March 20, 2011


Between the time of my BFP and the one where my world collapsed, I remember seeing several "signs" which I thought meant this baby was meant to be mine, was meant to BE.

As many do, I had a nickname for my baby which was the same as a small animal, an animal which is kind of a pop icon as well.  Once when coming out of a store in a city in which I had never been, I saw the most random person walking by with a box of these animals in the form of a food item.  The person was not the type I would ever imagine walking around in public with a giant box of these things, but who was I to question?  Surely this meant something.

Another time I found myself sitting next to someone for an extended period of time whose biggest joy in life were her two small children.  She talked endlessly about them and I sat there, sharing in her happiness.  I was more engaged than I've ever been in a discussion about babies, genuinely happy for her but also happy for myself.  I said nothing to her of my own baby, but was content enough to hear about hers and for once, felt like I belonged.

Other, small and random occurrences happened which led me to feel confident.  True, I had lost Baby B, whose appearance and subsequent disappearance was a shock, but I had always banked on the viability of the stronger baby.  I steeled my nerves with thoughts like, "Surely God would not sit me next to this person for 5 hours and subject me to her pregnancy and baby stories if I was not meant to have a baby too" or "There is not enough cruelty in the world that would allow me to feel such joy and then have it ripped away, I am allowed to feel happy."

Perhaps I should have paid attention to the "other" signs.

  • I carried with me everywhere a small stuffed animal, the same animal which I nicknamed my baby.  At night it rested on my nighstand.  During the week leading up to the bad news I found it listing to one side.  I tried to make it stand up straight but it never would.  It kept falling over like a Weeb.le Wobb.le.  
  • I found myself needing maternity pants so I did some shopping.  Nothing looked right on me.  It all looked "off" but I bought it anyway, knowing that cramming myself into my old pants made me feel nauseated.  I took the tags off in my state of over-confidence.  
  • My dreams:  two days before the final ultrasound I had two different dreams in one night.  In both I was watching brightly colored Koi swim around in a glass fishbowl.  Two Koi.  Both eventually stopped swimming and floated around listlessly.  
I should have known.  

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I look forward to following the rest of your journey, supporting you while you heal and learn to live again after such a tough loss. Xoxoxoxox