March 17, 2011

Grief is Like a Starfish

At some point during my childhood education I learned that starfish could regenerate their arms.  This concept was both sad and interesting.  I cringed to think of all the accidents and injuries that might befall the average starfish but was happy they had some mechanism that allowed them to grow whole again.  I couldn't help but wonder if it hurt when the starfish grew a new arm.  If so, did it forget the pain when it looked down and marveled at its new appendage? 

As an adult, now more than ever, I wonder if grief holds similar attributes as the starfish.  It seems that my grief continues to grow, no matter how many times I chop away at it or try to replace it with happiness and joy.  It grows and grows, stronger than ever.  There is no end to the amazing ability to regenerate itself.

Not the start I would have hoped if I had ever imagined myself a blogger.  How grim.  How depressing.  How real.  Perhaps that is why I have finally put fingers to keyboard.  This reality is too hard to process alone and although I have friends who are caring and love me, they cannot be a repository of my pain.

Hopefully, one day, this blog will be about more than that.  Perhaps one day it will be about another BFP, another identifiable heartbeat, another successful 8 week ultrasound and perhaps even ultimately, all the other milestones that go along with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Do starfish realize they can regenerate?  Do they know they have the ability to begin again or do they crawl along the rocks, hurt and in pain, never knowing they will be as they once were or perhaps even better?


  1. What an interesting comparison of a starfish to the grief of infertility. Early on I realized that I needed to focus my energy on being resilient. As it became clear that we would get bad news at every turn, I knew that I needed to figure out how to bounce back and keep fighting each time. I found a greet therapist who helped me keep my focus on the positives and built a support network that helped to pick me up after each devastating test result or procedure.

    Now that I know I can regenerate I have a newfound strength to proceed in a way that was so hard before.

    Good luck to you on your journey!

  2. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just read your history... roller coaster is an understatement!