March 30, 2011

I Just Want to Pull the Pin

...and toss a grenade into my closet.  I officially hate every single article of clothing I own.  For so long I have had the mindset of, "you don't need pants/tops/dresses/skirts right now, you'll be pregnant in a few months".  Dios mio! A look at my timeline would tell anyone I have been jerking myself around for almost TWO ENTIRE YEARS.

Oh sure, I've bought a few things here and there, mostly to allow for the expansion of my girth due to fertility meds.  Even so, my wardrobe at the moment is tired, limp, somewhat dark (grays and blacks), showing signs of wear, misshapen and barely presentable.  Kinda like me.

Today a coworker poked fun at what I was wearing.  I so wanted to say, "Listen bitch, sorry I can't mirror your latest $300 J Crew spring outfit.  I'm 18lbs heavier than I was when you met me and part of that weight is 8lbs I gained while pregnant, the pregnancy that ended with two dead babies."  I then wanted to catapult over my desk, do a half twist leap off the top of my cube wall, pounce upon her slight, yet immaculately dressed frame, and dismember her with my bare hands.

I came home from work today and yanked everything that I could get my hands on out of my closet and into garbage bags.  By sheer necessity I may need to reach in and grab something for the next two days of work but I cannot continue to schlep around in the same old clothes.  The very same clothes whose threads have shrouded me in a strange and confusing mix of despair, hope, anxiety and desperation -  the lucky blouse I wore to follie checks, the forgiving pants I wore in the days leading up to trigger, the sweater that I cried into when IUI#2 didn't work, the blazer I used to cover what I thought was a viable pregnancy bump...each piece a tangible part of my journey.  I've been so attached but now I just want them gone.

Is this part of starting over and starting again with fresh hope?  I really don't know.

Spending the money on new clothes is not something I really want to do at this point either but I can't deny that my outer appearance is impacting how I feel inside.  My heart isn't in it but I know I have to go clothes shopping.

I wonder if I'll be the only woman at the mall this weekend who fears that the new clothes she's trying on and buying will become reminders of one of the hardest struggles of her life.


  1. I don't know what you will think about the clothes later, but I know I'm with you - I haven't really bought anything new for the last couple of years, and much of that has to do with the hope that the new clothes won't fit for long. But - I do keep buying shoes (I don't think my feet can get that much bigger, and if they do, I'll have to special order all of my shoes!) Anyway - I'm contemplating buying a bella band, so that I can continue to not buy clothes and still get all bloated and uncomfortable from treatments. How sad is that?

    In any case, go out, but something that makes you feel pretty, and professional, and human again. Look at it as a new start. We all start over sometimes.

  2. I hope you find some great clothes that get you feeling good again. New clothes + new outlook = fresh start. Keep fighting the good've got a new friend in me! Stay positive!

  3. I totally associate clothes with specific memories. You should go out and buy a few new outfits. Maybe those outfits will, in the next months, have happy memories attached.

  4. You won't be the only woman, I can guarantee that. I'm finding myself in the same place lately too..especially with spring just around the corner. I feel like I need to stop wearing safe/comfortable clothes and dress to make myself feel better. I think it's great that you'll be treating yourself :)

    Thanks for your comment on my blog!

  5. I totally know the feeling of the wardrobe slump, and not wanting to invest due to not knowing what size I'll be in three months. I find myself feeling quite frumpy, and I'm not sure quite how I got here. Recently, I decided to try and focus on feeling prettier again...not necessarily buying a lot of new close, but wearing eye make-up again, jewelry, a few new pairs of heels, and polishing my mails every Sunday night...a ritual from my early twenties. It's amazing what pretty polishd nails will do for my mood. And I have to confess to buying a pair of jeggings at Marshall's recently for $25. Feels completely ridiculous for a nearly 36 year old who wears a size 14, sometimes 16. But it made me feel young, and frivolous, and slutty, which my husband thinks is kinda hot. So it helped take away some of the wardrobe frump.

    I hope you embrace and enjoy shopping for some new clothes that will make you feel great! And never underestimate the power of a $5 bottle of nail polish!

  6. treat yourself to clothes that make you feel like a diva!! colors, comfort- if it makes you feel good/strong/happy- get it!!!

    speaking from a woman who wears navy blue probably 5 days a week- I need to practice what I preach!