Hamster Head

In an article in Psychology Today, Ellen McGrath defines rumination as:

"...a style of thinking in which, like a hamster in a cage, you run in tight circles on a treadmill in your brain. It means obsessing about problems, about a loss, about any kind of a setback or ambiguity without moving past thought into the realm of action."

Check, check and check. 

Ruminating about my loss, my next steps, my chances of success and my future is all I've been doing the past week and a half.  Quite frankly, I am exhausted. 

In less than one month I will be 41.  Night after night, like the hamster in a cage, all I do is wonder:

• IUI? (again)
• My RE says my ovarian reserve is good.  I have plenty of eggs but, as history as proven, the eggs might be of poor quality. 
• Do I waste time with IUIs and hope that I get a good egg, knowing that Bravelle gives me cysts and I can only do every other cycle?
• Are IUIs a waste of my precious time?
• How many more BFNs can I handle?
• Can I handle another miscarriage?
• IVF
• Does the process of IVF put my eggs at risk?  I've read several places that IVF does not help in cases where the problem is egg quality, that by being out of the body, the eggs decompensate even more.
• Is it a waste of money considering all of the above?
• Can I handle failure?
• Donor Eggs
• Cost.  Enough said.
• Loss of my dream of having my own child. 
• Stopping Altogether
• What do I do with myself for the rest of my life?
• How do I move forward?
• Is giving up at my age not being strong enough?

Night after night, as my mind whirls around its little well trod hamster path, I've decided "stopping altogether" is not an option.  In my struggle to come to terms with what has happened thus far, my disbelief at all the time I've "wasted" since I started this journey and my complete and utter frustration with myself and my body, I am just not ready to throw in the towel. 

By process of elimination that leaves the other options.

I suppose I am jumping the gun a bit.  I haven't even heard back about the chromosomal analysis.  I haven't had a follow up appointment with my RE.  I haven't even gotten back on track with my cycle. 

Still, it's my personality to be utterly prepared and organized.  This ambiguity is maddening. 

To provide some relief I've done the following:

1. Contacted my RE.  We will meet in two weeks to talk about the next steps.
2. Reached out for counseling referrals.  I don't think I need medication for what is a situational crisis and possible depression, but I do need some support.
3. Stopped reading studies on poor egg quality and the unlikelihood of pregnancy at 41.
4. Delurked in a couple miscarriage forums and shared my story and provided support for others.

As the article states, "As you ruminate, you deepen the grooves in the brain, intensifying levels of anxiety and depression".  I do not want these hamsterish ways to mark a deep and permanent groove in my brain.  I do not want my thoughts to impact my body in a negative way.  Besides, I need my sleep!