my infertility journey. I hope that you end up finding a normal that you are happy to live in somewhere along the way.

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